You know, when you write about your kids, it makes me realize that I'm mostly concerned for the kids in all our situations.
I admire your 17 year old's wisdom.
I sense your 13 year old is getting there.
It was fine for you to tell your 13 year old what your W was doing was wrong. You might even add that's why you asked her to leave, because she was cheating on you. Your daughter probably already knows it.
Now back to you. You need to be OK for those girls. Not only to be a provider, but to be the emotional and spiritual strength they need. Your wife has thrown them some serious curve balls and they need you.
The hard part for all of us is letting go of the notion we can stop our spouses from throwing the curve balls.
As you approach your birthday, I'll celebrate you.
Very powerful posts frank. You sound good. A bit too logical but that is okay. Go back and reread Dr Gray about ensuring the emotions get to run also. You are hurt and it is okay to feel that. And anger, and sadness, and fear, and ...
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She's not lonely or hurting or anything. She's got the life she's been wanting, except for the financial stability. A 'nice guy' who she has things in common with, and none of Frank's problems.
You know, I feel the same way - that they are so happy now. But I know better and you do to. The 'happiness' thing is only an assumption on our part. Her life is not a bed of roses and guilt is a powerful thing.
I do feel for her but this is all her choice. Nothing excuses breaking up a family the way she is doing it (not that there is a good way, but there are less painful ways).
Frank's problems? She is hooked up to a loser. Remember the last time and the guy dumped her? I am making book it happens again. But even if he does not he is a loser - hooking up with a married woman.
And forget the age thing. She will never be happy with someone her own age or younger. She needs that father figure after all. So did mine.
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just wants to live the 'simple' life and not have to deal with the kinds of issues that came into our life. They were huge ...
Interesting I actually got the 'simple life' speech when we decided to separate. Some people never grow up. It is okay to dream a better life but they also need to see the harsh realities around us. And do something about them rather than run away.
They know nothing but cut and run.
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...but I was an over emotional over achiever who crashed and burned and stayed there way too long.
This is so very true! And when you start going out with ladies that appreciate you, you will start to forget that you ever were hurting.
Sadly, this is true frank. Well...sad for the old M, which, for both of us, is dead. A woman at my hospital is showing interest in me. She is divorced with one child. For the first time....I openly told someone that I was in a difficult divorce. The wife of my D5's soccer coach started a convo with me last weekend. She recently lost her mom to cancer. I was able to get her to open up and talk about it. Sometimes, this is where being a physician helps. We talked about her father, who is now alone. Perhaps, my confiding in her was no surprise...I sit alone at my daughter's soccer games on Saturday's.
Last weekend, she walked up to me and stuffed an envelope in my sweatshirt pocket...the number of a divorced woman...friend of hers. Although I am not really ready for this...I accepted it. There will be life for you again.
Originally Posted By: theoden
It was fine for you to tell your 13 year old what your W was doing was wrong. You might even add that's why you asked her to leave, because she was cheating on you.
Theoden, I know that you've helped me in the past...we even talked once. But...I do have to disagree again. This is not right, IMO, and even goes against all counseling recommendations for children of divorcing parents.
Frank...I don't recommend that you say such things and, I know, as a man, you wouldn't do that. I will repeat what others have told me...children are a lot brighter than you think and the truth will out. Frank...stay to the high road. The kids don't have to hear it or see it in print. Saying things are such as 'mom needs to decide what is best in her life' are MUCH better than saying 'mommy is a cheater'.
Think.
Finally, frank, I, also, admire you for making that phone call to your stepmother. That was simply plain courage, strength and honor.
As for your W, all things being equal and, jokingly saying the PDF says, almost all regret this 2-3 years down the line. Those are rear-view mirror comments...pieces of information that you find out long after you've moved on. Don't wait for that to happen. My dad used to give me one of those corny WWII lines when I was growing up:
Originally Posted By: dad
Don't wait for your ship to come in. Row out and meet it.
Stay strong. BIF
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I agree with FIB, you have to really try to not say anything negative about your wayward wife around the kids. The kids will come to their own conclusions over time.
