So basically the gist is that I need to send an email to H telling him when I am coming back from Poland. Separated had some good comments on my last email. I'd love any feedback...I'll be sending it out tonight, hopefully late enough that H isn't online so I can leave him to sit and read it without things being awkward. By the way I went out last night, and will be tonight as well. This trip is good for my self-esteem. I was nothing but appropriate, yet I do like the fact that I was getting some male attention. I am sure H will somehow pick up on this vibe when I get back. That's usually how it works...Here's my draft:
Hi, I checked with corporate housing; I need to leave Wroclaw by Thursday, October 16th. With your test then, probably won’t see you until the wee hours of the morning:).
Thanks for being flexible about trialing living together. I could even stay some nights with a friend to give space, depending on how we are both feeling. (Oh wanted to mention F is cool, reminds me of JL.)
I understand how you’re feeling now, and I know you can make your own decisions. I’d like to enjoy time with you seeing if we can be comfortable as friends and roommates rather than constantly discussing whether the relationship is working etc. I understand that you are working on yourself. I like the person you are becoming, and this brings a new dynamic. Maybe we will see that we can be happy together as the new people that we are, maybe we will not. I don’t know. Time will tell.
I’m happy for us to do our own things, and if you want to share activities with me, I’d love to take your lead. We share pets etc.; this doesn’t mean giving up independence. I am fine with this. I think it’s exciting, a new and probably better way to do things.
You’re not stringing me along; I appreciate your concern for my feelings. I am also concerned for yours. I’m making a very well-informed decision to remain in a situation with no guarantees, like any situation. I understand there are many possibilities for how this could play out, many of them not good. Things could change dramatically for better or for worse at any time. I know that we are both taking risks.
On another note, I’ve been reading a lot about Yom Kippur (thanks for your email on the High Holidays), and on the eve of Yom Kippur, I want to apologize for everything that I have done that has hurt you, and take full responsibility for the situation we are in today. I deeply regret causing you any pain and I sincerely ask for your forgiveness.
I understand the right greeting here is, may you be inscribed and sealed for a great year. (Hope I got that right) Thanks for reading my novel; no response needed.
-ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
In my view it is very emotive still, there are a lot of things that could potentially trigger guilt. You are also listing what you view what you see as options, which may be very different to what he has in mind.
What are the main pieces of information that you want to get across? Maybe start by listing those and then work the email around those. In my view they are not clear from the email. Is it an email letting him know the dates of return or is it a relationship talk?
Personally as he kind of said when you left Dublin that you were crowding him (?) I would keep this briefer and stick to neutral subjects. If you would like me to do an edit I would be happy to, list the main points you want to make.
So I want to send the dates, and I want to stick a Yom Kippur reference in there somewhere, somehow. I thought with the return dates it would be necessary to add something on the trial living together situation or he might think that I wasn't listening to him...OK I've put below a dramatically shortened version. Any thoughts/edits on this one? My concern is that he keeps saying I am not sending dates, and he may see this as me assuming I'm moving back in, with no plan about what happens when I get to the house.
Also at the end I tried to make it light again by saying I was going to town with the people from the conference (I'll send the email before dinner tonight), but not sure if it sounds artificial. Clearly the email still needs work. Thanks for your help!!!
Hi, I checked with corporate housing; I need to leave Wroclaw by Thursday, October 16th. With your test, probably won’t see you until 3 AM or so…:).
On another note, I’ve been reading a lot about Yom Kippur (thanks for your email on the High Holidays), and on the eve of Yom Kippur, I want to apologize for everything that I have done that has hurt you, and I deeply regret causing you pain.
I understand the right greeting for Yom Kippur is, may you be inscribed and sealed for a great year. (Hope I got that right)
I’m off to town now with the X crew. -ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I think it is a lot clearer. Maybe soften the first line a little as it is a bit harsh. You could lead into the email with
Hi,
Hope you are having a good day. Regarding the dates which you asked me about (or something in your own words) I checked with corporate housing and I need to leave Wroclaw by Thursday, October 16th. (then I wouldn't mention seeing him as that may make him think about it and may think you have expectations, I would just say) I know you have your test on that day so I hope it goes really well.
Thank you for your email on the High Holidays. I've been reading a lot about Yom Kippur and thinking about things that I may have done that have hurt you. I wanted to say that, although I know this process is painful for both of us, I deeply regret causing you pain (then don't look for validation that you have got it right, state the correct appropriate saying) and wanted to say may you be inscribed and sealed for a great year.
