People called me about her conversations with them, I guess hoping to give me a postiive feeling. Your last line is what she told the woman she lives with Sunday night.
I have dropped the rope as far as she can see. I am getting into my projects and have less down time with the DR book. It is very hard detaching, I give all of you credit. My dependency on her has gone for the most part. I do everything at home for the house and the kids. I ask her for nothing and expect nothing from her. I want the brake job done so I can move on. Tgone' your words are very good to hear and all of you have the same message to me. A therapist told me that part of my relaitionship problem was our co-dependency. She has told me how to deal with it and I am. I do need downtime and I am taking it Sunday. this day is mine, for me to relax, read the damn paper, watch some football, eat bad, greasy food and unwind. I think I may even have some wine. I am lookng forward to my weekend. don't ask me why, but I am. I know you are shut down with your exW and I understand how you got there, I need to know what things you had done in the beginning that you feel failed. i want to know if I am doing anything remotely the same. I have heard going dark works, and i have even seen it. After a week, she does contact me about nothingness. Hiolidays are coming. I have steeled myself to it and have prepared what and where I am going. Iu need to lok at funds for Xmas. Already talked to the kids about presents, and as I expected, told me if you can't get anything, we want you to know that who you are now is the best thing we could have hoped for. I know my changes are real and I know they have huge impact. I will be able to give them gifts if I have to cut body parts out. LOL...
I have such great kids, family and friends...Now I have all of you as well. My new attitude after AmyC's response and yours, is now, this is where I will come to for advice. I have cut the others off. Started last night with my son. Asked me about being home alone with her. told him I was cool as a cucumber, did my project, didn't peak in windows, thanks for asking. Then we talked about his job, what was on TV, he seemed more relaxed, I'm sure. So I see a huge interaction impact already. I will get all my blinders off in time, I'm sure. Keep looking in on me. i was told the other day by someone who knew me very well years ago. He said he was surprised to have heard about my situation. But he was mostly surprised that I didn't pack up all her stuff and through it in her car. He told me, you had the emotions of a brick wall, you never wore your heart on your sleeve and you were never worried about taking care of yourself or what anybody thoguth about you. But he says he understands, age softens people and time makes us different people. He told me to reach back and be the guy from then, the guy who walks into a room and women look at it, men worry and enjoys himself. You were the man at one time in your life, we all saw it, we all envied your attitude. He told me D, get it back man, get it back right now. i am steeling myself very hard right now. I am very driven right now, but she still turns me to jello. He is right, I was not someone who this would have shatered years ago. I seriously would have respoonded differently, but quite honestly it is what she really fell in love with. I took nothng at face value, I took nothing laying dwon and I sure as hell let nothing get in my way. It was nice talking with him and I am going to his house tonight. I have put so much behind me, I have spent so much time reflecting on my role in this, I have changed my persona, quit doing things that were damaging and doing some 180s, but I think the 180 I need right now is too back and get my attitude back. I an feel the emotion surging in me as I type this. If I am the man I want to be right now, then the attitude rejuvenation is going to make me the best of all. Do you think you had changed a lot of your married time? I spent a lot of time over coffee this morning thinking about his words which is what prompted me to drop the bomb. I understand everyone's point and I need to fight this urge off. But I also know tha tI need to be who I am, who I really am and not some door mat. I am going to see my local pastor i think, one day or night this week. Not that I am a religious person by any stretch, but I need to do this. I think I need to really try everything to get some perspective. I may not attend church, but I might, think probably I will when I close my camp. MY D says she wouldn't mind going with me.
Did you ever have a moment when you said, "I remember way back when, when I would've (blank) and not done that. Boy am I getting old or what?"
