I guess it's over

[Esky94]

Actually, I agree with you. But it is a VERY fine line. I think, for me, I want a true partnership where EACH person is taken into consideration and a mutually beneficial life is created.

My W had an annoying (to me) habit of ending discussions or debating about some direction or action we needed to take with "It's up to you". She didn't really mean it literally. It took me years to understand it really meant "We've talked about this extensively and you understand my viewpoint on this, which I have firmly given to you, so I'm leaving it to you to make the final decision". Whichever decision I take, I better know damned well why. My gut feeling is you H is nowhere near that point of being able to articulate a decision.

My biggest beef with Spanish is the trilling the r's. I hope there is no trilling in Italian.
Spanish was fine, but there is just *something* about Italian. It just 'sounds' so much better to me. More romantic..Passionate.

Um...yes, there is a bit of trilling of R's in Italian, but nowhere as bad as Spanish. And Italian is the passionate language. But it is not as romantic as French. I speak both and once met a French girl speaking fluid Italian with a French accent. Whoa baby!!

Besides- Do I really want him back? Not if he is going to act like he has been. Do I *really* want to constantly be walking on eggshells, worried about what is coming down the pike?
He would need to treat me in a very different way and "proving me wrong" is not part of it. The way he's been treating me recently could definitely that sort of "I'll show you" component; if that is all he has to offer, I am NOT interested.

I haven't read enough of other people's forums, but this is a question running through my mind. Do I want my W back? Given how she's acting now? No. But if I understand her actions as being a result of my untrustworthy behaviour? Then maybe, I need to wait until she isn't so jacked off at me so I can remind myself how she was when I met her and things were neutral to positive.

I had my chat with my DB coach and one of the things we discussed was friendship and how it FEELS. I'm still little edgy and fearful around my W because I perceive or imagine she's still judging me. If I ask her, I know she'll say yes. If I don't, I think she'll just watch other behaviours of mine to see if they're consistent. So I'm always under scrutiny. I HATE it. I know what I did to hurt her and I know I stopped. Period. But I still FEEL "not-so-good" around her and I don't like that "not-so-good" feeling. Jody said I should stop worrying about what W thinks and more on how I am coming across to her. Not just words during interactions, but body languge, clothes. Even losing weight will make a statement, so I need to start working out and watching what I eat. But how I FEEL with her is still something that I need to improve so I can FEEL better generally.

XBF is talking about how he has always loved me; learned what he needed to learn; I'm 'the one'; he's so gah gah right now, he is talking about marrying me. I did tell him he needs to BACK OFF. That he is freaking me out and that I still have no idea where I am going to end up. That I need time to heal.

Good that you told him to BACK OFF. How is he going to make you feel if he's so clingy and in-your-face right away? I think some light dates with a range of guys would be good. Just easy ones. No pressure. Just enjoy yourself.