Hi millicent-
I will certainly let you know if I ever figure it out!

Well, here is the update since my last post...

I've been hearing from my H more consistantly...pretty much daily. We met for lunch last week, for a drink on Friday, we went out with friends on Saturday night and we have had dinner together the last couple of nights. Saturday night my H stayed over but he woke up early Sunday morning and said he didn't feel well so he was going to go to his apartment to sleep. I suggested he could just stay and sleep at my house but he wanted to leave. Now I was mostly fine with him wanting go but I was bothered by the fact that he can't feel "at home" enough to want to just sleep and relax at my house. It made me feel like we are no closer to him coming home...that frustration certainly gave me something to talk to the C when we had our session night before last. I had an opportunity to vent one-on-one with the C since my H showed up late again for the session . I told the C that I do see progress but not that much and I am getting tired of it. He agreed that we are making slow progress and then he told me that he thinks my H is more afraid of losing me than I am of losing him. I think him saying that opened the door for me to say what I have been feeling to my H...so when my H finally showed up at C, I laid it all out there. We talked about him moving home and he acknowledged that I said I would like him to move home before the holidays. He said he had been thinking about moving home before the end of the year (he never told me that but he thought he had ). My H said his main concern about moving back is whether or not I "get it"..."get it" meaning accepting him for who he is, not mothering him and telling him what to do, not trying to guilt him into doing the thing I want him to do, etc...The C asked what percentage he thinks I get it now. My H said 85%. The C asked what percentage he thought I "got it" at the beginning of summer. My H said 50%. The C seemed extremely encouraged by the progress. My H also talked about and stressed what a big deal it was for him to leave the marriage because it was so uncharacteristic of him to do something like that. Now the C wants us both to make a list of what expectations we have when we live together again. Hmmm...this could be interesting. I gotten so used to having no expectations that I'm having difficulty finding things to put on my list.

Anyway, after C, my H and I went to dinner and we talked more. I felt like I could be more myself with my H...we talked about what has happened in the past (even post bomb) and we talked a little about the future. I do feel like we were connecting a more but I still see that we have a long way to go.

My H told me when he left, he didn't care...meaning he didn't care about me and what I did. He says he does care now...although I can still see that he has a long way to go before we make it through this. I worry that I don't really know this man...he is a changed although I do see him softening and do see more of the old H reappearing.

I have my doubts that my H will be moving back before the end of the year. When he first left, he told me it would be just for a few weeks...then it was a few months...8 months later he rented an apartment and said he was only going to stay there for 3 months and he has been there almost a year. I think there is part of him that really wants to move back in with me...I just know there is still a big part of him that isn't ready. I am trying to prepare myself that this could take awhile.