I'm running on empty - these past two years have left me drained. I haven't much to give at this point and yet I feel so needy. I long for love and comfort and I'm so lonely. I know I shouldn't look to others for validation and yet I do. I don't have my own internal sense that I am OK.
I'm not really sure why getting the papers was such a setback - I didn't have any expectations that he would start working his way back to me. I guess I just hoped we'd give it more time. Enough time for him to change even though I know his pattern doesn't give me any reason to think he will.
I just don't want this. But, resistance gets me no where, I just need to let go. Let go. Maybe I need to finish going thru the sadness first, but that seems like a bottomless pit. I never seem to get to the end of it. I've cried so hard, and yet never feel any sense of catharsis or release.
Well, this is not a great way to start the day, but maybe if I put it out there, I can move on and do all of the things I need to do. I hate feeling like such a whiny, bawling loser. People can tell me that this is about him, but I am the one with the pain - I know that this hurts him too but I'd guess that his pain is about 10% of mine at this point. Last summer when he wouldn't sleep, I know it was more intense for him, too, but I think he solved his hurt by moving out. It was like removing a thorn - for him after he got the thorn out it was just a matter of healing the irritated area. For me, it's been a raging infection that just won't heal.
And yet, it's time to get ready for work. I haven't missed a day in all of this. I haven't been very productive sometimes, but I show up and do the best I can. I am looking forward to the time when I can feel good and have some energy for life. I hope that I have reached the bottom and can start swimming back toward the light again. I know that I am a strong person, but my resources are nearly used up.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
