Positive developments?

[MichelleLT]

(((jon)))

No matter what state you or a R is in...it can always be the last. Whether by choice or by accident.

Just enjoy it. Live in the moment. Focus on the positives.

And hang in there.

[jon2911]

I'm back and catching up on threads. Will update soon. Been very busy around here...

[jon2911]

Update:

I followed the good advice (thanks Michelle!) and paid W to come do some work around the house. She’s amazing. Also, I was able to clear all my music stuff off the schedule and take a half-day off of work. The difference was incredible, as I got to focus on being with W.

W came in on a Wednesday night, and we had a great happy hour at our favorite Mexican restaurant. I need to remember what tequila does to W, as it resulted in some craziness in the car. Not complaining though

On Thursday I worked, then came home for a nice dinner and Grey’s Anatomy. Friday I took half a day from work and we went to the State Fair. Best time we’ve ever had there, and a great show from a new country band called Lady Antebellum. Saturday was relaxing, and Sunday we cooked out at the lake. Several times during the weekend I caught a certain look in her eye.

Overall, it was the kind of weekend that made me think about what marriage could be like. It was so nice. Just before she left, I was complementing her on all her work around the house, and said “how much would you charge for full time?”

This became a running joke, and a week later she was complaining about all her roommate and family drama, and said “maybe I should take you up on that housewife offer”. W is still broke, and now her family is pulling her into all the drama of SIL’s wedding. Still unclear whether FIL will be there, or if he’s even welcome. Even he doesn’t know.

I got these texts the next day:
“When I talked about wanting half a house there w/ you… please don’t take me too seriously.”

“We would have to talk through a lot of logical tangible things that would have to happen way before that”

I called her right away, kept it light, told her I understand that, but it’s fun to talk about. I expect the inevitable pull-back now and know how to deal with it

Over this past weekend, I played at a wedding, and she asked me how it was. I told her I cried a few times, and she said “weddings suck”. Then she threw me for a loop by suggesting we both secretly move to San Antonio and live together. We could have our stuff in different bedrooms, and if family visited, keep a door locked and act like it was just a room. She’d really thought it through. I said that could be a good idea (yeah right), while having an internal battle about how much I hate W’s family and how scared she is of them. She later told me she’s scared about trying again, and I told her I’m doing my best to take away that fear.

Early this morning she called after having a nightmare and we had a nice talk until I left for work. She said her C has told her she’s depressed, and that it gets more obvious from time to time. She started crying and wondered why she’s so sad. I told her it’s understandable, her grandpa isn’t doing well, weddings coming up. Talking every night and several times a day now.

She invited me in this weekend, I’m off Friday and leave Thursday night. Yay! Will read Michelle’s section on depression before I go.

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like a lot of positives!!!!

(((jon)))

What do you think is working?

What do you think needs to be changed? How would you break those down into small steps to move towards your goal?

[jon2911]

I don't know, but she just e-mailed that she applied to a job in San Antonio and is excited. Maybe she's really serious about this? Moving in secret and not telling anyone?

I'll have to borrow a Michelle tactic here
*headdesk*


My short-term goal is for her to give her landlord notice (60 days required). Next is for her to bring me to her sister's wedding on November 9th.

What's working is friendship and keeping things light. At least, I think it's working. This S.A. talk is scaring me...

[ms ladybug]

Jon's back! Been looking for you. Glad things are going well. She's a-thinking!

[maninmotion]

Hey Jon,
I'll give you a little something to think about. I have a good friend who said to me that there are lots of ways to have a relationship including a marriage relationship besides the standard both of you live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. He knows a couple that are married and monogamous, but, they live in different houses. It's weird, but, apparently works for them.

So, if there were no OM, I could maybe have found peace with a married relationship with my W and yet living in different houses. With the OM, I'm 99.9999% gone, but, I suppose that there is always the possibility for reconciliation. When she stayed overnight to watch the kids 2 weeks ago and we sat around the table and ate pancakes together, it was pretty good. Of course, later I read the text from her OM telling her that he wished she was with him, but, to enjoy the pancakes. That was definitely weird.

So, living together in San Antonio while hiding it from everyone else might not be so bad.

Dan

[jon2911]

So, living together in San Antonio while hiding it from everyone else might not be so bad.

I agree, but I'm not leaving my job, church and all my friends. If she got a job here in Dallas, there's no family here on either side. So no one would need to know anything for a while. Hopefully we can talk about it this weekend.

Really, I think what she wants is a safe "test run" at marriage without her family and friends knowing, which is kind of what we're doing on these weekends. So we'll see. I've got to admit it pisses me off when we're together, someone calls, and she tells me to be quiet.

On another note, really need to keep GAL'ing and taking care of personal details. Switching from husband to single mode every week has been really, really hard.

[MichelleLT]

Your goals sound like commitments to me.

What about the smaller things along the way that build the R.

Like spending weekends together - continuing that.
Like somehow expanding on that a little bit. Not sure if that makes sense.

[jon2911]

Well, lots to update here.

The long weekend was very good, basically got to do a lot of our favorite couple activities: Grey's Anatomy on Thursday, yard work on Friday (actually felt like working on our own house together), a small-town fair we found randomly on Saturday, and movies and Army Wives on Sunday. The movies were Body of Lies and Sarah Marshall, both very good. We also went geocaching with my iPhone, I thought it was really nerdy when her brother took us before, but another good memory.

W is not on speaking terms with her roommate, who is trying to get her kicked out. Her "landlord" is also hitting on her and making her feel uncomfortable. I joked that she should move to Dallas, and she said "maybe I should move back to my old apartment, and you could keep your stuff at your place".

I've thought about this since then, and it could be a really great idea. She's not ready to be completely back together, but this could be a good transition stage. The apartment is less than a mile from my house, on a beautiful lake where I keep my canoe. I went out last night and floated around, talking to for and some other friends. It was so peaceful, one of those "why haven't I done this more often?" moments.

I'd been keeping it light up to this point, but felt like the time was right to take the plunge. I asked what her concerns about moving were, and she said money. I told her that the rent isn't any more than she's paying in Houston, and I can help her out if needed, just like I am now. She also asked if I really want her back after what I know about OM #1, #2, etc. I told her I made a lot of mistakes as well, and not to say OM doesn't bother me, but I definitely want to be back together. She also asked my concerns, which is another huge step. I mentioned that continuing without any commitment scares me, but I don't expect her to feel safe to commit just yet. I told her we could continue the discussion via e-mail, which is something she's suggested in the past for sensitive topics.

Today, she asked for the phone number of her old complex, and we IM'd about job possibilities in Dallas. It seems like she's really thinking about it, but I'm staying cautious. Inevitably there will be some pullback, and she needs to give 60-day notice to her landlord. So this would still be a while out, which is probably good. It would be returning to the same setup we were until March, but I'd still be overjoyed if it happened.

W is napping now, and I'm finishing up a project at work that's been bugging me for a while. It turned cold and rainy today, and I didn't check the weather beforehand and got soaked on my bike. So I think I'll head to the gym and then home, need to catch up on some sleep.