Jayce's thread

[Bagheera]

Jayce,

You revealed an important key right here:

He did the usual blaming me for being bossy as the whole cause of everything.

Whether or not you feel like this is a valid statement: this is true statement regarding how he really feels about you. And you need to take it at face value. If he feels bossed around, critiqued, nagged, and lectured to, he is NOT going to feel accepted, appreciated and loved as a man. And if he doesn't feel loved, then he will not want to be intimate with you -- either emotionally or physically.

I do understand how you feel, and where you are coming from -- I've been there. You're trapped in a vicious cycle of becoming angry, getting upset, and trying to push and shove and FORCE your spouse to be more emotionally/physically intimate with you. And the harder you push, the more stubborn about NOT changing they will beoome. The more you pull on the mule's reins, the harder he will sit down in the mud.

SO STOP PULLING.

I did it the wrong way for over 20 years, and for over 20 years, the mule didn't budge. I realize that it sounds completely irrational, but: the only way to get your spouse to change is to STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THEM.

I've said this before, but the only person you can change in your marriage is YOURSELF. So start there. Start looking for ways to change the way in which you interract with your husband. Start looking for ways to change the way that he feels about you -- for the positive.

It works.

When I first started doing this with my wife (Phase 2 of my own recovery), she was VERY skeptical, and very mistrusting of my intentions. I had a lot of ground to repair with her, and it took MONTHS of work to rebuild our friendship and improve the level of emotional intimacy in our relationship. And even though sex was NOT the primary concern of that recovery phase, once this ball started rolling, there was even a small, but noticeable, improvement in our secual relationship -- a flicker. It was a start.

You got what you asked for from him --> he's been telling you how he feels about you. You just haven't liked the answer, and think he's wrong. He could very well be wrong, but trying to prove that to him, won't improve either your marriage or your sex life. Accept his truth, as a VALID expression of how he currently sees you, and then work to change yourself and change his mind.

-- B.