On a lighter note, I'm just off to town with the X crew. I hope you are enjoying your evening (or something like that as a way to sign off). - ITH
I've taken your advice on board and actually now I think I'll leave out any reference to apologizing as this makes it too heavy. There is a reference to it being the Day of Atonement. I think that's as far as I should go. How about this?
Hi,
Hope your bloodwork went OK today.
I checked with corporate housing, and I need to leave Wroclaw by Thursday, October 16th. 5 minutes ago I was asked to go to Dubai on the 19th for another X conference, not sure whether I feel comfortable going on my own though. I’ll look into it more and decide by tomorrow.
Thanks for your email on the High Holidays. I've been reading a lot about Yom Kippur lately on X(fine X isn’t that bad…). I like the idea of a Day of Atonement. May you be inscribed and sealed for a great year.
Here in Valencia my Yom Kippur eve means a night out with the X crew—just about to head to town. Oh well, all in the name of business :). I hope you have a good night.
-ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I like that better, much clearer and lighter. I don't have anymore to add. See if anyone else has any ideas. Isn't it much easier to edit others emails? That's why I love posting here first!
Just one thing, make sure what you are saying about the Day of Atonement is/ sounds sincere. I have to say I am not an expert on that as I don't know an awful lot about Judaism but that is just one thing I would mention.
Is it hot where you are? It's a gorgeous day here but chilly!
I like the revised version much better. Tried to reply last night but the thread had locked already.
The original was too much 'woman' It is probably how I would have worded it too, but I think the new version is 'male'. Short, to the point, no real inflammatory triggers... I think your H will get the info he needs, hopefully without having reason to get upset.
I hope this two week trial ends up being a positive. It is too bad that he has put a time limit in his head. But at least you have something to work with.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
I will avoid the topic of the time limit with H as much as possible. I think what I will consider doing, is just alternating nights of being there/not being there on my own, without him asking me to. I hope that this will show respect and consideration for his feelings, and will help ease into things. At some point, assuming things go well, I can ask if he's feeling comfortable with me around. I know that if he finds he is happy with me being there, he will drop the 2 week thing, but it needs to come from him somehow. If I actively resist, this is what could get us into trouble. I sincerely believe that he is going to make a positive gesture soon if I keep my cool. Thing about him is that he is usually extremely negative before being more positive. I will be at the house again tomorrow night, but he has class, and is unlikely to want to miss it for the 2nd day in a week. This means I won't see him until late at night, so I guess I'll just be in bed when he gets there. Not too much DBing can be done in bed, but I will do my best!
JCJ, on the day of atonement thing, I changed it to "I think the idea of a day of atonement is pretty cool." This is genuine, and for what its worth I know this has always been his favorite holiday, and even alien H might be thinking about things that he's done. Also I changed the ending, so that I could put the Yom Kippur greeting there where it probably belongs "Have a nice night and may you be inscribed and sealed for a great year..."
Thing about this conference is that there is this guy who I am REALLY attracted to, physically and mentally. We talk and joke around a lot, and he knows about my sitch because I actually sort of cried to him on the phone when H first told me about it; it just happened unintentionally. He is separated (legally) from his W of 10 years or so, and has openly expressed an attraction for me. He is someone I'd never want to date, but I'm still attracted to him if this makes sense. I will be good of course. Nevertheless it's a challenge as if we happen to be alone at any point, he is likely to talk to me about my sitch, and I feel like I shouldn't do that with him at all.
Alright, I need to get ready to go to town, meaning I have to send that email earlier than I wanted to, like in the next 10 minutes or so. Oh well...I have to do it as I said I would give the dates.
Thanks for all of your advice. I will start responding to your threads more tomorrow. I just have been distracted here with the conference.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just thought I'd stop by and say hello. I saw this....
Originally Posted By: istherehope
At some point, assuming things go well, I can ask if he's feeling comfortable with me around.
And wanted to say that IMHO this wouldn't be a good thing to do. I think that asking whether he's comfortable can sometimes be viewed by the LBS as a form of pressure- it makes him feel bad if he has to say no, and reminds him that he is uncomfortable if he has to say it. Even if he is comfortable, it'd be better to just give him the space to say so himself and volunteer the information. JMO though.
Originally Posted By: ITH
This means I won't see him until late at night, so I guess I'll just be in bed when he gets there. Not too much DBing can be done in bed, but I will do my best!
You being in bed and not waiting up for him is DBing in a way- you're showing that you can give him space and don't need to see him every night while you're there.
Hope you're OK otherwise. The company at the conference sounds interesting. Good plan on the being good front!!
