Sandi is here and things are getting better!

[sandi2]

On The Edge 22, it has been a long time since I've really complained about my stitch in that great of detail....lol. But, it was mostly the frustration tallking b/c this has been going on our entire married life (since I was 18)......him coming in and watching TV and not trying to have a conversation with me. Even our first couple of years as newlyweds when you would think he would have a little more "life" about himself, he acted like an old man, so now that he is getting older.....it's just worse.

You said something that I thought was kind of ironic or "funny" in a way and wondered if that was just the way men thought. I think it is the way my H has always been.

but she never planned anything for us to do on the weekends, so I would just grab the remote and crash in a chair.

You see, I think my H always waited for me to make any plans that we ever did! However, it would have thrilled me so much if he would have had an original thought for us to do something together.....even for one night. I remember one time in 40 years that he did that! It was the best night of our M, as far as I was concerned and we had great sex (or as great as it got for us), so you would think he would learn by that to do it more often....but he didn't. (Made me want to say...."duh!") I was the one that had to keep any "excitement" going in the R. I did all the things I read in books where the wife was suppose to keep the M "alive" by doing certain things, but I could not see where he did anything special. I got fed up with him sitting on his a$$ waiting for me to do something or else he would spend his entire life in front of the TV. At the time, I loved watching TV also, but I wanted a R other than sitting in front of a TV every night, and he thought a R meant having sex.

I did try getting him alone in a special place to talk about my needs and try to encourage him to talk about his. Well, I talked for an hour and when it came his turn, all he said was he wanted more sex. That was always (and I do mean "always", his answer). That was a big let down for me b/c I wanted him to "talk" to me and he wouldn't. I wanted to hear him talk about feelings and emotions and what his dreams for the future was and where he wanted to see us in ten years.....that sort of thing, but he never did. It was the same old routine, night after night, and I guess I begin to do the same as your wife b/c I begin to see him as unattractive and begin to fall out of that "lovin feeling" toward him. Believe me when I say I tried everything I read in books to get some life into him.

As far as the financial part.....that was something that I could not handle....the way he dealt with bills. He never would even look at a budget....much less go by one. His parents were the same way and his father bought the groceries and his older brother bought most of the groceries for the home. The first year or two, he would give me about ten dollars for groceries and of course that didn't last hardly a couple of days b/c we had a baby at the time, and then we would spend the rest of the week eating at his mother's. Well, his family thought it was me that just did not want to cook and they did not realize it was him not giving me money for food. But, at the time, I guess he was doing the best he could b/c he didn't make much per week. Remember that was the late 60's. But, I did not rat him out to his family, and it hurt that they all thought it was me that was lazy and would not cook. I was not doing public work at the time b/c I had just had a baby and was baby sitting other kids to be able to stay home. I made 12 dollars a week! Anyway, his only answer I could ever get out of him for not letting me go to the store and buy the groceries was that I didn't shop for bargins (was his answer) and that wasn't true. But he would drive all over town to save two dollars and I thought that was silly to use it up in gas. What was he saving?? Anyway, most men don't buy groceries like women b/c he would come in with all of one thing instead of an assortment. I just did not know how to cook what he bought. So, over the years it has been a contention between us.

When I started working full time, it got so bad about the bill paying and how he did the "business" end of things, that I finally told him what I would be responsible for and he could handle the rest. I do break down and buy some groceries when I get fed up with how he does b/c that is the only way to have a "balanced" list of things. I finally got him to agree to have me buy the groceries one time and I was so happy and made out a menu for the week and everything, thinking he would be happy with the meals. Well, he was very happy with the meals. But, he only gave me money about two times and then it was back to the same old thing. Anyway, like I said, it has always been a sore place in our M and he is so stubborn about handing over money to me. I feel like a little girl giving an account for every cent that I spent for any groceries. I just don't get it. You would think that he would be glad for me to do it, but I have decided that he is addicted to going to the stores every day. He has to go by the dollar stores or groceries store every single day, if it is to buy nothing more than a one package of something. Amazing! I was taught by my parents when I was just a teenager how to buy two weeks of groceries at a time b/c that is how they were paid. My own father gave me his paycheck and sent me to the store (without a list) to buy groceries when I was seventeen years old! Now, if he trusted my judgement at seventeen, wouldn't my H trust my judgement at the age I am now?? I had a woman here on the bb ask me what did I mean that my H "would not let me by groceries". The way she saw it was that I should just buy them and be done with it. That does seem to be the logical answer, but you would have to understand how our bills are set up separately. I offered to buy groceries if he would just pay one bill that I was paying on.....and he would not agree! That blew my mind. So, I can't do both.

Sorry that I am making a big deal out of this, but I keep it stored up inside of me until I just have to let it out in order to deal with it. I feel so dang guilty about not cooking when he comes in so tired, like last night. Remember, I come from that era when the wife still did all the housework and cooked-- plus held down a job.......and I did that all the time our kids were growing up (except for a couple of years). Most couples where both work, now days, divide the house work or fix supper together, etc......and I wished it was like that now. But we have never been able to share the kitchen....it was either him or me in it at one time b/c he just took over and I would give up.

Anyway, I am not always able to do that stuff now. But, I still feel guilty about it due to the way he acts. He doesn't say anything......I just have to read his actions.

After the thing with the OM...and I told him to leave me along and give me space, etc., I tell myself that I should not expect him to "try" to do work in the M, but I catch myself kind of resenting the fact that he doesn't do anything to try to encourage me about staying with him. I mean, I just wanted him to back off and not smother me the way he was doing at that particular time when he found out about OM, b/c he was doing it with a snide attitude.....it wasn't the real "him" and it felt very wierd. I knew he wasn't doing it from his heart but it was from a spirit that was almost creepy......like something I had never seen from him before. It was kind of "hateful". But that part of the stitch is a long story also, so I won't repeat it.

The thing is, I don't understand why he doesn't try to do something to show me he wants me here, instead of it just being my "place" to stay here. I wonder if he didn't want me to leave him just to "save face" for him. I kind of want to suggest that we try having "talks" about our R, but I don't think he would be into it. We tried a few times after I told him I would stay in the M, but it was me doing the talking (as usual) and him just sitting there like knot on a log. So, I decided if he wasn't going to talk....what was the point. I had been down that road too many times over the years. If only he would talk to me about meaningful things.......that is all I have ever truly wanted in our R. But outside of talking about the weather or something like that......he doesn't have much to say. I told him one time that we could have a wonderful time talking about the Bible b/c we both study it, but he didn't do that. In fact, I was the one that had to lead our children in family devotions, etc. when they were growing up. I was the leader of their spiritual wellfare (in the home matters) instead of him. I was the one that had to discipline them and all the "hard" things as a parent, while he came out smelling like a rose to them. If the folks at church knew that, it would probably shock them. But that is how it was. However, maybe you see why I had so much resentment......and I haven't even begin to touch on the issues over the years. Don't worry, I won't get off into all of that (lol).

Well, I have once again just went on & on. Needed to get it off my chest (again). Suppose I will always let it bug me. I have tried so hard over the years to just accept him the way he is and not expect change. It's just that it would help me so much and add so much more to our R if he just would put forth some effort. Perhaps he thinks he has and I just can't see it. That is why I need a man's perspective about it. My H simply refuses to talk to a Pastor or a counselor! He won't read M books, so I don't know what to do.

It took me a long time (after OM) just to get to the place that I could be willing "to be willing".......if that makes any sense b/c I felt dead and hopeless inside and that is a horrible feeling. I had felt that way for such a long time.

Thanks for listening. I need just to have somebody to do that.

Sandi