AmyC - Oh yeah...I made the mistake of getting family involved because the initial behavior was so bad I really was worried that my ExW had gone crazy. After I got centered myself I quit communicating about all of this. My ExW was pissed off for sure. She was desperately trying to hide what she was doing. That is when the blaming and justification behavior went in to action. After I quit talking about it, things calmed down. She is still way way out there but I'm at least out of the storm.
LD - Listen to AmyC. I made every mistake in the book because I had no idea what I was seeing. I was in shock. By the time I got my bearings several months had passed and I had made many critical errors. Sadly enough, my ExW has a better chance of coming out of this now that our relationship has been destroyed. She may never come back looking for the 30 years she pissed away but if she does, she'll find me gone and I'm not coming back. Ironic isn't it?. There is a tendency for those left behind to seek understanding, support, empathy and sympathy. Just do this in the proper venue. This is a good place to do it. Family and friends are O.K. to a very limited extent. Watch what you say and who you say it to. This is critical. For both of you.
If a year ago you would have told me that I would loose my best friend and marriage I would have told you you're nuts. If you told me 7 months ago when this turned into a crisis, that I would feel this cold towards my ExW now, I would have told you "you're freakin' crazy".
This situation you're in can be so damaging, it is unthinkable. Be careful not to add to it. You're doing well. Carry on.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Hi LD--I am going to rain on the parade, I am afraid, but you have to STOP or seriously decrease the focus on her.
Many of us are quite lonely and want our partners back, but overfocusing on our partner's faults, problems conditions, etc.. isn't how it works. We have to really look within at what we brought to the situation and how we are sustaininig it at present. It is harder than he**, but there really isn't a short cut... The constant focus on her MLC and mental health will not bring you two together.
Imagine a time in your life when you were unhappy and wanted to avoid something. Would someone's focus on it encourage you to change or keep you entrenched? I've had to learn this the hard way and want to help you avoid the quagmire that many of us have slogged through.
Blessings. karlah
I might suggest talking with a counselor to help with sorting your issues out so you don't engage family and friends. A therapist will bring objectivity and will also help with accountability for your role in the relationship...good luck.
Thanks all of you. Talked to therapists, I fully understand my role in everything which is why my changes were so quick and painful. Self reflection is a difficult thing. Looking at myself through her eyes was very painful. I had become someone that I swore I would never be. I am climbing out of that hole still. i focus on my home, things that make me happy. I do fall back for her. I am a Service Manager by trade and profession. My job is to evaluate a problem and repaitr the situation. I also have to give suggestions about maintaining equipment to get the most out of it. so you see, me not evaluating and scrutinizing and trying to understadn is difficult not to do. It is what i do. 24/7. This is the support I need, when I'm doing it wriong I wanna know. So I will stop talking with family about this. If they bring it up, I will thank them for being concerned offer a little conversation about me and move on.
Okay, so let me know about how I handled the situation tonmight. I came home and she was here,waiting for my son. there was some kind of issue between her and him regarding her cell phone bill. She was very upset. I said if you are goning to be here for a while I'll just do the brakes now. I figured why prolong things, do her damn brakes and look forward to the weekend. I am a procrastinator sometimes and it always drove her ape sh@#. Anyway one of the brake pads was missing so i had to put it off anyway. Told her thursday is the day. I went out side and proceededto get to the projects i had planned. I came in after an hour to check on my dinner. My duaghters were out so it was just me and her. she was sitting inthe kitchen texting someone on her phone. Checked dinner, reset the timer and back outside. After a half hour came in. she was sitting there stewing. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, she said no thank you. I proceeded to take my meal into the living room to eat. Turned on the news. she then prompty called a friend on her phone. apparently she thoght i would sit in the kitchen with her and try to talk to her. Ain't happening. finished eating put my dishes in the dishwasher and, yuou guessed it, back outside. I was out there for about a half hur getting into when she came out. she told me when I saw my sone to have him call her immediately. she was tired of his crap and blah bbalh blah. She left in a huff, no goodbye, no see you thursday, no drop dead you SOB. I finished my project, took the pool done, yard looks huge...
My D called me, she had just talked to her mother. she was mad at her son for the cell phone thing whatever. she also told my D that your father was too busy to even talk with me. He ate int he living room and left me alone int he kitchen. I thought he could have at least sat with me.
My point is this, dark and getting my projects done. She knew I would linger if I saw her upset, I found it better for myself to work on my pool project. It made me happy getting that eye sore out of the way. It was also refreshing to be able to walk away and let her sit alone. I know how that feels. The more i wanted to go inside and talk with her and comfort her, the more I got into the project. 15 minutes after she left. I ws done and went in to unwind. My son came in and I spoke with him about the situation. she left hima scathing letter. He read it and called her. She had overreacted to a bill weith her name on it, but it was beingcharge to my son. Without even thinking, asking or looking into the situation she exploded and went off into the great beyond. hmmmm, sounds familiar. Your words today about me being focused on her actions adn reactions helped me do this tonight. And I gotta tell you, it wasn't as hard or as painful as I thought. I have more projects to do, hope she comes around to keep me outside so I am more inclined to do them. LOL....she'll be back thrusday. I'll do the brakes, and finish the yard. Oh by the way, if you all have read my posts, she apparently took another nap in my bed today while my D did her homework.
