Dude...nds......wtf. actions, not words. open your eyes man...seriously. LOL. good job!
Neil, Buddy!!! There opening...slowly and not every day...but they are opening.
Been following your thread. Sorry I have not piped in but just don't have any advice...have to admit, given the same sitch, with the kids and OM....don't know which way I would turn.
I completely understand your quandary, and would be going through the same thing, but listen to everyone....you and the kids first..that's all you can have any control over right now.
OK...just to put a period on all the words / actions crap....I know, and thanks everyone for piping in, speaking your mind and giving me something to think about.
Bill....don't you ever get tired of telling me the same thing over and over???
Quote:
So, sorry for the 2x4.
I refuse to allow you to screw this up my friend.
Blessings,
Bill
Would have blown it a long time ago if not for this site and the people on here, especially you and Forrest.
It's taken a while to get the hang of it, and I know I still am not there yet.
Just wanted to say thanks again for continuing to check in on me. Have to finish up at work now, and head home. The girls are in NYC at the Madonna concert...just got another text from W and they are in there seats.
Yesterday with her was a good day and a very nice evening. That's all I have to say...just nice....
nds, let me remind you of something I posted a while back about words that are said.
My W has said:
I'm done. I'm totally done. Get the f*ck out of the house. I have my kids and my career and having nothing left for us. She told me she doesn't love me. She told me not to address her with any honey's, etc.. Don't say ILY to me. I don't want you touching me. Your very presence gives me anxiety and stress. I want to have sex, just not with you. There were so many more that it would take me a long while to type them here. But I think you get the point of where she has been in the past.
Steady Trust me, I think of your sitch and those words often when I think of my sitch. You and your wife have come a long way in a few months. Your wife opened up to you about the bad feelings she has had towards you, and now the good...lots of communication from both of you.
Unfortunately that is lacking with my wife and I, so like I have been 2x4's into realizing more and more....
ANW...Rootbeer...good one, Coach.
NDS
Steady is so right. I said words to my H too. I said;
I hate you. You will NEVER touch me again. I am DONE. Don't call me honey, sweetie, or anything other than my name.
The action I didn't do.........move out.
Hang in there, it sounds like things are progressing the right direction, no matter how slowly.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
It's nice to get the viewpoint of SC. She's been there and she always gives the viewpoint from the AWAW. SC you've helped me more than you know - as I'm sure many people can say the same thing.
nds you keep saying nothing has changed in your sitch. I'd say something has changed - you. In your own words you said you started treating her the way she deserves to be treated. And because you've changed, the sitch has to automatically change. No one can guarantee the outcome, but imagine where everything would be right now if you hadn't changed.
Your best bet is to continue being consistent with those changes, and when you see an oportunity for more positive change, take it and run with it. It's exactly what you've been doing all along.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Her saying "I am still leaving".. is exactly the same thing she was hearing when you were as*ing up.
She has not quit yet.
Until she sends you to my house.. you don't quit either.
Lucky Cricket.
You mean when I was being an a**hole all those years, I may as well have been telling her I didn't love her and wanted out of the marriage?
That is what she thought, and has told me that in so many words at one time or another during the last 6 months.
I was not going to mention this, because it happened while were both a little buzzed, and I have been trying not to put us into that position as much....doing much better.
Sunday after the game we kept drinking margaritas and just got into one of those crazy nights we had not had in a while....G rated version is she could not keep her hands off me, but it was not just touching...lots of conversation and connecting.
At one point there was a tequila induced slip as I was kissing her and I told her I loved her. She did not return it, but she looked me straight in the eye and said "You really do love me, don't you? You really do love me."
I told her...yes, it's taken me way too long to figure out just how much and how to show you, but yes...I really do love you.
...end of conversation...that was 3 days ago, and no distance, no drama. She still has been calm and relaxed and talkative...maybe she doesn't remember or maybe it didn't sink in, but at least I didn't get reprimanded for saying it.
It's nice to get the viewpoint of SC. She's been there and she always gives the viewpoint from the AWAW. SC you've helped me more than you know - as I'm sure many people can say the same thing.
nds you keep saying nothing has changed in your sitch. I'd say something has changed - you. In your own words you said you started treating her the way she deserves to be treated. And because you've changed, the sitch has to automatically change. No one can guarantee the outcome, but imagine where everything would be right now if you hadn't changed.
Your best bet is to continue being consistent with those changes, and when you see an oportunity for more positive change, take it and run with it. It's exactly what you've been doing all along.
Yes, I know...thanks for stopping by SC...any time you want to pipe in...please do, I appreciate the female perspective.
Steady, I meant that it feels like the "sitch" itself has not changed much since the beginning. Even the first week after the bomb...after a few days of awkwardness...we went out to a show and had a great night together. Those things we have done since this all started...she has never really refused me quality time, we have fun, we ML....and that has always been the strange and confusing part to me through all of this.
What I have noticed more lately is the lack of awkwardness during the normal parts of our lives. There is more conversation, more questions about our days from each other. Before it seemed the majority of communication came when we were out partying or going away, or drinking at home...the crazy, over the top stuff, then she would wake up the next morning and say..."wait a minute, don't get the wrong idea her".
Now we sit and talk about politics, watch a football game together, or a movie, have dinner and there is normal everyday conversation.
What still bothers me a little is the bed thing....as much as we do, and as intimate as we are, she still spends more than half the nights on the couch....sometimes even ending up there after we ML. That's one I just can't figure out....maybe her way of obtaining, or keeping the space that she needs.
What still bothers me a little is the bed thing....as much as we do, and as intimate as we are, she still spends more than half the nights on the couch....sometimes even ending up there after we ML. That's one I just can't figure out....maybe her way of obtaining, or keeping the space that she needs.
I wouldn't be surprised if you're not right on the mark with that interpretation.
Did she used to spend lots of nights on the couch alone, or did this just start since the bomb?
If this is just since the bomb, this couch deal could well be a decent measuring stick of where she's at in things.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
nds, my W has recently commented about how she feels her control over her 'personal space' is coming back. The couch thing may just be your W's way to feel in control of her personal space. Just a thought. I'm not sure I would interpret it as her somehow 'running away' from you - this is based on how the rest of your sitch is.
The question I have is did she used to spend every night on the couch? Or more nights than she is right now...or has the frequency remained the same?
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
