Sandi is here and things are getting better!

[OnTheEdge22]

Sandi - Again, I'm so sorry to hear about the sitch you're in. It sounds terrible. I have done that sulking/feeling sorry for myself thing in the past. Sometimes it had to do with sex, sometimes it was after an argument (I would sulk/ give the cold shoulder for days), and sometimes it was just that we didn't have much in common or get along that well. My wife complained about me watching TV all the time and I told her that most of the time I did it because I was bored! I think she was out of love or falling out of love with me at the time, but she never planned anything for us to do on the weekends, so I would just grab the remote and crash in a chair. It was terrible now that I think about it. But when I was in the middle of it, like I think you're H is, I didn't even really think I was doing anything wrong. And I didn't really realize I was doing it because I was bored. The ILYBNILWY bomb last fall jolted me out of my coma and over the past year I've been able to see all the stupid things I've done over the years.

I'm not sure how to help your H see that. All I can suggest is try a 180 or something that's not a cheeseless tunnel. Maybe take him out somewhere, someplace you've never been, and try to have an honest talk with him there. Tell him what you want your R to be like, and how you could be, but that you need him to meet you half way. Tell him about the compassion you need and the closeness without that always leading to sex. Maybe come to some type of compromise if he's open to that.

As for the sex, I think men do detach if they are not having sex often enough (and they sulk!). But, if you have great sex with him, all your going to do is get him to want that more often. He'll be very happy for a little while, but it won't get you what you want. I know a friend, and his wife almost blackmails him with sex. She'll promise him some sex, if he'll do something for her (ie...paint the living room). It actually seems to work. All he does is paint the house!!! Maybe he cooks dinner twice a week on days you're not feeling well, and you offer something in return. Who knows...I'm probably getting divorced, so you may not want to listen to me.

As for dinner, I think you need to set expectations with your H. If he's not going to buy food for meals, and easy to fix meals, then he can't expect you to cook dinner. You also might call him during the day if you know its going to be a bad day and just set expectations with him. Tell him you're not feeling good and ask him if he can make dinner that night or pick something up on the way home. It sounds like your financials are split, which is fine, but the fact that he shops and you're expected to cook from the junk food he buys seems silly. Do you guys keep a list posted and do you get to write things on it? Maybe that could help. Not sure...

Anyhow, Sandi, take care. Sorry you're having a tough time, but hang in there like the rest of us and keep checking in.