In a strange mood today. Does anyone ever think about what it would take for H to come home and become completely overwhelmed??? I woke up this morning and for whatever reason started thinking about the fact that H has furnished an entirely new home and I don't see him giving up "his security" to come home again. It all just seems so insurmountable sometimes. I know it sounds crazy, but what would he do with everything he bought? As every day goes by it just seems like our future apart is more set in stone. ARRGH! I drive myself crazy!!!!!
Absolutely I have gone thru that. And it DOES seem to get worse as the days go by and things seem more entrenched. But, as my H had said when he was feeling more positive about us- "It's just "stuff". We can deal with it."
Look at it this way-- if you end up getting involved with ANYone- they will have a life, furniture etc that was there before you came along. Happens all the time in this great country that people combine households. Yes, it is a PITA, but not insurmountable. I think the REAL issue at hand is that right at this moment, you don't feel the innocent, ooey gooey feelings that drive people to take the leap of faith and live together. And without that driving force, it seems like a HE11 of a lot of work to go thru.
If your H turns around and starts to court you and rebuild trust, you will be able to deal with the logistics of recombining your lives. Maybe you will end up wanting to sell both homes and starting from scratch in a new place. There are endless ways to deal with it. First things first- let's keep negative emotions down and start building a true friendship.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
So our counseling session is tomorrow. I am very worried and nervous. I think H his thinking this will be a way of giving me closure and that makes me sad. I can't worry about that though...can I? I just have to go and see what happens.
H did come over today to pick up D...D was out with a friend so it was just he and I. I got a little flirtatious with him and we ended up on bed. It was wonderful and I made sure I was the first one to get out of bed. After he said "well I was doing a good job not thinking about sex...now that's ruined". Still not sure if him having sex with me is a good sign....he's so confusing, but it did make me feel less "frustrated" We hadn't had sex in more than a month. He was very complimentary during...after was very non-commital. I told him I liked compliments and he said "well didn't I give you compliments all over the place during?" I said...yeah, but it would be nice to hear those things after....He said "maybe I don't feel like saying those things after...doesn't it mean more that I said them during?". I said...I suppose so.
Lord how I miss him...our life...the one I didn't take the time to appreciate...if only I could get another shot at it.
Hang in there. Good luck with your session tomorrow. Even if H thinks he is doing this for you, hopefully he will take something away from it. It will give him someone elses perspective.
You are lucky to get some time in bed together! At least he is seeking out a connection. As long as you both got something good out of it I think it is a good sign...
Hope that he opens up tomorrow and you both can take some positive steps forward.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Like I said before.. it WILL be painful, most likely, but all you can do is see what happens. And remember that what he SAYS in front of you vs. what he's feeling/thinking may be different. In our joint session my H was absolutely sure he was "done." By the time he met with her individually and really hashed out he felt, he wasn't so sure.
I hope it goes well and that you like Kristine as much as I did!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am on pins and needles waiting to hear how it goes!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Okay, so I loved Kristine! She was great and very good at getting you to talk. H also loved her and said he thought she was "real".
So the session was interesting....we both kind of went over our history together from our own respective positions and she then asked questions. She told H her read on him was that he didn't really think our R had a good chance of making it, but that he also wasn't saying "no way, nuh uh, never...not gonna happen" either. He agreed with her. He told her us having sex with eachtoher was confusing for him as it made him feel like we were still in a relationship and that is something he is trying to avoid. She asked him if he enjoyed it...he said yes...she said "you are both consenting adults...sex may be repairative for both of you". Her advice on that was to go ahead with it as long as we both wanted it, but advised us that we should be honest with eachother if anyone else was in the picture as we each had the right to know from a protecting ourselves perspective. She also said, we should NOT talk about the past at all. She said our relationship is at a point where constant rehashing of our issues is only going to seal the deal and she told me that although she knew I wanted affirmation that if I kept bothering H I may push him in to a premature decision that would ultimately be no at this point. She asked H if he was willing to date me and he said NO! She asked what time we spent together then. We said, we basically see eachother when he drops D off. She asked what those visits were like. H said when I'm not bugging him about R, we talk about normal stuff. She asked what he thought of that....he said he enjoyed it and it was "nice". She then asked me what I thought and I said I enjoyed his company and I knew I put pressure on him about the R. She asked what I meant. I told her I keep asking for some kind of positive comment from him and that I flirt with him. Again, she asked him if the flirting bothered him and he said, it confused him because he doesn't know why I never did it before and he just thinks I'm trying to reel him back in so I can just hurt him again...he then said my flirting did make him feel good though and went on to say that the sex we've had since we've been separated is the best we've ever had. Our session ran over by 30 minutes! At any rate, at the end she asked us what we wanted to do in terms of using her services. Before I could open my mouth, H said he wanted to come back and talk with her and we have another appointment scheduled for next Wednesday!
Gosh, I hope we can both get past this awful time in our lives. I am going to really try to stop from bringing up the R...it helps to know I will have my time to discuss it next Wednesday.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
