WARNING: THIS IS A LONG LETTER I WROTE TO GIVE TO H WHILE HE IS ON HIS TRIP UNTIL FRIDAY! JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW IT WILL NOT BE BRIEF....Feedback appreciated....
Dear Dan,
I love you so much, as you know. I will never regret choosing you to be my husband and the father of my children. Spending my life in a loving and supportive marriage with you has always been my dream and goal for my life.
I pulled some questions out from dialogue to answer for you to help you know how I am feeling about us. Thanks for reading…
How do I feel when I think of my future with you? Describe fully.
When I think of my future with you, I feel many things. Mainly, I feel concerned. This concern is a feeling of tenseness in my shoulders, tightness in my forehead, weight in my chest. I feel this concern a level 8 out of 10.
In nature, this concern would be a mother cow when she is trying to rouse her newborn calf. It is not moving, and she keeps prodding it to try and make it move, but it does not. She becomes concerned that despite her best efforts, nothing is happening with her baby.
In sports, this concern is the feeling the vet has when a racehorse has stumbled and gone down during a race. He knows the horse is in trouble, but as he looks it over, he begins to worry that the damage may be worse than he originally thought.
Another example of this concern would be a meteorologist looking at the radar and seeing a major tornadic system is headed toward his community. It is too soon to tell if there will be definite destruction, but the indicators are good, so he must be prepared and keep a close watch on the situation.
As a color, this concern would be the deep blue/gray of gathering storm clouds, signaling impending danger.
In what ways do I show my love for you? How do I feel about that?
Dan, I try to show love for you in a variety of ways. Lately, I have made much more of an effort to keep the house clean, organized, and comfortable for you when you get home from work. I have also tried to have dinner ready or at least started by the time that you get home. I know that you have a stressful job and want to be able to relax when you come home. I am working to give you that calm, comfortable, warm and loving home.
I have also made an effort to be supportive of your cattle endeavors. I encourage you to go out to the farm after work to check on the cattle, I try to be flexible with dinner plans so you are able to do chores and also eat with the kids whenever possible. I am working on trusting you even more with the finances when it comes to spending money on the cattle or cattle-related supplies and equipment.
I show my love for you in physical ways and by making time for you. I have made arrangements with our parents to take the kids so we can have some time together. I have cleaned up our bedroom, added candles and pictures of us, and tried to make it a cozy, inviting place to spend time with me. I do my best to kiss you goodbye each morning and hello each night, and to tell you I love you every day. When you are gone on business trips I send a text message at least once per day letting you know I am thinking of you. When you are home I have offered to give you back rubs/massages when you are stressed.
Over the life of our marriage, I have shown love for you by being willing to move anywhere at any time for your job, and being happy living in anything from an apartment to a run-down farmhouse to a nice house like we have now, it didn’t matter as long as you were there too. I have shown love by sticking by you throughout all of the ups and downs of our marriage and never walking away or giving up.
I feel confident in my answer. It is a feeling of head held high, shoulders back, deep breath in, standing tall. I feel this a 9 out of 10 when it comes to showing love to you.
In nature, this confidence would be a buck striding through the forest. He has conquered a lesser opponent and knows he is capable of anything.
In sports, this confidence is the way Le Bron James behaves on the court. He is not afraid to tease the other guys or provoke them a little even, because he knows he has the skills to back up his words.
In our shared experience, confidence is the way you were able to speak to the sales guys when we bought our Honda. You are a salesman yourself, you did not let them speak down to you, you weren’t afraid to challenge them on what they said because you were confident in your own skill and ability and would not let them push you around.
How do I see/judge that you show your love for me? How do I feel about that?
Dan, first off, I will never doubt that you love me. I know that you have always loved me and will always love me, no matter what.
I see you show love for me by working ridiculous hours and traveling thousands of miles a week for work, so that you can give the kids and I a nice house and all the good things that come with it. You have moved so many times not because you wanted to necessarily but because you thought it would help you to be a better provider for me and for our family.
You show your love for me by helping me around the house when I ask for help, for taking the kids at night if I don’t feel well, for watching them when I go to night class if you are in town. You show me love when you call me from work or from your travels just to check in and say hello. Dan, when I think about my answer, I feel deprived. This is a physical feeling of extreme hunger or thirst, of a desperate desire for more. I feel this a 10 out of 10 at this point.
An image of deprived would be a plant that has wilted down and is near death. It has received sunlight, but not water. It has gotten some of what it needs, but not enough. If it does not get more of what it needs, it will continue to wither.
An image of deprived in nature would be a calf rejected by its mother. You had to bottle feed him. He was skinny and weak b/c he was not getting what he needed in terms of food. He was lonely for his mom and would cry out for her b/c he wanted her company and her reassuring presence.