I am reading the book and I am at chapter 5 and I am finding it confusing. Will finish it shortly. Since we really aren't communicating my telling her what i want isn't gonna happen any time soon. Do I skip chapter three or leave it tucked for now. Most of what I am reading is what I am doing. the 180 are working for me. i actually am enjoying most of what I'm doing because it is things I used to do and enjoy anyway. God bless you all. Keep me focused. I have laid out my goals for each day this week and next. Things I want to accomplish. these are things I wil do first before anyone else'';s wish.
Your own 180's building your happiness makes you more attractive as well. So...you're on the right track. Keep doing that while you're reading the book.
Focus on yourself, but be observant...not of her, per say, but how your interactions go. Notice the 'cycles'...without blame...as if you were an outsider. THEN...experiment with changing your part in it....and see what happens.
Wishing you all the best, sg
Last edited by sgctxok; 10/08/0802:33 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I have put together a short term plan and would like some advice. It sounds severe to me, but after reading the book and a couple of the stories, mayb it isn't.
I am doing her brakes tomorrow night, should take me an hour total then I have to go to the gym to do some stress relief. Anyway, my plan as of last night when she left is to go dark again. I will stay that way until next Thursday. I want to send her a text stating we should file for divorce. I am seeing some signs as I have indicated in the posts, but it is hard to see which direction they are moving right now. I think if I give it a week, maybe i can see it more clearly. I think my mini bomb a week ago had some kind of effect on her. Is this to drastic at this point in time? Should I try being dark till the end of the month then drop this kind of bomb. would it have more effect? My original plan (last night) was to do it end of the month after I observed things while getting my projects done and being dark for a longer period of time. After her brakes and my talk with her about her car ins bill, I don't have to discuss anything with her. My youngest D birthday is next weekend. I will guarantee you she will be broke. I don't think she will contact me about it or what I am doing for her. I am going to make plans with my daughter to do something for her birthday.
Look forward to your responses. Yard is looking great by the way. My middle D came over for coffee this morning and said it looks different but good withthe pool gone. My son is coming over tonight and the rest will be finished. doing these projects really gets me going. Can't wait to get this project off the list and move on. I have put together my goals with her. Not sure if I di it right. I put what i refer to as the ulitimate goal, then steps to that goal, and baby steps for the steps, and possible signs that things are heading in the right direction. Is this format correct? the list is long......
Really paining here this morning. Everytime I see her I get this way. I am so friggin in love with her. Sorry, just posting this cuz of my frustratin and tha tI am keeping this away from friends and family now. commments from people about conversations she's had over this past weekend and Monday show a positive sign on her side of the fence. My being dark with her last night, ignoring her but without being nasty to work on my projects seemed to be the right thing to do, based on info from this site and the book as far as I have gotten. I know it impacted her. Want to drop the D bomb right now just to see the reaction, but feel scared. Not sure if it is too soon to throw that into the fire yet.
karlah, this stuff is really hard. it seems with time it gets harder, but maybe because i am just starting to let go. I think I need to drop the bomb to force a reation. either way I will get an answer so i know which direction to travel. how was your sitch?
Do not drop a bomb. The reaction you get will not be the one you are hoping for.
You need to try to compartmentalize your feelings.
Instead of trying to cope with this all-consuming pain, try categorizing it and acknowledging the individual aspects of it.
For instance:
The pain assciated with being abandoned by your her - Feel it, mourn it and own it - cry about it. Beat the hell out of something because of it. Then put it back behind the door and leave it alone for a while.
Next - the pain associated with the dreams you had for your golden years which now appear to be out of your reach. Do the same thing.
And so on and so on with each individual aspect of your pain that you recognize, do the same thing.
Keeping a clear head regarding all of the emotions you are going through will help tremendously.
Instead of being overwhelmed as you are now, I bet you will start to at least feel a little bit more in control if you try what I just suggested.
Again, do not drop any bombs unless you want to end up divorced.
About dropping a bomb.... why would you do it? If you are trying to force her hand or get a reaction, don't do it.
My situation is quite different but I do know that ultimatums have not worked. What has worked best for me is what is hardest...getting my own life and detachment. Detachment is hardbut gives space for all parties to realize what is lost and missing and what they've contibuted.
My personal rule of thumb is when I find myself overly focusing on what is wrong with someone else, there is something I am ignoring in my contributions. God has lots of work to do with me and in my heart. He has started but has really made progress when I have been able to detach and let go.
There isn't a quick fix. I've been most successful when I've really changed my patterns of interaction. You've indicated that you've been pretty dramatic in the past... Will dropping "d bomb" be more of the same (with out the alcohol)?
