As I went back and read what I wrote last night/this morning (ugh, 4 hours of sleep is not enough), I had a thought...
his acting ability has been honed throughout our entire relationship. He was always there to help me.
I wonder how much he did from his heart, and how much he did out of expectations from myself and others.
I look back and remember him always being there to support and help me.
I was in the Senior Class and Student Council in high school. I started a fundraiser to purchase Thanksgiving Baskets for needy families in our community. And there are pictures of the two of us, putting the baskets together. I was awarded the Gold Award in scouts. He never advanced past First Class (personal recognition wasn't important to him).
He was there all through college, acting as my "studio assistant" while I did my artwork. He went right to work after high school, quickly becoming the shop foreman at a ridiculously young age. I loved that he was a natural leader. But we saw each other often, just about every single weekend. I actually chose my school so I was within driving distance, and went home every weekend instead of hanging with my friends. I didn't drink, so that part of it wasn't missed, but in looking back, I did forego making closer friendships with more people - I have regrets about that. I went home for him, and for my sister (to be her Girl Scout leader). I think I felt bad that I had left her there when I went to college. We are 10 years apart, and I helped raise her; mom was an alcoholic.
X didn't go out with "the buds." He hung with his family, mostly. He was on the phone with me a lot, and working. He hadn't liked school, and only had two or three friends that he kept in touch with after high school. He didn't just go over to be with them... I adopted his dream that we would travel America on his motorcycle, tent and backpack. I drew pictures of our little cape on a lake, with a canoe and white picket fence.
His world revolved around me and our families. When we went out, it was as a couple, with his sibs, or with my friends. He didn't like most of my friends from college, especially the guys. I remember sitting and talking about "the meaning of life" with them until 3 or 4 in the morning, and X would be amazed and a little disgusted that they couldn't fix a flat on their cars. He could (and did) fix everything. He and I didn't have as many deep conversations, and ones we did were initiated by me.
X and I married a week after I graduated college.
We traveled by car to Maine without reservations or an itinerary. It was beautiful, and free, and what we thought it would always be like between us - discovering new places together, walking hand in hand.
We adopted a puppy on our way home. I stayed at home for about 6 months afterwards, blanketing the Island with resumes while I trained the dog and "played house." I finally got work through a temp agency.
Life revolved around family, a few select friends, work and us. My dad died. The first baby was on the way, and we decided to move with my mother and sister into a new house - we needed the downpayment, she needed help with the monthly expenses and getting out of a bad neighborhood.
We were a couple, almost always. Fast forward through 2 kids...
I remember that once the kids were older, I started to reach out into service again. I made new friends. I went out. I encouraged him to find a hobby, to go out with friends on his own. I reminded him to call his old buddies, which he would do, sometimes.
I was surprised one day when I asked for help hanging an art show, and he got upset - aren't there parents in that school to help, or the other teachers? I chalked up a lot to him being so tired all of the time, now. He had bad back problems and was often in pain. He got up at 4:30 am to go to work...
****** Were we always mismatched? Did he just fit himself into the mold of what I wanted and expected from him? What everyone had always expected of him? People in our neighborhood all called him Superman....he told me during this mess that he didn't want to be Superman anymore, that he had found his kryptonite....
He said he had been pretending for a very long time.
I think as authentic as I always was, X would bend himself into the position of the Good Guy, of the Hero.
I don't know if it was an equal partnership. X said I loved him not for himself, but for what he could do for me. But when he didn't do something for me, I didn't love him less....
I loved HIM. At least the him he let me see.....
**** I feel like I am close to something, here... time to put it away and look at it later.
