WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice

[thrillisgone]

LD - LOL, we're all getting old and yes I changed alot since my younger days. I'm much softer. Big mistake. It it easy to take things for granted. Having said that, my ExW's journey started a long time ago due to severe hormonal fluctuations and subsequent medical issues. The difference in her attitude was obvious but too subtle for me to read what was happening. She became depressed,withdrawn and unhappy but even that wasn't consistent. She was in and out. It seemed there was little I could say or do that was right. What she needed I couldn't give her because I didn't know what it was. I know now that there were
changes I could have made in my behavior and routine that would have helped. So in essence I was a contributing factor but not the cause of her MLC.

By the time the situation became critical I was caught completely by surprise. Hell, my ExW didn't even understand what was happening to her. She was confused. My W having an affair was so out of character I couldn't believe it. She had constantly railed against this type of behavior. A woman who stated that her home was her sanctuary and that she loved her family and felt safe suddenly told me she hated her house. A week before she left she told me that she didn't want a divorce or even a separation and that "We'll work through this". At that time she was already having the affair. A week after that statement she left in a drunken haze.

So in the beginning of the crisis stage I was fearful, confused, hurt, in denial, and felt all the things that you have felt and are feeling. We had 30 years together and our relationship was the envy of friends and family. Everyone was shocked. My W was angry, lying all the time, hiding and she initially withdrew from friends and family.

So what did I do wrong? I tried to fix a situation in which I was totally powerless and didn't understand. MLC is very complex and above my pay grade and everyone elses. She uttered all the classic phrases and her behavior was textbook. The problem was I didn't have the textbook.It was inconceivable to me that she would throw away 30 years without a day of counseling. It made no sense that she would have an affair with a guy 70 years old. It made no sense that she would walk away from a house we bought for her and that she decorated with her heart. It made no sense that she would throw away her wedding dress, handmade clothing from her grandparents and a whole host of sentimental items from her childhood. All of this made no sense until I stopped trying to make sense out of it. You see, the marriage and the spouse are not the cause of this. We contribute to the problem but we are not the cause.

So I screwed up by chasing her. Expressing my love for her. Letting her know that I cherished our marriage.Forgiving her way too soon for the affair thus mainstreaming her actions. Enlisting family and friends for help.Pushing counseling and accepting all the blame out of hopes she might turn around. Hanging on too long and waiting for some sign of hope.

Once a spouse is in crisis these actions are way too late. Words have little meaning but actions speak loudly. You can fix you but they have to take responsibility for themselves. My ExW intellectually is 45 yrs old but emotionally she is going on 13. It is like going through puberty backwards. Well adjusted people do not routinely make impulsive destructive decisions. Hormones and mid life challenge men and women alike. It takes some unresolved issues to put people into MLC. My ExW has many. Only she can solve that puzzle for herself. You can't apply logic and rational thinking to the irrational and illogic. How much sense does it make for your W to being seeing another man, betraying your wedding vows and then coming to you for a brake job? Think about it. It is absurd. Would you screw somebody over in the worst way and then ask them for a favor? Of course you wouldn't.

Work on yourself for yourself . If it helps bring your W around, great. If it doesn't you'll be a better and wiser man. Also remember that you'll need incredible patience through this. This may resolve quickly or it may be 2 years or 5 years or never. That is what moving on and dropping the rope is all about.