Ahhh, you guys, thanks for trying so hard to think of ways to help my stitch. For the part about the bills, buying groceries, etc. I have tried in the past and it never worked. The reason I had to finally get my own checking account was b/c he never posted a check and I could not handle working like that. I had to know what had been paid out and how much we still had in the account, etc. He would not work with me about "how to pay the bills" or what bills to pay, etc. It is just so hard to explain in writing how he is about stuff like that. My mother has really woken up the past few years about him and even said several times that there is no way she could live like that. But as far as threatening to leave him......I would not dare do that after the OM thing happened. Besides I am too concerned about his heat condition at the moment and don't want to do anything to be responsible for a heat attack. He never, never acted like he had a jealous bone in his body until he discovered about the OM. Then, he did not act "jealous".....he acted furious...at me! Like I have told you (I think) before, I saw a side of him I did not like and never want to see it again. Another reason I could not pretend to make him jealous is b/c I promise you that it would backfire on me and I would be the one to suffer. If I was ever going to leave him, it would have been when I was involved with OM and I chose not to, so I won't now. BTW, he never said anything about HIM making any changes.......I had just hoped that some of this stuff would wake him up, but it didn't seem to work like that at all. He did stop "watching" every move I made and stopped trying to "catch" me on the computer talking to somebody. This board is the only people I talk to.....lol. I'm not too sure he doesn't read my posts.....even now.
There was one bill that I threatened to stop paying and that was the phone bill. It got cut off and he still would not pay it. Now the internet is provided through it and so I won't let it get disconnected. The other things....well it would take too long to explain. I did tell him once that if he was going to buy the groceries that he would have to do the cooking, but it did not stop him from his pouting act. I know him well enough to know that he isn't really pouting or sulking......but it "appears" by his actions that that is what he is doing and it just makes me feel guilty or it makes me angry.
As far as him seeing me on the computer when he comes home......I get home before he does and I'm not on it everyday. But it keeps me awake until he gets home. Most of the time, I get off the computer when he comes in. I have told him that it is my way of resting my legs, and I think he knows it. If I sit down in the reclinere when I first get home, I'll fall asleep and then I can't sleep that night.
I sound like a "cry baby" or a b*tch complaining. A lot of women would probably be very happy to have a man like I have for a H. He is faithful to me and I've never worried about that. He doesn't drink, gamble, run around or anything. I think he needs a hobby or something to do that is for "fun", but he never has. Like I said before, he has always acted like he was an old man.....except when I first fell in love with him.
It's just that the older he gets, the more frustrating he gets. I would like for him to really "listen" to me when I try to talk, but he either acts like he is ignoring me or else he will cut me off before I get through a sentence. He would be angry if I did that to him.
The only time I felt like I really got him to "wake up" about not listening to me and just staring at the TV when I had something very important to talk about......like our marriage....was the time I told him that he would not even consider treating another person like that and how rude it was to treat me that way and I was going to begin to treat him in the same fashion--to let him know how it felt. His reply was, "I don't treat you like that all the time!" My answer to that was, "Well, okay then, I'll just treat you like that part of the time". I think he got the message b/c he begin to at least look at my face when I tried to say anything. But now it is like it takes all his strength to not glance over at the TV if I am talking. That burns me up!
So, I am seeing him slip back into some old ways that really made me unhappy before the OM stitch. Even though I didn't think he was doing anything to change, maybe he was trying harder than I realized at the time. I have called him out on a few things that upset me before I allowed it to fester. But the stuff about the bills......I really, really think there is no hope there. I have begged him to let me take care of paying them on time, since he puts off to the last minute to pay them.....and gets behind in doing so. But he won't hear of it. I have never squadered money, so why he acts like he doesn't trust me with a dime....is beyond me! It hurts and it makes me mad. Like I said, it has been a point of contention for over 40 years and it isn't getting any better.
I know I didn't do a good job at explaining how he is, but I don't know how without taking pages and pages of "examples" of things he has done....or not done. I vented for quite some time in another forum, once, about how he collected junk all the time and had our yard looking so bad that I was humiliated and embarrased. We have the worst looking yard in our neighborhood. When I was healthy, I could try to keep some of that stuff down, but now I can't do anything like that and he has just went crazy bringing home pure junk that will never be used. He never thows anything away. I have begged him to haul things off. If he ever does, it is so little that it doesn't make a dent. Can't tell a thing has improved in the yard. He is that way in the house too. I let him have one room that is his to do whatever.....and you cannot get in the door. So, that's my H. He has just gotten worse over the years. I know I have just as many things that probably drives him nuts too, but he won't say what they are.....lol. If he did, I would at least try to change what I knew bothered him! But not him. I can just get used to it b/c that is the way he is!
I did think about going on those diets like Jenny Craig or something else that brings prepared food to your door and all you have to do is warm it up. I could lose weight and leave his cooking to him, but you know what? He would still "expect" me to cook his supper, or he would make me feel guilty by his sulking. Now sometimes he will tell me not to worry about him, that he will manage. It is when he is so tired, like he was last night that he acts like he is feeling sorry for himself and pouts. But anyway, I can't order that diet food b/c it is too expensive for me and then have to be out for his groceries also! Wishful thinking, though....lol.
I appreciate you listening to me vent and it did help a lot! I have talked for years to my mother about my situation and would ask her for advice, but it just blew her mind and she did not have a clue as to what to do.
As far as leaving him, I think he had taken all he could with the OM thing and if I was to threaten him now.....he might tell me "there was the door".....and I could not make it on my own....that was one of the main reasons I didn't leave before. So, I don't plan to do that unless it just gets unbarable.
These things seem silly to some people when compared to a life threatening disease or abuse or something like that, but it is the daily grind that is like rubbing the skin down into the raw nerves and finally you just can't take anymore.
I don't see him ever changing at this age. You know what we've always heard about the older you get the more set in your ways you are? I think it is true. I don't think he wants to change or is motivated to change. If he would not change to make me "want" to stay in a M with him, why would he do it now?
I have just begin to reach the point that I am tempted to have that talk with him and see if he wants to try working on the R but I think he may throw it back in my face that I wanted him to leave me alone. At the time, I did! But, maybe if the "timing" is right.....who knows. We have just gone along trying to act as if nothing ever happened and do the best we could. We hug and kiss good-bye and good-night.....things like that. But there is no intimacy and may never be. That is what I need so much, but I don't know that he will ever give it. Sex is not love and sex is not intimacy.....not from a female's POV. You are physically close when performing the sex act.....but it doesn't touch the soul like a woman needs.
He got really mad at me for wanting to go to the doctor with him b/c I knew he wasn't telling her everything. I think I told you all that. Sure enough, he is going to have to go to the hospital for some tests on his heart. I hate to be that way with him, but he will not talk to the doctor. He sticks his head in the sand. Things don't go away like that. I think he may have even stuck his head in the sand about me and OM until he accidently found it staring him in the face. Then he became obsessed with it. He did not trust me out of his sight and would try to set traps for me. I hated that side of him and never want to be in that "place" again.
So, thanks for just listening. I feel better since I vented. You all are great. I don't have many to stop by my thread anymore.....guess cause I wasn't having much to say and spending most of my time on other's threads. But, I appreciate the fact that you all did respond and let me know you were there for me.
I sure made up for not having much to say!!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
