Yes, guys, it makes total sense. But it makes me want to cry.
B/C I know what will happen if I become the quarterback. If I say, "In or out: do or do not, there is no try" (I actually gave him that Yoda line the other night and he laughed), I know what will happen.
H will say he doesn't think it is that simple. And I will have to tell him I am done. And that sucks.
H will say I am pushing him for too much too fast and can't I be patient b/c he is "trying", he is "working on it"....that he "hopes" he/we can be that way at some undefined point in the future....
He will turn it into my fault even as he says, "No, it isn't your fault, you have the right to ask for those things, I am just not ready/able to be there yet". But it will be b/c I pushed and cannot wait that we will be separated again.
And if we break my S's heart again, tell him we are separated again, I am afraid I will hate my H.
Of course, that does not mean I shouldn't push for what I want.
RE. Counseling--
H did not necessarily seem happier, but he was more active. The IC is the one who told him to break it off with OW entirely, end all contact of any kind. Then he showed me messages from her on his phone asking why he wouldn't talk to her, telling him she was lonely, etc. to prove he did break it off totally.
However the IC also told him he needed to rebuild an emotional connection with me before we were physical with each other again...so he resisted having sex at that point. Although we have had it a few times since.
AND FINALLY....
How would I put this into action? Just call H tonight in Calgary and say, "Time to put up or shut up" (ok in different, nicer, but equally clear terms)? Do I wait for some opportune moment? Do I wait for him to get back from Canada? I am just a little off today, I have a killer headache and I can't seem to think straight...
This is exactly why both partners have to choose to commit. He refuses to fully commit, so you can't fully trust. If you can't trust and he can't commit, then what is going to hold this marriage together?
Sara, that is the classic chicken and egg. It is the same with women needing to feel loved to have sex and men needing sex to feel loved. Someone has to give in and BobbiJo sure seems to be showing trust. Her H has the opportunity to get his sh!t together, but it seems like he is looking for excuses like Woog says.
I dont understand why he rules out AD. No one other than you and he would need to know. Maybe he just needs a bit of education on them so as to remove any percieved bias's he has about them.
I do think tonight would be bad timing and the wrong media (phone). You need to wait until he gets back to insist that he gets back to an IC.
You said it yourself you are not in a good mood today. Wait till he comes back and dont make any moves you are not sure you can live with (emotionally).
If Dan was fully into this your "problems" would have been solved (the majority at least). You have problems, you are carrying the weight, you are already tired, feeling "abused" and are impatient. All natural and understandable. But, what is your goal? Are you looking for reasons to quit or reasons to hold on to this "try"? K
I am not blaming BBJ for not trusting. I am pointing out why he needs to commit. No one could trust him as things stand. This is why the marriage is in crisis. His failure to commit is the weak link that will break the marriage. She cannot do her part while he waffles. I don't know how many years ago they got married. But it is a long time since he said he was committed, and they have built a life and a large family on the belief that he committed, only to reach this crisis point because he is not committed. There is no alternative to commitment. Not for a marriage to survive.
Hi friend! I hope your head is feeling better. I agree that you need to wait for H to get back and talk face to face. Nothing is going to get better if H doesn't get back into IC.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Sara, I understand. It is not so much her lack of trust that is preventing his commitment, but his not making the choice to do what is required to prove to her his commitement. When one does not believe with all their heart in their vows, I dont see how the marriage can survive.
Do you think a good IC can help him to regain his commitment to the marriage?
I think he needs to hear it from a 3rd party who he trusts. They have been telling him at Retrouvaille, but it is not sinking in. I imagine that he does not perceive that there is a crisis because BBJ is so good and constant and loving. But the crisis is there, and it is deep. There is just so far that you can drive a car with one flat tire. This marriage has gone years with at least one tire flat, and the stress is deflating the others. He doesn't see any crises outside himself because he is so wrapped up with his internal demons. If I read BBJ right, the storm clouds are gathering. Yes, I think an advisor of any kind who he respects and trusts could explain to him the need for him to actually participate in his own marriage. That person could be his IC or a Retro volunteer, or a good drinking buddy. The one person who he will never hear it from is BBJ.
What he needs is a male mentor to help guide him. I remember BBJ mention that there is someone named Tom who is a good man - maybe Tom should step up and help guide Dan. There are also organizations of men (ie bettermen.com) groups that surely would help him see the path to being the good and loving husband who will work hard to make his marriage better.
