1.) made tomato sauce 2.) called friend 3.) accomplished oil company business 4.) paid bills 5.) spent time in the garden 6.) listened to music during home spa treatment 7.) had dinner with parents 8.) tomato sauce took forever, didn't walk . . . will today.
today's goals:
1.) call friend 2.) call brother 3.) organize papers 4.) do something toward finishing art project 5.) visit mom in hospital . . . skin graph 6.) check on dad 7.) walk
today's thots
1.) wondering when 'A' will call again ... but enjoying myself 2.) autumn is awesome 3.) miss horseback riding 4.) enjoying my fireplace
'A' and I spoke on Wednesday, October 1. New target date: Friday/Saturday, October 17/18. He seemed to look for me about two weeks and 3 days after we last spoke.
1.) He always made decisions unilaterally. I'd follow. 2.) He made the plans. I'd follow. 3.) At times, he would do a 180 and expect me to lead. He'd be iritated with me because I'd be thrown off and I didn't assert myself to pick up his slack. 4.) If I initiated plans at the wrong time, he would act angry because he didn't want to lose control, especially on his day off. 5.) Often, when he didn't have his way, he would pout, be quiet. Guilt was probably involved. 6.) I became paralyzed . . . not knowing to wait for him or intiate plans. Often when I expected him to plan, it would leave me waiting, becoming upset when he didn't make plans for us. (I wished I made plans for myself, at least) I set myself up for disappointment when there weren't plans because I didn't make plans for myself. He never told me when he needed me to lead. I never asked. 7.) Ocassionaly, when I acted independent, sure of myself and definite, he seemed to respond to it positively. 8.) He often voiced that he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. I felt like I was a part of the burden. Maybe he felt responsible to complete all my social happiness. 9.) Because I got caught waiting for him to lead, I got lost in waiting. Instead of doing something different by building my own social life, I did nothing. 10.) Maybe he'd respect seeing me busy with my own life and not waiting for him. I WANT TO BE INTERESTING ENOUGH FOR HIM TO WANT TO BE WITH ME.
Doing something different or doing the unexpected is my weak muscle. I hope that one day it will strengthen.
I hate 'going dark'. It's definitely a huge learning curve for me. The wait is miserable and keeping my hopes up has to out weigh everything.
My hope is that I'll relax the more I see 'A' initiate. Right now it is tough. But, I'll take this over a couple of years ago. right?
I wonder . . . I hope this progress is not only teaching me a new behavior, but also teaching 'A' a new one, as well.
L . . . looking forward to your response to 'my past experience with A'.
Progress:
1.) joined Weight Watchers. Need to lose 10 lbs. 2.) bought shrubs on sale 3.) enjoying autumn 4.) trying aromatherapy and yoga to relieve stress . . . a lot to be said about 'smelling the flowers' 5.) after a week, I'm counting the days
1.) Sunday: taking care of both my parents and feeling sorry for myself. My mother just got home from the hospital when my father was sent to the hospital where he found he has shingles. I'm tired and feeling sad. 2.) I notice that it is difficult to keep my hopes up after a week of not talking to 'A'. 3.) I begin to worry and start feeling hopeless. 4.) I have to hope that there is some pattern to this. 5.) I have to hope that our 'R' will begin to build. I don't know how, and I don't know when. 6.) Have to go for a walk.
1.) reviewing what has happened and focusing on celebrating it 2.) changed thoughts . . . feeling grateful, knowing 'A' will eventually call. 3.) feeling mentally better
Goals:
1.) intend to stay positive!!! 2.) continue to stay patient. (imagining that I am a magnet)
1.) trying to stay positive and hopeful . . . difficult 2.) focusing on work and taking care of parents 3.) eating better 4.) haven't been able to socialize because of work and parents 5.) fighting the waves of sadness 6.) wondering what to do if after 2-1/2 - 3 weeks 'A' doesn't call 7.) missing company and encouragement from 'A' 8.) feeling good about my friends from work - I enjoy them 9.) thinking about making another set of appointments soon 10.) THIS IS TOO DIFFICULT!
Saw 'M' today. She came into the store. Of course, all things revolve around her. No asking about how things are going.
Brother and sister-in-law always hold court. They are only involved with decorating their house.
'A' hasn't called in the time I thought he would call. Maybe last time it was just a coincidence.
'staying busy' is over-rated. I'm exhausted from working over time, helping my parents, and I feel very alone.
I just sat down, and I miss 'A' more than ever. I feel like a fool for believing and hoping. Everyone must think I'm pathetic. I feel that if I disappeared, noone would notice.
Oh Jojo, people would notice. You matter in this world. You know that. Your parents would know, your friends, people you touch that you dont even realize.
I know how you feel. I have been with my h for 30 years, since I am 19 years old. This is hard and it sucks. But it is what it is. And there really isnt anything that we could do about it. So, we have to choose to live our lives as best we could. And believe that one day we will be happy again.
I didn't read all of your posts, but I get the gist of them. You are dark, for HOW long now?
Anyway, I just want you to know that I have not had contact with my H for 8 days, and I know how much you hurt. I would like to take this journey with you. Maybe we can swap threads,... and thoughts and feelings.
