So, I've just been so upset this week. Feeling like a fool again b/c H has been MIA and been with OW. Supposedly "broken up" but he still loves her. We are about to put our house up on the market and H wanted to have dinner tonight to talk about the house. I don't want to see him, so I suggested just calling or IM'ing tonight to talk about the house.
He just started IM'ing me and I just want to sigh to him and tell him I'm cranky and have him do something to make me feel better. It is so hard for me to not look to him for comfort b/c he is the one causing my discomfort. I just want to look at him and sigh and say, "can't we just stop this? Can't we just be happy together?" B/c, I guess, sometimes, ever well over a year since we've been seperated and the fact he was having a secret affair for a year prior, I still just have such a hard time believing reminding myself of the "real" person he is. The person, who I always knew was troubled, but really understanding what that meant. That I wasn't an "exception" to being impacted by his self-loathing. That he lies and lies and lies to me and loves some one else. That he thinks he is taking my feelings into consideration, but really has no idea how I can still feel my heart physically breaking when something happens. STILL. My heart is continually breaking causing physical pain in my chest.
He apologized a few weeks ago for the pain he has caused me. I realize that apologizes don't really mean anything (at least to me) if nothing comes from it. That he hasn't learned from it.
So, now. After all this time, I am starting to pull away and do my own thing. I need to for myself. But it all just sucks.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
