I think I may belong here.

[kelaaron]

Well hopefully someone will reply who has some understanding of this. I have been reading other threads and am coming to some understanding. I see so many similarities it is really scarry. I don't think I really wanted to believe this is what was happening for a long time. Now I really think I have no choice.

I realize that if I hadn't gotten sick last year, H probably would have done all of what he is doing now, then. H tries to be responsible cuz his parents weren't and I think that is a big part of why he has been struggling for so long. I also think he has been struggling with this for a long long time. I have come to see the catalyst of everything. His favorite grandmother died in early 2006. She was the person who always loved him no matter what. It was shortly after that that he started to really change. The anger was already there, but the replay behaviors started then. Unfortunately, they are still continuing now and it is killing me. I don't know this person at all. This is not the man that I fell in love with and definately not the person I married. My reprieve for about 7 months came becasue I was sick and he felt he had to be there. He has cut his family out. No friends that he used to have. Just don't know anymore. Only seems to want to talk to people who are supportive of what he is doing. However, he has told me has hasn't even told them his real feelings. I have been through so much myself these last two months. I want to share it all with him. At first, he was not interested at all and to be honest, I wasn't really sure if I should. I am becoming so much stronger in myself. I am releasing all of my fears and now they are being replaced by legitimate ones that I am losing my M. I am trying to let them go to because I know they will stop the journey that I need to be on.

H has exhibited such strange behavior. S has started to comment on it to me. Running around the house in underwear, coming out of bathroom naked, regardless of who will see. Not calling. S doesn't really understand why I am detaching although I am trying to explain to him as best as I can. I can't push H. I just can't. He is starting to be responsible for money. Is showing interest in the bills. Tells me I need to work more, last thing was how can I expect him to carry the whole thing. So then I told him I might add two more days (the days he suggested) and he told me I need to remember that S has to get back and forth to karate. I can't win. For almost 2 months, H has not asked me to buy anything for him (food, medicine, whatever...) Has been eating really badly, or not at all, although has eaten a little if I cook it. I have also not been cooking much. Which has really disappointed me cuz I love to cook and hate "boxed" food. Yesterday, he had a list for me to go to grocery, sort of. Told me he wants to take food to work, but not always sandwiches. Didn't know what he wanted and said I should just pick some stuff out. I asked him about what he had told me a few months ago, when his schedule changed, about liking to have dinner when he comes home. He said he still wants that. He has started to say little we and our things, unlike when he dropped the bomb and everything was me, and had been for a long time before. I know he is struggling. His heart is showing him something that he doesn't want in his head. He is in small ways pulling closer to me (ways that we haven't had in a long long time) but in other ways he is stepping further away. I know this is going to be a long road, especially since it has been so long already because of how he fights with himself.

I have to just keep doing what I need to do to improve me. I have to do what God has told me to do about getting my house together. I have to just keep loving him and hope that someday, he sees it and accepts it and comes through this. I have to keep praying.

Please anyone, any comment or support would be really appreciated.