Running late this morning, so I only have a second...
I am crying now (teared up anyway) b/c you are so good to me and care about me. IT feels so good to know I can go to bed with a headache and wake up and see my friends have been thinking about me while I was gone, trying to help me out...
H called twice last night, once at 6 and once at 8:45. Just to talk to me and the kids. I did not say ILY b/c I always do, he didn't say it either. He did initiate both calls. No mention of Dialogue from him. I had sent him the message earlier in the morning saying I would let him ask to dialogue this week if he chose to do so (since I always am the one asking to start it in the evenings when he is here). So that is where we are...
I don't like to bet because I don't like losing. But in this case, I would bet that while he is gone he will not say ILY if you don't say it first, and he will not mention dialogue. If you put the ball in his hands he will drop it. He has shown you that everything else in his life comes first before the marriage. While he is out of town it will be even easier to ignore his homelife. The days will go by and you will get angrier and angrier about his failing to pay any attention to you. So, I think, if you are going to become angry at his failure, you should stop this test now. He will fail. The only reason the ball is in play is because you have kept it going.
So do you suggest I continue to say ILY and be loving and supportive and know it is one-sided?
Or just stop doing it and don't expect any change in H?
I feel that I have run out of time and options,
I can continue to spend the next several weeks/months/who knows being the loving supporting caring wife, until H gets restless and leaves again.
I can mentally/emotionally detach myself and live a parallel life w/H so the kids have a "family" life. This will not last forever either I don't think b/c even if I vow to stick it out, H will probably get restless again
I can just tell H it is over if he can't give me what I need/want and then I must follow through and make him leave and tear apart my family.
Which of these sounds good to you guys???
Sorry I sound like a snotty brat today I am actually walking through work in a fog that feels a lot like the one I was in all last winter/spring. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE BACK "THERE" AGAIN.
I guess I left out the option where H comes to his senses and dedicates himself to being the husband he could/should be. But that doesn't seem all that likely.
I am kind of in a denial phase where I know what I see happening to us but I don't want it to happen. So I keep doing the same things, being loving, supportive, reaching out, reacting with hurt when I don't see H reaching back, trying harder to be loving supportive, and so it goes around and around.
You missed the one where you tell him what you want and you both continue to work very hard at it. You stick to your game plan and rules and eventually you two rebuild a marriage. And it's a lot of work by both of you.
My opinion is that nothing good is going to happen unless you take control. Dan is meandering around.... aimless. Not to be harsh but the guy is worthless at helping fix your situation.
I agree with Woog on that. So if you love him, then say ILY. If you don't, don't lie. You need to tell him what you are thinking. Letters are good. You know how to write constructive letters to him. I would explain the quandary to him. Maybe even send it while he's away. He probably has as much time to think when he's away as he does at home. I would be honest with where you are at. What do you gain by hiding the truth about your relationship from him?
I guess I just fear that I will write him a letter that says how I feel, that it seems I am carrying the load, I love him deeply but am starving for similar expressions of love from him, etc...
And then he sighs and says he knows, he is trying, he is working, he isn't giving up, etc etc
That is what he has been saying since he moved back almost 3 months ago. And some things have changed. He is more helpful around the house, not a lot more, but more than he was before. He has been responsive to my kisses and ILYs. He called twice yesterday without me having to call him at all.
I think that would have been enough 6 months ago, for me to be happy then. Having him home, "letting" me love him, having him say the ILY in response to mine, accepting my invites on occasion for dates.
But I am growing and changing. I don't know if that is good, bad, selfish, or what. But I don't want him to just receive my love well. I want to feel it coming from him.
When I asked him in July to tell our son we were back together and nobody was leaving anymore (b/c S had been praying for it and suffering emotionally over it), H said he "didn't think it was necessary" to say anything. When I told him I wanted him to tell me he loved me unconditionally and was 100% committed to our marriage, he said he didn't think it worked that way. Those should be/now are red flags to me.
I will think hard and work on a letter tonight and share it with you all before I send it.......
Growing is good. I don't know if you need the letter for him as much as you do for you. Writing down what you want to say to him will keep you and track and make sure you don't forget what you want him to know.
Yes... those are flags. Maybe yellow and not red, but flags none the less.
Regardless of whether or not you give him a letter or just talk to him you need to do something for yourself. Remember, you deserve to be happy. Not just him. This is a two way street. You can't make him happy. You can only find ways to make yourself happy. Get back on the road BBJ. You know the direction to take. I know you do.
I do think it is possible to focus too much on hearing ILY. My H is not one to say it, ever. After his affair, I needed very much to hear it. I think I was able to get it when I pointedly asked. And I noticed that he signed his dialogue letters "love, J". But otherwise I wouldn't hear it. On the other hand, I don't feel that I need to hear it because I can see it in his eyes. And by and large (not when he is a grump) he seems to want to be with me. Even if it is just watching a game on tv.
H has never been a big sayer of ILY, in our Marriage history. He said in the past that if you said it too often, it didn't mean anything.
But he showed me he loved me. He would write the most amazing letters to me all about how he loved me, what he loved about me, etc etc
On 2 different occasions he sent me 12 christmas cards 12 days in a row for the 12 days of christmas.
He left a trail of balloons leading up to my dorm room for our dating anniversary.
He got a group of fraternity brothers to drive 2 hours to my college town to serenade me when he proposed.
He still wrote long notes/letters in his cards to me up until about 2 years ago. One of the last ones I got was 2 christmases ago, a couple months before the A started up. We had been fighting a bit the night before b/c he was working on a project in the garage and wouldn't come to bed. Turns out he was up all night installing a CD player in my car for me, which I had never had before, for Christmas.
His card said, "No matter how long the night or how bad the fight, I will always be here and always love you".
With gestures like that, I don't need to hear it everyday. Without those gestures, I would like to hear it. With no words AND no gestures, what is left???
