God give me the patience and the strength...7

[MidwesternGirl]

there is nothing wrong, absolutely nothing wrong with helping him on the farm.

heck, my h comes over and i help him and vice versa with certain things around the house.

nothing wrong with any of it.

just help and afterwards, stay out of his way unless he asks for more help.

and i don't see anything wrong with just sitting around on the farm either and just talking casually.

[theotherhalf]

what I am asking is...

am I wrong to not believe what he is saying to me at this point. Should I be believing and accepting that he is completely over me and that he will not ever come home?

or should I believe the man that even after such a conversation he comes and eats supper with us, hangs out here for the evening and then comes back in the morning?...

[theotherhalf]

Anything new on your court action?

Nothing new except they are asking me now to plead guilty to 3rd degree burglary. I am ticked at this as it is still a felony. I still stand that I didn't intentionally commit this crime. I didn't go there with the intent to break in and beat the hell out of her. I only wanted to prove to myself that he had lied once again. I didn't make that door come open, it just did. I didn't enter that house to assault her. I only wanted to confront H. The assault took place because he was not there, she ran her mouth and I had had enough. I lost my cool that is all. It was assault plain and simple. That is the crime I committed. Not burglary. Not a felony. But if I don't plead guilty to this, I risk going to jail. So what do I do?

How's the fall harvest yield?

Haven't started yet, but doesn't look to promising in this area. Even more reason for H to decide to quit farming I'm afraid at this point. I guess we'll see....

[theotherhalf]

"and i don't see anything wrong with just sitting around on the farm either and just talking casually"


I don't either, in fact I love spending time with him, of course I do. But why on earth does he do this when he is so SURE that he wants a D and is not coming home? I it out of guilt? He feels sorry for me? Or is it because he is so confused and he's doing what HE wants at the time?

and I do stay out of his way. I don't do anything he doesn't ask of me with the farm stuff. Other than the day he took calves to vet. I did that because in no way did he think if he asked I would. 180 for me, I am too afraid and hate working with the livestock. So I just went and did it.

[MidwesternGirl]

Just ignore the D stuff. If he is so adamant about that, then he will do something about it and he hasn't -- yet.

Don't even think about it and take it one day at a time.

[theotherhalf]

so much easier said than done, especially when that's all you can see down the road...

but doing so step by step...

[Bworl]

why on earth does he do this when he is so SURE that he wants a D and is not coming home?

I don't remember you ever sharing him saying that he was sure he wanted a divorce. Is this a case of you putting words in his mouth?

This is what you wrote just a day or two ago...

I told H this Sunday...he agrees but doesn't want to change a thing...not coming home...likes it the way it is...if I want to change it, change it...

Sounds to me like he's saying he is currently comfortable with things the way they are. In fact it sounds like he's saying, if you need a divorce, go get it.


This is NOT unusual. And him saying that he has no intention of coming home - well, by now you should know that this means "as of TODAY" he has no intention of coming home. Who knows what the future will bring?


An interesting shift in your thought process lately. Not sure if it's because of some of the advice being offered or what. Lately you're talking more and more about whether you should just believe him and move on, though it's clearly NOT what you want to do.


For me, it would be simple. If I wanted to continue alone, hoping for eventual healing in the marriage relationship, I would continue alone. But I would also PROTECT myself. I would refuse to be close to him when I knew he was active with another person. In fact, I would put it on the table to him directly that as long as he is involving himself with another, he is NOT to be hanging around the house. And I would tell him that this was FOR ME, for MY emotional well being.

As long as there is no other relationship, I would welcome him as normal. Offer him a meal, offer him time at home. I would want him to feel as many good feelings as possible as it related to me, our farm, our home, and our family. I WANT him thinking about the GOOD things he's missing.

NO relationship talks. NO pressure. Just some clearly defined boundaries that are in place to protect MY emotional well being while I tried to stand for my marriage.


Stop making plans for something you really don't want.


Blessings,

Bill

[MidwesternGirl]

so much easier said than done, especially when that's all you can see down the road...

but doing so step by step...

I think this is because you are dwelling on this way too much.

YOu have to take it one day at a time and Bill gave good advice.

Now put it to good use.

[WCW]

An interesting shift in your thought process lately. Not sure if it's because of some of the advice being offered or what. Lately you're talking more and more about whether you should just believe him and move on, though it's clearly NOT what you want to do.

I don't think it is a shift, IMO it is a cycle with toh. Most likely the next shift/cycle will be an overnighter together, then another big withdrawal by her H. It's not just toh's sitch, it's like that with many here. Even a bad R has it's better times and then we think we can be more relaxed and it will work out.

For me, it would be simple. If I wanted to continue alone, hoping for eventual healing in the marriage relationship, I would continue alone. But I would also PROTECT myself. I would refuse to be close to him when I knew he was active with another person. In fact, I would put it on the table to him directly that as long as he is involving himself with another, he is NOT to be hanging around the house. And I would tell him that this was FOR ME, for MY emotional well being.

As long as there is no other relationship, I would welcome him as normal. Offer him a meal, offer him time at home. I would want him to feel as many good feelings as possible as it related to me, our farm, our home, and our family. I WANT him thinking about the GOOD things he's missing.

This is all good advice. How can these boundaries be enforced? toh doesn't know if he is involved with ow anymore. If she says you are not welcome to come in the house and he does, what does she do? I have always struggled with how to enforce a boundary when the WAS won't 'comply'.

MG, does Bworl's advice apply to your sitch too? your H is clearly with ow but you welcome him to your home often.

[MidwesternGirl]

My h has to go thru this on his own and in his own time, not mine.

He does talk as if he will be living here, he talks like we will be together when we are older and he talks like this with the kids as well.

H does come over to our home, Saturday, Sunday, a few times a week but I would rather love unconditionally, and be kind because boundaries do not always work. And this is his home, there is nothing I can do to prevent him from coming over and why would I? If I were to set boundaries about coming over that would push him further toward someone else.

OW is not important to him or me and if she was important to him, my kids would already have met her and they would be doing things together but he has no intentions of introducing them or taking the kids over where he lives.

So far this seems to be working for me.

Let me also say that my h and I can say ILY, miss you, etc. so the R talks are not an off limits thing. I just do not want to pressure him.