Here is an excellent article about divorced parenting mistakes:
I had a difficult question posed to me last week by my much younger kids - "Daddy, why dont you want to meet and be friends with Ed (OM)?". The only quick answer I could come up with was that they would understand when they got older. My inner thoughts wanted to say "because he is a dishonorable wife stealing scumbag!"
I'm at acceptance. Since around March W has been deliberately trying to detach from me. I remember when she yelled that at me "I HAVE to detach from you!" like it was a goal she was afraid she couldn't get to. I suspect she had her "life coach" telling her she needed to so she could 'grow'.
We all know the weird behaviors she went through the next several months 'detaching'. It wasn't until she was 'house sitting' and she met OM who came to the house looking for her friend 'to talk'.
So now she's 'detached' and moving on. Because she has someone to fill that empty place inside her. Who knows, maybe they can start up a codependent relationship like we eventually had. All her friends are rooting for her because, my gosh, she is happy now.
As for me, you're all right. I'm 'dad' and I'm all my kids have that represents any kind of stability. I'll give them a better life after divorce than my Dad did for me. Because I know how that feels.
I know the textbook answer is not to get the kids in the middle and don't villanize your spouse in a D.
I have never mentioned my wife's affair with my ex-best friend to my kids. When my son asked me why we don't see OM, I just said we are busy and had a parting of ways.
If my wife left me for another man, I would tell them this is called adultery and it's wrong. They know it's wrong, they've had a strong community of faith around them for a long time.
If I were to D my wife, the only religious ground I have (which I take seriously) is adultery. If I chose that option, I would tell my children why I was divorcing her. Divorce is a public act with grave consequences. To tell the kids, "mommy and daddy just can't live together anymore" is vaguely truthful, but cruel. It gives them the impression that the world is random and chaotic. They live in moral universe and need to know it's rules. I would tell them that their mommy loves them and they should love her. It's OK to love people even if they do wrong things.
I don't think Frank needs to reveal much to them, anyway -- they know.
had a difficult question posed to me last week by my much younger kids - "Daddy, why dont you want to meet and be friends with Ed (OM)?". The only quick answer I could come up with was that they would understand when they got older. My inner thoughts wanted to say "because he is a dishonorable wife stealing scumbag!"
Wow...that's tough bro.
Truth is, he is dishonorable. He's a wife-stealer, and a home-wrecker. He's hurting your kids, and mocking your honor. In another age, Frank, FIB and I would have ridden into town with you and thrashed the bastard. In this age we are supposed to mouth, "I'm OK, you OK, it's all OK".
I would be honored if you asked me to join you in your posse to string up the scumbag.
Since when is it OK to white-wash the truth? Are your children supposed to embrace this villain? Are you supposed to encourage them to accept as a surrogate father a contemptible piece of sh*t?
I know, by saying this about him, you are implicitly saying the same thing about your wife and their mother.
How about them learning to care for this man, in spite of the fact that what he's doing is wrong? Much like they can love their mom even though what she's doing is wrong. Yet -- this is key -- they understand that it's wrong. Are we not mature enough to admit to our children that adults do wrong things? Is the moral universe suspended because a spouse has an affair?
It feels to me that straying spouses and their lovers are emotional terrorists who stap bombs to themselves and hide behind the kids.
Theoden...I admire your strength on this. What really bothers me, still, is ..well...the acceptance in a sense, by society, of infidelity as a 'well it's going on everywhere with everyone'. I still ask myself many questions: -is marriage a dated institution? -are their REAL physiologically changes that occur that DO make monogamy difficult?
Dunno.
I still think that kids should be spared 'sordid details'. Yes...they need to know the truth. Agreed that you can only sugar-coat it so much. But, well...for me....someday..either over a beer of a long walk with my son....I will talk with him if he wants to know my side of the story...my daughter as well. Sometimes, I wonder if I should go back and print up all my posts...and keep it......or not.......
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
It feels to me that straying spouses and their lovers are emotional terrorists who stap bombs to themselves and hide behind the kids.
Instead of doing the old fashioned string em up posse style, I would like to do a little water boarding followed by sending them to Cuba to learn the Cha Cha.
