You are right, SD. My head knows the answer...my heart is slow to catch up. That is the running theme in my whole mess and my reactions to it.

So, in what ways was my XM not working for me:


This is really hard. I think I made it work for me. I romanticized it.

I did think I was with someone with values similar to mine. Besides the obvious, I am also very service-minded. I was a Girl Scout leader in college, then again with my daughter. When my son started scouts, I tried to hang back, thinking x would want to be a leader like his own father was for over 25 years. He complained about the program, but refused to step up and do something about it. Finally, reluctantly, he took on asst leader, still complaining. I bit my tongue and let it go.

He did support me while I took a class in grassroots civic leadership. After the baby was born, he would watch her while I was in class, bringing her to me when she needed to nurse. I graduated at the state Capital, sitting in the Senator's seats. My picture (with my 3 month old on my lap) was on the front page of the paper. I joined AmeriCorp soon after, and went to training in VA (he accused me of having an affair while I was away--this when he was re-writing history, just before the truth came out and after the bomb, 8 YEARS after I went to train!).
One of the things he actually faulted me for was my involvement in service - I wasn't taking care of him or the house, took too much time, he wasn't "a priority."

As an artist, my first real inspiration was Michaelangelo's works. I have wanted to go see these in person since I was 17. It was never on the radar as possible in my M. He asserted that he was more interested in seeing our country first.
He did get me a coffee table book at some point (now I can't remember if I picked it out...?)

Since we moved into this house 12 years ago, I have been waiting to have "my" room, a sun room, finished. It was for my studio space. He got as far as skylights, but gutted and left the rest to storage and a general mess. I am getting someone in to finish the work very soon.

I felt like I had to fish for compliments when I went out of my way to look nice. I felt guilty for wishing that I would get some of the "traditional" woman gifts like jewelry and flowers (flowers were delivered on occasion, once at my job, and I was ecstatic!).

(note to self - this reflects my self-esteem, and feeling good when my relationship was validated or "proved" - I don't know if I ever believed my good fortune for having him as my H.)

He didn't read anything but the paper. Although his parents read daily and always have a book open, he hated to see me sitting and reading, especially when he saw "other things I should be doing."

I told him things that I would appreciate, be turned on by, like dancing (Dirty Dancing was a favorite movie of mine, but jokes from my dad and x made it feel stupid). Writing something, like he used to when we were first dating. And even then, it was hard for him. Even find a poem or something already written to share. He said that he already did so much for me; how could I ask for more?

I always liked working together. Any work that was boring or overwhelming to me, seemed easier to do with company. They didn't even have to pitch in, just sit and lend moral support. He thought that was a waste of time - we could be getting twice as much done. Then we'd have time "together." (I guess watching more tv?)

I hate complaining like this....

I find myself wanting to list all the things I DID get from the marriage...not something I need to go into right now. But there were good things...

OK, what else?

Ugh, this is enough for now. I will have to keep thinking. I have been trying to write this for 4 hours, now. Work tomorrow.