for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[Evie]

Seek

How are you doing?

Thinking of you. I packed up a bookcase the other day. Was happy to do it, i just want all of H's things out of the way.

Talk to me, let us know whats happening?

((Seek))

x Evie

[seekpeaceofmind]

In my church (UU), we light candles of joys and concerns and say that by sharing these times with each other our joys are doubled and concerns halved. I think this way sometimes about posting in a place like this. I could journal privately, but putting my experience out into the world, whether anyone reads it or not, is a way of sharing that feels like it takes away some of my pain.

I've been trying really hard to get a grip and take life as it comes. I thought I was doing pretty well - I hadn't really gotten to acceptance yet, but at least resigned to the loss of my marriage. I thought I had let go of hope, even though I am not yet ready for D. I finally worked myself up to develop a separation agreement to address our finances. Called H and made the appointment to talk. He came to my office today. Went over the agreement. He asked - who is going to file. I said that I don't want a divorce and if he does he will have to be the one to file. We talked a bit more about the financial agreement. At some point in the discussion I said that none of this is what I want and I still would like to work things out. He said that he had read my letter and reflected a lot on it but decided that he wasn't going to come back.

Later, when we were discussing the financial agreement, he pulled a divorce complaint out of his pocket to serve on me. I didn't expect that and hadn't prepared myself for it. I started to cry and was teary for the rest of the meeting. I wanted to be strong, but I felt so sad and defeated. I asked if he could give me any explanation that isn't BS. (in those words) He bristled and said he didn't know what I meant. I said like telling me this is about wanting to sit around on the couch in your underwear watching football or some of the other reasons that you've given me. He said he gave me his reasons in counselling, etc. More BS - He just quits. And I don't know why it makes me so unhappy - I just love him and I still want M. My C says that I should just allow my feelings to be what they are and not try to force myself to change . That is so hard to accept when it hurts this much. I know that it will get better but I've been so unhappy for so long and I'm tired.

I'm not as far along as I thought I was. Tonight I hurt as much as I did a year ago. I don't feel very good about myself, including the part where I love someone who doesn't love me back.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm running on empty - these past two years have left me drained. I haven't much to give at this point and yet I feel so needy. I long for love and comfort and I'm so lonely. I know I shouldn't look to others for validation and yet I do. I don't have my own internal sense that I am OK.

I'm not really sure why getting the papers was such a setback - I didn't have any expectations that he would start working his way back to me. I guess I just hoped we'd give it more time. Enough time for him to change even though I know his pattern doesn't give me any reason to think he will.

I just don't want this. But, resistance gets me no where, I just need to let go. Let go. Maybe I need to finish going thru the sadness first, but that seems like a bottomless pit. I never seem to get to the end of it. I've cried so hard, and yet never feel any sense of catharsis or release.

Well, this is not a great way to start the day, but maybe if I put it out there, I can move on and do all of the things I need to do. I hate feeling like such a whiny, bawling loser. People can tell me that this is about him, but I am the one with the pain - I know that this hurts him too but I'd guess that his pain is about 10% of mine at this point. Last summer when he wouldn't sleep, I know it was more intense for him, too, but I think he solved his hurt by moving out. It was like removing a thorn - for him after he got the thorn out it was just a matter of healing the irritated area. For me, it's been a raging infection that just won't heal.

And yet, it's time to get ready for work. I haven't missed a day in all of this. I haven't been very productive sometimes, but I show up and do the best I can. I am looking forward to the time when I can feel good and have some energy for life. I hope that I have reached the bottom and can start swimming back toward the light again. I know that I am a strong person, but my resources are nearly used up.