That's a bit much, the pot calling the kettle black. I think that you have every right to be steamed.
I still stand by my he is hurting comments with a bigger caveat. Regardless of what he is feeling or why, he is acting boorish and is out of line. He may be frustrated and angry and hurt that things aren't working out in the fantasy manner that he expected. All of that may be true and it doesn't change for a minute that he is behaving badly. Far to many people seem to forget that most of the world doesn't absolve you of responsibility based on your state of intoxication or your emotional state or for any reason at all. Your words, your responsibility.
I'm sorry that your husband has disappeared. It doesn't matter that he is paying for the house. It's just as much your house as it is his house. If he wants to move back in, in the absence of any behavior for which you could get a restraining order, I doubt that you can prevent it. At the same time, he can't force you out and if he starts to behave in an intimidating or threatening manner in line with his verbals, you would be smart to get a restraining order and an injunction to keep him from moving back into the house.
I guess what I'm saying is to keep yourself safe and only move if you want to. The other thing to remember, in Colorado at least, your moving doesn't change your rights with respect to property at all. Abandonment is an outdated concept and since CA usually leads the way, you could move for your and the kids safety and peace without risking anything except what you pay to be gone.
I was concerned about moving out and the court seeing that as me leaving the house. I'm not at all worried about him moving back in. He won't move back in unless I'm OUT, I'm quite sure of that. I think the "your words, your responsibility" can apply to myself as well. I get revved up and can lash out. ( I know that totally changes your image of sweet little me ).
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Really, that's my image? OK. I got firm with a couple people here, but only like a mom...because I care. Maybe I'll start prefacing what I say with "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you..." I need to sweeten myself up a bit. With a name like ladybug, you should picture a sweet, little, shy bug.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
H made it clear to me yesterday that he doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to see me or deal with me. He told me again that I better pack my sh!t and get out. He wants me to move THIS WEEKEND. He wants me completely out of his life...
Then, last night me calls and says he's looking for a certain pair of pants and will I look to see if I have them. He's still very angry and very short with me on the phone. I look and tell him the pants are not here. He says, "never mind. I'm coming over to look later." Great. He comes over while I'm in the shower...and guess who decides to get in the shower with me? I'm not kidding you. I didn't even realize he was there until he opens the shower curtain, completely naked, and steps in. So, he stands there in the shower, crosses his arms and says, "You want to talk to me? Go." Well, shoot, a little preparaion would have been nice. So, I tell him that I understand about the house, and about the divorce and what this marriage has come to. I tell him that I never wanted it this way and that I wish we had a way to talk without the anger. I told him that there is a huge wall between us, and I don't see how to take it down. He proceeds to tell me that ALL of this is my fault. We're getting a divorce because of ME. His hurtful words and verbal abuse was because of ME. He asks me why I don't try to work on the relationship, and I told him that I couldn't risk him not changing, and this pain happening all over again. I told him that the pain of this last year has been too much to ever go through again. He says to me...get this..."you've been hurting this past year? I'VE been hurting for the past 8 yrs. YOU OWE ME!"
Yes folks, I owe HIM. He's been verbally abusive for at least the past 5yrs. He's said things to me that I wouldn't say to my enemies. He's told me I'm useless. He's told me I'm a b!tch, a (c word) and more. He told me I'm an irresponsible mother, and that I was a mistake. But, now I owe HIM??
I don't even know now where his heart is. I know that I'm taking care of my kids and myself and that I'm trusing in God for my future.
Talking completely naked to someone really makes you able to lay it all out.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I understand the desire to try and save your marriage.
It seems to me that you are behaving in the classic battered spouse manner. From what little I know from your writings here, you need to take one of two positions. Either you get a restraining order, stay in the house, and get a divorce, or you get a restraining order, get out of the house, and get the divorce.
He is dangerous because he is lacking in control. You need to look out for your own safety and that of the kids. You lose nothing by moving out. You don't lose anything. In my opinion, your husband's behavior needs to come to the attention of his superiors at work.
On July 31, you posted that he showed up in the middle of the night standing in your bedroom and wanting sex. You really need to open your eyes here ladybug. You are the obstacle standing between this violent person with only a modicum of self-control.
Violence is not only physical. The verbal assaults and the intimidation are as much violence as if he was slapping you around.
That's my advice and based on the previous incident and his claim that he's been hurting for 8 years, DBing isn't going to change anything right now.
Well "getting out of his life" is easier said than done. I'm still coming to grips with the loss of what was a very loving husband. Still hoping he'll show up sometime. If nothing else, we have 2 adorable children that we will have to share for the rest of our lives. Isn't that worth something?
On another note, I saw an awesome house on-line, and in my price range! It's only $170,000. In an area where a realtor laughed at me when I wanted a house over there for less than $300,000 about 4 yrs ago!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I hope that you understand I'm not saying to take the kids and run away and of course I understand. All that I'm saying is that knowing my own anger patterns and how they manifest when I had a problem, your husband's behavior seems strikingly familiar and from that perspective, my advice is to get out of the way of the fantasy he has where all of his frustrations are gone. Additionally, set up proper boundaries and enforce them with the legal system if you have to because his behavior seems to me to be skirting the edges of control and of physical violence.
You have to make the decisions, but, I'm saying that from the point of view of someone who used to not have much self-control that he appears potentially dangerous.
I will say that in all likelihood, your husband will return to his senses in time, but, right now to reduce negative emotions may mean you need to not be much a part of his life right now.
I agree, the discussion in the shower was surprise and intimidation. He is playing power games with you that you can only lose. Losing him seems like a good option at this point.
).