Another one bites the dust (2)

[Ready2Change]

Hi BH,

Sorry your friend reacted that way.....

*HUGS*

[No Longer BH]

I have decided that there is no point in holding anger against her. She probably told them thinking she was helping me in some odd way. I dont like that she lied to me and reacted in such an awful way....it was eeriely similar to how my STBXH acted when he got caught having his A. Projecting all his guilt at me and masking it with anger. I get her reaction, just not the degree of the reaction. What is done is done, I cant change it but I can deffinately decide who I let close to me and who I dont.

I have talked with a different friend who has a brutaly honest personality. She has reassured me that I have not asked too much of any of them and that this was her issue. Some people can keep a secret and other's cant. Obiously the weight of the secret was too much for her and she had to let it out. But when she got caught she did not want to face the shame of what she did.

I have learned so much in my journey and holding on to anger or resentment only eats at me. She did what she did, I cant change it. I can, however, decide how I will proceed with my relationship with her from here on out andit will be happy neighbor with her too. Life is too short to have the drama she caused and the betrayal she caused. I dont need to have someone like that close to me in my life. I have already been stabbed in the heart by the one I loved the most, I dont need to keep having others reinact the same hurt with me.

Thank you for your support and kind words. I am really ok, just was very shocked when it happend. Felt like I was in the twilight zone there for a moment (or jounior high school and who wants to be there again???) I know that I have not asked anything of my friends that I would not be willing to give to them in a heart beat. It has only been 5 months since Dday. I believe I am handeling things very well considering all that has happend in that short amount of time. Its good to know now that I have been too much for her so that I can learn to rely on those who are willing to give me support when I truly need it.

And I just want to say Thank God for this board. It has been a life saver on so many occasions. Only people who have expierenced the same pain can understand my journey. Thank you all for being here to help support me....even if it is just to send a hug my way. It really helps.

[Ready2Change]

Great attitude! That must make you feel good to be able to forgive her as well as change your trust boundaries with her....

*HUGS*

[LL44]

Wow. I am so sorry about your friend's reaction. My bet is when she calms down from the shock of hearing you are dealing with cancer, she'll see her behavior as irrational and a gut reaction of fear (and possibly betrayal, as she might see your keeping it a secret a betrayal).

Had to comment on this post cuz WOW. You are in my head.

I have no respect for who he has turned into and feel that I would be wasting my energy if I kept trying to be his friend to get him back.

YES!!! Its hard to have respect for my H as well. Plus, why have I been struggling to be a friend to someone who has betrayed me?

Going dark is letting me finaly heal from the emotional wounds that I recieved throughout this ordeal. It is the final step I needed to just be able to move on and let go. Thoughts of him no longer fill most of my day, but they are still there more than I would like. I am not affraid of the big bad divorce any more, just look at it the financial piece that I need to have to move on.

Yes. I even told H last week I need to see him less, talk to him less. He is respecting this, but like you, I see him reaching out to me more. It still hurts to have him close sometimes, hurts to see him.

The financial part? Yup, terrifying. November will be the very first house payment I make on my own. After that, ramen noodles til the next month.

(((HUGS)))

[No Longer BH]

It amazes me how things look so differently once I have stepped away from the perception of who I thought H was. He has always been a passive/aggresive personality. I did not understand this when I was younger. I naively thought that if people did not like something they would say "Hey, I dont really like that." I can remember after I filed for D I asked him to return a necklace that I have left at the house. He returned the pendant but not the chain. I was like WTF??? P/A acting out again. How hard it must be to constantly live in a world where you are constantly living up to others expectations to give you value. And when you get angry you have to revert to subterfuge.

Why I am bringing this up? Well, silly me left my debit card for our joint account out on my desk on the night he had S. Surprise, surprise, it is now gone. Why? I can easily order a new one(and I did) but I think it is silly that he would do something so adulenscent as this. Like taking the ATM card to our joint account is going to do anything to me. Plus, I know there is anger at me, yet I still have no idea as to what it is about. At this point I really no longer care. If he is holding on to that crap, that is his choice. I have let it all go. He made his choice and I am moving on.

