I'm doing better today, but I'm still saddened by my XW's ability to simply throw our relationship away like it was a piece of trash. She's w/ a new boyfriend now (not the Snake - we all knew he'd never last) and they're doing their couples things. Our marriage to her was disposable and she has no regrets about it being over.
I even got this response from her today in regards to an e-mail I sent asking if we could work something out and not have to split up the dogs. She closed w/ this statement:
Quote:
...I don't like the idea of separating them either, but I also didn't want to get a divorce and I didn't have a choice about that. The boys will adjust. Grace has. I have.
Didn't have a choice? It is so unfortunate and sad at where she's at w/ all of this. Her denial runs so incredibly deep it is almost criminal.
I'm concerned about the choices she's making and their long-term effects on Grace. I want the best for XW, but as long as she refuses to accept any blame and as long as she continues to look for people to "complete her" when she first needs to complete herself, she'll always be a wreck.
So, it is still very sad, but I am better today. I talk w/ Jody tomorrow and she'll let me know how to handle things from here as well as whether or not to even respond to today's e-mails.
Talk to you all soon and will catch up shortly...I promise.
For now. There may come a time when you could care less if she gets the best or worst as long as it doesn't affect your daughter. Someday you'll look back on all this and wonder what the heck you were thinking wanting your STBXW back.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Rob, I so sorry for you, you really did not deserve this sadness. But think about it, she is willing to separate the dogs just for spite. She seems totally incapable of caring for anything other than herself. She didn't want to put any effort into saving her marriage no matter how many times you gave her the chance. She put all her efforts into pleasing herself with other men. She is acting like a spoiled child. Perhaps you should just not deal with her for some time and just do what the papers say .She is really awful to split up the dogs, it will be so hard on them. I think she just enjoys hurting you.
Yes, you are right and I do think in time my feelings will change drastically. Also, bizarre, you are right as she is only concerned w/ herself and getting mad at me. She is selfish and in complete denial about her choices.
Tonight she called me just about 45 minutes ago and said "What did you tell D?" I asked about what and she said "D told me you told her a judge decided where she'll live and now D says it is my fault."
Well, I corrected her and told her that b/c D was asking me repeatedly about why she didn't get more time w/ me I consulted w/ several experts and some children's therapists and they told me to tell her the truth. So I did. What I told D was this "when people get unmarried and they have children a judge has to decide where the children should spend most of their time. So a judge says you should live mostly w/ Mommy and visit Daddy. Eventhough we're not living together all the time, Daddy will always love you and be there for you."
So, that is what I said and there is nothing wrong w/ that. ZERO! XW kept badgering me and I asked her calmly, please note, "Why would I want to drive you and D apart?" XW's answer: "You seem to have a hard time not doing it and you've clearly done it before." I told her I hadn't badmouthed her to D and she corrected me and said "you've done it in front of witnesses."
She is right and I admitted it, by saying "Yes, you are right. I did say to your mother you were having an affair b/c you were." With that, she hung up the phone.
I sent her a text asking if we could finish the discussion as trust is a critical issue to solve b/t us. I did take responsibility for getting defensive, but DID NOT APOLOGIZE for doing it! That is a first for me.
She wrote back and said "not tonight. We have homework and a bath." I thanked her for responding and said I do hope we can talk later. I also stated I am telling the truth and I have been all along. I reminded her I've offered to take a polygraph in the past to prove it and will now as I've got nothing to hide.
I probably didn't need to add this last part, but honestly I'd love to do it just to prove to her and the world that I'm not lying so she can get off my rear about it. I know it won't help and in hindsight probably was unneeded, but rest assured that I won't be offering it again as I've now got documentation of offering two times. If she requests it, I'll do it, but I won't badger her to make me do it. My honesty is clearly shown w/ my wilingness to take the test. She never answered our call to do the same during the D process.
So, that's where I am. Now I'm off to watch the debate (thank God for Tivo) and then back here to write a test and finish a power point for tomorrow. Big Fun!
She is right and I admitted it, by saying "Yes, you are right. I did say to your mother you were having an affair b/c you were." With that, she hung up the phone.
The truth is a beotch, isn't it? You didn't need to follow up with the texts--she doesn't need to like you, but rather respect you. You told Grace the truth, and don't have to apologize for it. She can deal with the grief she has caused Grace.
Don't apologize for being testy. You are right. I guess I'm still stuck in the mode of trying to make things go smoothly b/t XW and myself. The problem is there is nothing I can do that will make her less angry w/ me.
I would like to finish the conversation and I guess, instead of getting snippy like I did today, I need to learn how to calmly tell her to either stop criticizing me or we need to end this conversation. I'm not sure how to handle it, but I do know I'm growing as I didn't apologize to XW and I'm completly correct w/ what I told Grace as well as how it was said to her.
I have ZERO guilt and shame about any of it. I'm just being hard on myself b/c I want to be better than that. I don't want to have her be able to get under my skin. I know it is a process that involves a life style change and I'm just barely starting the journey.
I'm looking forward to talking w/ Jody tomorrow even though she'll be a bit mad at me for lashing out w/ my comment about XW's affair. However, the great thing is she'll tell me how to deal w/ XW from now on -- that is what I really want to learn so I can continue to work on freeing myself completely.
The problem is there is nothing I can do that will make her less angry w/ me. RTL
Exactly! Her anger is her problem...so stop accomodating it. She is like the tough kid in class (I work in a public school, remember)--you set your boundaries based on what you know to be right and wrong. She can deal with how she feels about them.
When I was in contact with my XW, I regularly used the disconnect button on my phone when she would get out of line.
Always be honest with Grace. She will respect you for that.
Rob, She is now your XW, so her opinion of what you say to D is really of no interest to you. Remember, she refused joint custody and lied to prevent that happening. She sounds totally passive aggressive. The divorce was not her choice, right, because she wanted you to do something but would not say what it was, just said it wasn't what you were doing. Plueeeze! Allow her to realize, D may be upset at her because of Her actions not yours. Allow her to own her own behavior. Stop trying to make it ok,it isn't.Just remember, if she really did not want to get a divorce, the last thing she would have been doing was trying to become a "couple" with other men. Try to not enable her, it isn't good for your D. Hope you are feeling stronger.
