Sandi is here and things are getting better!

[sandi2]

Thank you all for being so concerned. My H is a lot better than he used to be b/c I suppose he understands a little more about the subject of Fibromyalgia, but at first I did not feel that he even bothered to learn. Maybe it is his way of sticking his head in the sand.....the way he did when our daughter got diabetes. I had to do everything for her and learn all about the disease, etc. He just would not learn about it, did not want to read a book about it or talk about it. When the doctor daignosed me with Fibromyalgia, and the doc said I would not die from it, then my H acted as though I should be fine. Well, I wasn't fine and the older I get the worse it is. I know there are many, many people worse off than I am, but the thing that hurts so badly is people's attitudes about it. Most treatment of the majority of people--since they do not have a clue at the pain one suffers (b/c "you look fine", as they say), either unconcern, cold, or just down right mean. Depending on who and where. A lot of other problems go along for the ride when you have this chronic problem, but it would take hours to explain it. Anyway, as I have said, my H is better about helping out with some things than he used to be, but he still gets down and moody b/c I don't feel like cooking his supper. I honestly believe it goes back to the fact that his mother always cooked a large meal every night and he sees this as being a good wife/mother. However. I am still holding down a full time job....doesn't that count for something??

The thing about Saturday (and other times) was that he will tell me that he is leaving the house but that he will be back in plenty of time to do the floors for me.....that is what hurts me the worst to do. Well, everytime this has happened.....he doesn't show up until almost time for the people to start arriving. So, that is what happened Saturday. Even though I felt terrible, I went ahead and vacuum the floors and wet mopped the kitchen and that about did me up b/c I had already done some other things and it was just a bad day of pain for me. What I really need for him to do is to show me some compassion. After all, he was the one to take it upon himself to invite everyone over here without even asking me about it! That is what blows my mind.

Perhaps it goes back to the no-sex thing and maybe you men can help me out here by telling me if that has something to do with it. It is like when he could not perform sex any longer, he just stop ever coming to my room or showing any affection at all. In other words, if he couldn't go all the way....why bother. So, does that mean he can't show compassion either? He shows plenty to our daughter! She has even said something to my mother about how much difference her dad makes in me and her. Now that is something...huh? I don't mean to paint him out to be a bad guy b/c he is basically a good person, but he hurts me and those resentments that I have had to deal with for 40 years are still trying to haunt me. When things like this past weekend happen....it drags things up again. It would have helped so much if he would have just came to me and held me or said he was sorry that I miss every birthday or special event that comes along. Yes! That would help me to get a better grip and strive harder. I don't know why, but since he doesn't, I just feel beaten down all the time. I wasn't even trying to hold back the tears after everyone left and he still didn't say anything.....he just got on the computer. Usually I do my crying in private, but I didn't care if he did hear me that night, b/c I was hurting physically and emotionally.

So, how about it men? Does it have anything to do with sex? I know there are other couples that can't have sex that are close and have a good relationship, so I find that hard to believe it would be that, but then, he has blamed everything else in our M on the lack of sex.....so why not that too?

Sorry for the whinning. Just don't understand him and guess I never will. I would think that it was b/c I told him to back off from smothering me (the one and only time in our M that he did) when trouble with OM hit the fan......but you see....he never chnaged anything toward me even at that time where my health issues were concerned. The OM showed a lot more interest and concern about my health than my H. Perhpas OM wasn't sincere, but it made me feel better, anyway.

So, it hurts very much and even though I try not to let it show, I know that I am doing what I have always done.....I am pushing that resentment down inside b/c he won't change and he won't talk to me to tell me why he does what he does......or more of why he doesn't do what he doesn't do.

Anyway, I am all ears if any of you have a suggestion. I won't tell you that I haven't already tried what you may suggest, but I am willing to listen.

On the way to the doctor today, I had a long talk to the Lord about you all. I also prayed that I could be more loving toward my H b/c I know that I don't have any sexual desire for him. I really think it is b/c of so many years of neglect and when you feel that you are doing about all you can to just be friends and stay in a M, then it is hard for me to get the momentum like when I was younger. Remember, I did not stay b/c I really "wanted" to stay, I did it b/c I felt it was what was "right". So, it has been a long hard stuggle for me.

But, thanks for listening and for caring. I appreciate more than you realize. I just never wanted us to become this couple that I find we have become. That was the last thing I wanted to be. But as you all know, when one is acting unlovable.....it is hard to pretend all is well. He probably thinks I am unlovable and I think he is behaving unlovable.....so we have a problem! I suppose if I could break down and fall all over him with passionate kisses and sexual desire that it might improve his mood for a day or two.......but, there were a few times I tried that in past years and it did not change him nor cause him to give me the emotional needs I had. We have never been on the same wave link. Our timing is the worst I have ever seen in any couple. And, we are pretty good folk, so it is sad.....very, very sad. Oh, it is a long, long story, and I won't bore you that know part of it by going over it again, but that is why I hope you all will be able to accomplish what you can now b/c it is way harder when you get older! Do continue to pray for my MR and for his and my health. I appreciate it.

Sandi