Another image of deprived would be the child sitting in the back row at school. He is trying his best, but he is often overlooked. He tries to tell the teacher what he needs, but she is so busy with the other kids who are louder, more demanding, etc. that she does not make time for him. She intends to, but it just doesn’t happen. So everyday he comes to school with a hopeful smile but it wears away day by day as he is disappointed again.
The color of deprived is the pale brownish-gold edges of the leaves of that plant that didn’t get what it needed.
Dan, I am getting off the dialogue format now. I feel so tired of the way things are going. I know you are tired, too. I hear it in your voice, see it in your eyes, for goodness sake you were at the hospital 2 weeks ago because of the stress you are carrying around with you everyday.
Retro says there are four pillars to marriage that must be there for it to succeed and grow: 1)Forgiveness 2)Love 3)Trust 4)Commitment I am doing all I can to forgive you for hurting me and to move on and let go of the past. I know I am not perfect, I still struggle but I want to forgive you and I am working actively to let it all go. I think I make it a little farther along that road every day, even if I am not at the finish line yet.
I love you, I say it and try to show it every day. I don’t know how to love you any more than I do. I have loved you through every terrible experience and every wonderful experience in our marriage. I don’t think I could love you any more than I do today.
Dan, I am also working to trust you. I have not once looked at your phone since you moved back in with me. I rarely look at the bank statements, and when I do it isn’t to “catch” you in anything, it is just to check on finances. I don’t call while you are out to see who you are with or what you are doing. At Retro they said trust is a decision, and I decided to trust you.
As far as commitment goes, I have been there 100%. Our marriage is the one constant I have had in the past 12 years. I have had a number of jobs, homes, churches, and activities come and go. The only thing I have remained dedicated to, other than our kids, is YOU. I want to be married to you now and forever.
The problem I face today, Dan, is that I do not know where you stand in those four areas. But what I have seen is leading me to feel concerned and deprived. I am concerned that you are choosing not to forgive, trust, love, or commit fully. I know you have a hard time with the idea that those are things you can choose, or not choose. I am feeling deprived because I miss the Dan that used to hug me, kiss me, chase me around the house, pounce on me in the bedroom even when the kids were in the next room. The Dan who would call me when he was away and talk for an hour or more, the Dan who would write me the sweetest letters and wink at me from across the room when we were at parties together.
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if I had never seen that side of you. But I have, and I miss it, and I am NOT willing to settle for less. I desire and deserve to have a husband who loves me, trusts me, forgives me, and is 100% committed to me. I want that to be you. Can it be you? What are you willing to do to make that happen?
“Try harder” is not enough. Will you go to counseling? Will you focus more on me and you? Will you make time for us and show me with words and deeds that I am special to you?
If not, I do not see how to mend our marriage. In my mind I see me trying to carry our marriage like a big piece of drywall or a cattle gate panel. I am doubled over almost crushed into the weight from trying to lift and carry it, and it is dragging on the ground. I need you to come and lift it up with me, help me carry it, so it does not grind me down. Otherwise I have to just put it down and walk away because I cannot continue to carry it myself.
I hope you understand what I am saying. I am eager to hear from you once you have had time to process this letter, if you want to talk or ask questions of me let me know.
I love you, you are my husband and my friend, and the only man I want in my life.
bbj, awesome letter. u touched on just about everything with great examples. i hope for his sake that this wakes him up. and for your sake he learns to show his appreciation for u, who sounds like a wonderful lady. i'll keep all my digits crossed for you.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
I am typing now with mist in my eyes. I cant understand what is wrong with your man - he should feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Bobbijo, I can only hope that my next wife is as sincere and thoughtful as you.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE - SEND OR EMAIL THIS LETTER TO HIM!!!
OK, BBJ. I am only about half way through and I need a break. Man you do have energy!!! First I'd say break it up into more than one letter. I read up to the end of How do I show my love? That is enough for the first letter.
Changes I would make. I would change the start to a compliment to him. Not you professing your love. Say something nice about something he has done lately.
The second part I read, How do I show my love? I think that is where the problem is. You are a show my love athlete. He is a show my love wimp. I love your description of how you feel about showing your love, but keep in mind this is where you show him up bigtime. Somewhere in there, maybe a little humility would be nice. And this is definitely a letter you need a response to. You NEED him to tell you how he shows his love. Because that is what you are missing. If he could explain how he thinks he shows love, maybe you would feel better about the marriage. Soooo, ask him to respond to this one. Don't accept, "I'm trying", get language as detailed as yours. OK, now I can go back and read more.
