It's odd. I find I get dizzy chasing answers like a dog going after its tail. Half the questions will never be answered. Most of the answers are based on skewed thoughts on both parts. Couples are able to have the give and take of compromise in telling a tale, making a decision.
What it comes down to is that we are all single. Single parents, single individuals with shredded ragtag memories of why our marriage was so great, so miserable, so unjust, so fulfilling. The levels of personal hurt factored in with the various degrees of distraction, wallowing, moving on, running away, going after it, the insult, rejection, betrayal (on both parts) puts us where we are.
Focusing on the past, past hurts, past blame, past guilt keep us from the present. Accepting my part in the erosion of the marriage.. moves me forward.
It's so odd.. fear is such a powerful enemy. I was afraid to rattle the cage, face things.. or at least felt I was. I became so defensive. I'm not in a place where I can do a bird's eye view of the past 26 years and see where the direction curved, stopped, rerouted. We both failed each other. We both wanted our family. We both loved each other. Fear, anger and resentment became stronger than love.
My nature is to be a calming presence. Maybe it's better to feel it all before shutting down.
And I'm working on staying in the present... right now.
*hugs*
PS.. yep yep yep.. I'm feeling myself withdrawing.. wanting to cancel out on going in the City.. seeing plays I'd enjoy, being with my family.. just wanting to isolate like an old humpy turtle.. eerrrggghhhh