As for the moving on part I am in a bit of a delima. I dont quite know how to proceed. My R2C can give me a differnt point of view, being the dad. My S has been severly D since STBXH left. At first he blamed me for S depression. Then, when he was actually around it more often, he could see it for what it was. Since I have instilled the DIM policy, I have recieved a couple of emails from him wanting to know how S is doing. Part of me feels like - ask him yourself. It is not my responsibilty to help you build a R with your S. It is not my fault he does not feel comfortable opening up to you because he has caught you in several lies. Then the other part of me thinks - well I should tell him because I am the one with S the most. He wants to know so that he can connect. It will help S if I keep STBXH informed.

Here is the thing....STBXH does not do ANYTHING with the information I pass to him. He does not talk to son, he does not try and make it better unless S is so depressed and I call him begging him to talk to S. Where do I draw the line? Where does my role as co-parent end and he has to step up to be a parent on his own?

When he emailed me this last time he alluded that I was intentionally keeping him out because I was angry. That I was using S as a tool. Um, no, I'm not. You are no longer my priority and I have been very busy. Responding to your email is not my no. 1 priority. If you want to know how S is doing, then call him and ask him! His responce - S will not talk to me about how he feels. Again, is this my responsibility to keep telling him everything S feels? I just want STBXH out of my life as much as possible!!!!

Any, and I do mean any, advice is welcome. I want to do what is best for S - screw STBXH.

[karen43]

[quote=brokenhearted]

Any, and I do mean any, advice is welcome. I want to do what is best for S - screw STBXH.

I think that's the key--focusing on what is best for your S.

I do let my H know about what's up with the kids. But usually just factual stuff like D is trying out for a play or going to attend a birthday party or things like that. Not really stuff like how the kids are doing emotionally or anything like that. I figure he can talk to the kids and find out that stuff himself. I do have very low almost zero expectations of H in re: to the kids and everything else. That way I don't get disappointed!!! Karen

[TwinDragon]

BH,

HI, your title caught my eye and I just read your thread.

My EX is very vindictive and childish. She has tried to sabotage me in anyway she can. That's her way of getting back at me. I just don't give her the chance. She has a lot of anger at me and I know it is displaced, sometimes people like her can't blame themselves so they blame others.

Talking about boundaries and breaking them. 21 months after the separation and 4 after the D. I moved out of the house we lived in into a new home. 3 months later, EX got key to MY house from D16 and entered my house. She snooped through everything, did laundry, and took food. When I confronted her, she didn't think there was anything wrong. I told her that she had no rights in MY house and that if she entered MY house when I wasn't home, even if D's were. I would have her arrested. I told her I could if I wanted to, for what she had done already. My point is, boundaries are a good thing.

As for your S's depression. My D16 went through it. She hated her mom for a while and hated me for a while. She was very depressed and sometimes still does get down. It is a normal procession for them, They are trying to figure out their world which has been torn apart. They will find their own path and figure out the truth. It sounds like your S is seeing things in his dad he doesn't like and that is why he is 'clamming up" to his dad. It is not your responsibility to 'fix' that. It is your STBXH's. Support and love your S. Be there for him. That is what he needs the most. A parent he can count on.

TD

[Ready2Change]

Hi BH,

For the child to feel whole, he needs frequent and equal interaction with both parents.

The best you can do is to work toward this. If H isn't working on it, that is HIS issue he will need to deal with.

Did you read this:

http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

Don't be the rescuer.

*HUGS*

[Gypsy]

Hey Ms. Beautiful Hearted!

If your post was written by someone else, what insight would you share with them?

I love how you give to others.

*hugs*

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I am going to post something stupid, but I am just wondering at the moment. You know we all get those little moments of doubt...did I do all I could? Did I give up too soon? Should I be acting like his friend in hopes of "winning" him back? I was not capable of handling the pain of him being with OW while acting like a friend to me, so I went NC to protect myself. Was this the right thing to do?

See, I sometimes wonder that by going dark I am ensuring my D. Most of the time I look at this man who my STBXH has become and know I do not want him. But then, there are times where I see my old H peeking out and I miss him. He WANTS contact with me. He WANTS to be my friend. As long as he is with OW, I dont see any hope for "us". I went NC to just move on, and mostly I am. Again, this is just weak me talking late at night. That little voice of doubt. So you wise Dbers, do we leave them to live their lives while they are involved with OW or do we act like their best friend, even though it hurts hoping they will see what they lost?

Sorry for feeling so down. I am sure tomorrow I will feel my strength again, I just want to make sure that I am walking the right path. That I am not messing things up if there is a possiblitiy. Argg...this is so hard sometimes.