Wow!! Now I see, it is all one letter. But it is so long. It is great, by the way. Ideally, though maybe you could send the first part and ask for a response, and then working in what he says about how he shows his love for you, launch into the second part. Although it is all one great letter, I would still divide it into two to make it more digestible.
Thanks for the feedback. H says he shows me his love by working hard to provide for our family. He says he shows love by making the money to give us all that we need. He is very much "acts of service" and "provider" in terms of showing love.
I have tried to tell him that I don't care if we live on hardly anything, if I FEEL loved. 9 years ago we had an income that was 1/5 of what it is now! And we had an old farmhouse that was falling apart and only cost $56K including 10 acres of pasture! It was that crappy a house, we gutted the kitchen and bath to the studs and had to start over. We never had more than a couple hundred dollars in the bank after bills were due. But we spend our free time together, and H showed me love in word and deed, frequently.
Point is, making 5 times more now and having a nicer house now, I don't care, I am not happy with that. B/C I do not feel my H's love.
I would rather take our pay in half and have more of H's time and attention than be where we are today. I have told H that. He cannot imagine going back to us not having money. It would mean selling the tractor, the 2 trailers, and the big new truck...and probably the cows.
This has nothing to do with my letter, I am getting off track. To answer the question, H shows love with making money and providing. His dad never made more than 25K a year and H felt deprived by that. He views his dad as a failure in the area of providing. He is a champion in that area. But at what cost?
In the opening, instead of professing my love, I said
Thank you for calling twice yesterday just to check on us. It meant a lot to me that you called in the middle of the evening like that. And thanks for handling the checking account crisis. It just freaked me out to think that someone was still stealing from us. I am glad you took care of it.
To invite his feeback, I added:
I pulled some questions out from dialogue to answer for you to help you know how I am feeling about us. I would really appreciate it if you could answer those same questions and send them to me over the next couple days, if you have time. Thanks for reading…
In what ways do I show my love for you? How do I feel about that?
IN THIS PART, TO NOT SOUND OVERCONFIDENT, I ADDED SOMETHING---
I feel confident in my answer. It is a feeling of head held high, shoulders back, deep breath in, standing tall. I feel this an 8 out of 10 when it comes to showing love to you. I was going to say a 9 out of 10 but I realize you need me to be a better listener, which I want to do for you. I do realize that as confident as I am that I show you love, you still want me to show love in other ways.
Yes, my husband shows love the same way, and I too don't feel that going off to work 14 hours day shows me love. I've told him time and again that he would be doing the same thing if the kids and I didn't exist. But knowing his answers, and giving him an opportunity to explain them to you while you listen with your heart are 2 different things. So you need to pretend that you don't know the answers, and you are not about to reject all the answers, and really listen. And give him credit for what he does. It's not a choice of this or that. He is who he is and you need to love him for who he is.
this is something I learned from Retro. I learned to say nice things to him, even if I wasn't really thinking them. My H likes to climb mountains. I like it at a slow pace, but not a steep uphill climb. On the trip to Jackson Hole a couple of weeks ago, while I was speaking at the conference, he climbed up the ski mountain next to the hotel. After that he could barely walk. When I finished the conference, I wanted to let loose and celebrate my relief at a job well done. But he didn't want to walk around the town and find a new restaurant, or have drinks, or look in the shops. He wanted to lie in bed and watch tv. And he was too tired for sex too. I was a little miffed. But I didn't let him know that. I said "I like the fact that you are very active for your age and you do a lot of physical activities and keep yourself fit." He really ate up that compliment. And the next day he was ready to do things together. I am proud of myself for not acting snippy at the time. But without my Retro training, I certainly would not have done the right thing, and might have said something that would have ruined the trip for both of us.
I feel that i am learning a lot from Retro and from this board. Last winter/spring, I would have written H a 6 page letter listing all I have done to help him, what he has done to hurt me, what he needs to do to change, etc. Nobody wants to get beat up, especially over 6 pages!
This time, I am still very upset/emotional about our situation. But I kept it to 4 pages (trust me this won't seem all that long to H he is used to it. Even my retro dialogue answers are usually 2 notebook pages!). And I told him how I felt about things, I told him my side of the story, more than telling him what he was doing wrong.
I am not used to being in this position. I have a hard time distinguishing between being assertive and being a demanding b!tch. It is because I am the "helper" or "Golden Retriever" or "pleaser" on personality tests. I am always worried about other people's happiness. I have waffled this afternoon on whether I should have sent H the letter, or if he will perceive it as an attack, etc.
But I just re-read it, and I don't think it was an attack at all. If anything, it was me waving a flag to signal to H that things are not hunky dory for me, and I need some things from him to help change that...
OK as you can tell I am inwardly questioning myself again.
Anyway, sent the letter around 3:45 but I don't expect a reply of any kind. We'll see what happens.....
