I too, strongly suspect that your wife may have gotten her idea from a relatively recent paperback called 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy, in which a middle-aged couple, who's sex life had been dwindling, vowed to make love every night for 365 days in a row -- and subsequently published a book about it. It was a (somewhat gimmicky) way of revitalizing their sex life together, and got them some interviews on TV and cable news networks (which is where I saw them). I think that your wife *may* have put her own twist on their idea.
I see both a good and a bad side to your wife's idea.
POSITIVE POINTS:
1) She's looking for a way to reinvigorate your sexual relationship. She recognizes that there is something missing, and is making a stab at working to fix it.
2) She's realized that one of the problems has been in how you approach her for sex.
This is a BIG DEAL for women, and one that men often don't get -- I sure as heck didn't for a very long time. For a man, the decision to have sex (or not) is a easy one: with our high testosterone levels, it doesn't take much for us to say "Hell Yeah!" and get on board the idea, even if we hadn't even considered it as a possibility that evening. For a woman, the decision is a much more MENTAL than hormonal: they have to be romanced, coaxed, and seduced into the idea of having sex. And it's NOT a game -- it's how they are wired.
When an HD man gets into an SSM situation, his natural reaction is to become more and more timid in his approach to initiating sex with his wife, and by so doing, he sabotages his changes of success. I've had to learn this lesson the hard way, and completely change my approach to my wife. I've put one set of 'lessons learned' into a post regarding the four basic models for initiating sex, or if you'd rather, you can look over my rather bumpy journey toward recovering my sex-starved marriage.
The message behind her idea, that you need to hear loud and clear is: if you want her to respond to you and have more sex with you, YOU need to "Man Up," take the risk, romance her, and seduce her in a different manner than in the past --> more often, and more confidently. She's giving you that chance.
3) But is isn't all up to you. In initiating this idea, she's owning up to her contribution to the problem, and is actively trying to 'think' sexually each and every night. Yes, she's asked you to take the lead and do the seducing, but she's also made a commitment to consider your advances and respond if she can --> and give you open feedback if she can't. She's made a commitment to 'work the issue,' and you have to give her credit.
NEGATIVE POINT:
The main negative that I see here is that not only does she want you to take the Active role while she takes the Passive role (which I see as OK, for now), she also insists on being the one in CONTROL. She plays the gate-keeper, the one who gets to say 'yay' or 'nay' -- and determines whether you get to sleep with her or on the couch. By maintaining such complete control, she is unknowingly undermining your chances of success. Why? Because, like it or not, women are naturally turned on by a man who is strong, dominant, and in control (as long as that man is loving, giving, and cherishing of her at the same time). That is, if you are put in the place of approaching her from a position of weakness, like a puppy begging for his nightly Milk-bone, you will fail --> this position is neither masculine nor sexually attractive to a woman.
So here is what I would do: if she expects you to take charge, and take the lead in initiating sex nearly every night, then SHE needs to agree to make herself sexually available to you when you do initiate, even if her initial knee-jerk reaction is to resist. If she expects you to Just Do It! and initiate when you might be feeling uncomfortable and unsure about it, then she needs to do her part and Just Do It!, even when your approach or her initial reaction is less than stellar: you BOTH need to be forgiving of each other, and allow yourselves the time to adjust to a new mode of approaching your sex life.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
