After further consultation with a lawyer and some time spent looking at what things actually mean versus the common usage. I've seen some changes in my thinking.
First, I would never try and deprive the kids of time with their mother. My father disappeared out of my life when I was 6 and I know that a lot of the crap I only grew past in the last 6 months had their root in his abandonment.
Secondly, a lot of the advice I've been given has come from people who have not divorced with kids in this century or have never divorced.
What does all that mean? I've had lots of people say that I should seek out full custody of the kids and no maintenance for the W. But, what do the CO statutes say?
Custody used to be more like ownership. Now, it's who gets the final say on major issues because the presumption is that on the day to day issues of what to wear, what to eat, who to play with etc., the presumption is that the parent who is responsible for them at that moment is the one who will make that decision. Custody is merely who will decide things like where the kids go to school, what religious traditions they are brought up with or whether to have elective medical procedures and so on. So, to that degree, I believe that my W and I are substantially agreed on major issues.
As far as maintenance goes, the CO statutes say that behavior during the marriage is not going to be considered in whether maintenance is granted or when deciding how much. Additionally, as I spoke with the lawyer, he said that behavior outside the purview of the children won't factor into any custody decision unless that behavior indicates that they are an unfit parent. As morally repugnant as her serial affairs are and as irresponsible as her smoking and drinking are, she does none of that in front of the kids and it doesn't in any way rise to the level in a legal sense that would cause her to be viewed as an unfit parent. Which is to say that her bad behavior isn't going to arise in a legal sense.
Spousal support or maintenance is completely open. It can be a continuing payment or a lump sum. It can range from nothing on up. It can be until death or remarriage or for a set period of time. Child support however is based on a formula and must be within 10% of the formulaic answer else the judicial system wants a good explanation of why the deviance.
So, then all this says that regardless of her bad behavior, if we were willing the spend like crazy and end up in front of a judge, the judge is not going to bar her from contact with the kids and frankly isn't going to bar her from overnights with the kids.
We have no significant assets or debts and as for our possessions, most of the stuff we have are antiques from her Mother that I want her to have and to pass to the kids.
All this means that since it only costs a couple of hundred dollars to file the paperwork, I plan to confront my W on Thursday with the divorce form signed and ready for her signature. I'm done with her. I'm sad for what she is throwing away, but, the kids and I can't continue to live in this limbo.
I saw on another thread, that as their D neared it's conclusion, his W had a change of heart. I'm not unwilling to consider a reconciliation. She will have to ask me to dismiss the divorce and she will need to prove her fidelity and trust over time in order for me to permanently withdraw from that option. I've been faithful here and working hard on this. When the headman's axe is about to fall it's easy to have a change of heart. That change isn't likely to last.
