My Crazy mess, these are the days of my life!

[christarn]

VS~ I am not concerned so much about an A...I just am worried about passing....I am petrified...the final was insanely difficult; I have test anxiety as well, which made it even worse. I did get an A on my presentation....which made me feel good! yeah!

I'm not so worried about my sitch; I have pretty much made my mind up to quit fighting. PLEASE understand I am OK, truly with this decision. To draw out legal battles will just infuriate H even more, and to force him to MC and the cost of it all....I just don't feel the ends are going to justify the means. I have been on my own now for 21 months, I continue to grow, mature, and better my life; he is still where he is the day I left, and he holds so much anger, I am not even sure mandatory MC would even begin to help the anger. I also know there is OW in the pic; going back " home" after all of this, doesn't even make me smile like it did at one time. I think of what all he has done inside that house with multiple OW and I just cringe. It just helps me to realize that going back is probably not a good option for me.

I went out for a bit with some friends last night. It was the first time in 22 months, that H didn't cross my mind, and I didn't feel lonely or out of place. I relaxed and enjoyed myself. I think I am finally coming to terms with the inevitable. And that is ok. God will steer me in the direction I am to go; and for now I am finding peace with this decision.

I think knowing it's all behind me will help take so much of my stress away. I also feel it will help out with my school sitch; I will no longer have to wonder what is H doing, why isn't he calling/texting etc. It will just be done. I can't fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for; as they say "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force them to drink." I can show him all the love, compassion, empathy,and understanding in the world;however, if he continues to hold onto all of his anger and not try, and act the way he is acting, i can do no more.

I truly do feel good about this. Its almost like weight off my shoulders.

thanks for the support & encouragement!!!! So sweet of you It's amazing to me the friendships which are made here!!

Christa

[Very Scared 54]

((Christa))

I have mixed emotions about you decision. One is for your welfare and the other myself. If you are doing what you want to do for the right reasons and you are good with that I am happy for you.

On the other hand who is going to keep me going here. You have been inspirational to me. Please keep check-in with me.

[christarn]

I'm not leaving here anytime soon VS~~~I have tooo many dear friends around this place....it has been my safe harbor for a year and a half now.

I just know the fight will only lead to more anger and further resentment on his part.

VS, I am fine. I have built a good life for myself. Bought a home, have a GREAT job, and am going back to school....my life is good. I know he has done things in what was once our home that I would never be able to forget. I know I have tried, and I grew from this; he is still exactly where he was when I left. I can not change him, he has to want to change. He put multiple things in front of our M, and I know with the anger he has, it will never be the same or better....I have thought about this for a while now...i am just tired. If he were giving some sign the anger may be decreasing, I would be more hopeful, but he is not. He just shows more anger.

VS, I will be here for you...I am not going anywhere, I am going to need everyone around here to support me over the next couple of months....I have a feeling it's going to get ugly!

(((VS))) thanks for checking on me!!

[christarn]

H text messaged me last night. stated he thinks we need to talk. I am not sure what that is all about. he said he was going to get a hold of me 2nite??

I do not think it is because he is wanting to reconcile or anything like that. My guess is he is wanting to avoid as much L expense and court drama as possible...again, just my guess. Seeing the texts from him really makes everything I had figure out jumble around again!! It seems like as soon as one has life "figured out" that curve ball comes in at 90mph!!!

I guess, for now it's actually seeing if he does make another contact as he said he was going to do...it has been 6 weeks since I have heard anything from him...just when I think I am starting to put my life in some what of an order too!

The first court hearing is monday....it's just to get the D on the books.

I am really unsure as to what to do now??!!

oh the roller coaster of journey!!

christa

[Very Scared 54]

((Christa))

Don't over analyze. I do the same thing. You work yourself up emotionally and it turns out most of the time it is not as bad as I thought it would be. You said the other night:

"I went out for a bit with some friends last night. It was the first time in 22 months, that H didn't cross my mind, and I didn't feel lonely or out of place. I relaxed and enjoyed myself. I think I am finally coming to terms with the inevitable. And that is ok. God will steer me in the direction I am to go; and for now I am finding peace with this decision. "

Your strength over the past couple of weeks has been inspirational to me. It has been the light that I have used to find my way down my long dark tunnel. This rollercoaster is just another ride you have gotten on and this ride will end as well. You have the strength to make it through this. GET UP ONE MORE TIME THAN YOU GET KNOCK DOWN.

I hope that this is not what you think it is, but if it is. Stand up straight look him in the eye and Say I am a Better Person and You will not take me down! Stay strong, be brave, STAY THE COURSE, it's not over yet. You still have time. Isn't that what everyone says around here? There is always time to make deference. Don't let H rule over you. Take command of your own self.

You are a winner! Winners don't give up. Real winners work harder, when the question of winning is in doubt.

Hang in there! Keep the faith! We are here for you.

[goldeylox]

I am really unsure as to what to do now??!!

oh the roller coaster of journey!!

christa

Keep doing what works, do a 180 on what does not. I'm praying for you. Thanks for your encouragement with our medical thing. Peace. Goldey

[sandi2]

Hi Christa, just wanted to drop by and let you know I have not forgotten you. I see things have not improved. I sure wish I knew how to help you. Maybe yours will be one of those cases that after the D he will wake up one day and realize what he really wants. I don't know what else to do. I know we did not do what Forrest talked about, but that was something I did not understand and was not familiar with me. I suppose I work a different way.....lol. Anyway, we all want you to be happy and I pray that it will happen sooner than later.

How serious do you think your H is about the OW? I thought maybe that was just a passing thing and he was through with her. Let me know what's going on.

Sandi

[christarn]

thank you all for your love and support

wish i knew what was going on

H stated he was going to text...in typical fashion...that didn't happen!! go figure!

I think he was poking as FG would say....looking for something...and didn't get it. Looking for me to give him some type of information. Who knows!

Sandi, I wish I knew how serious he and OW were...they have went back and forth so many times, I can't keep it straight. This is probably the 5-6th time they have kissed and made up !!!

VS~ I am trying so hard to stay the coarse...my swing is just a little off...keep hitting the dang bunker!!! LOL!!! my par is about oh 40 for this par 3 coarse...at least if not higher
Right now, I am just concerned about school, this is all taking it's toll on my grades...and that is bothering me...tremendously. I know i can not let it...but it just does. I am angry at H for doing this, right when I started back...although in all reality, is there ever a good time for a D???

((((to you all)))))

thanks for your support

christa

[Forrest Gump]

So what was he looking for?

[christarn]

good ? my friend, good ?!!

getting info on my position as to the D, i am guessing or if i would like to settle out of court to save him L fees and court costs

if it is anything other than those two options....i will be SURPRISED!!

FG~ what's your take away?