God give me the patience and the strength...7

[MidwesternGirl]

You have got to let him be and allow him to go thru this. If you don't, this will be prolonged and to him, the grass will always look greener on the other side.

[theotherhalf]

the grass will always look greener on the other side.

Of course! Why wouldn't it? This life we have been living is hell for all of us.

For today I "BELIEVE" you. For today, I know in my heart I have no other choice. Now if I can just stick to it and finally move forward with my life. No matter what happens.

Thank you,
TOH

[a new 2moro]

I CAN'T make him see, no matter how hard I try.

NO you cant....i went thru the same thing....they have MLC blinders on, there is absolutely nothing you can do besides detach and work on you. trying to talk rationally to an alien is like bashing your head against a wall. many many ...too many to count have all given you the same advice..but you come up with a reason to do it your way and it ALWAYS backfires.

[Andabelle]

TOH honey,

It IS what it is, but that doesn't necessarily mean "it" will be this way forever-- only time will tell. He's not cooked yet. You have to leave him be. You can't "make" him do anything.

I know how hard it is-- I too have difficulty letting go (which is NOT the same as giving up). But let me tell ya, every time I push my H, it invariably bites me in the arse. Never fails.

You can't keep doing the same thing over and over, and honestly expect a different result.

You really do have to move on without him, because the reality is he may not come back, although you can still leave the door open.

You are still way too focused on him. You need to make it all about you and your girls now and GAL like your life depends on it, because it does.

[theotherhalf]

Last night was homecoming. Got home from work late. H called to see what time we had to go to stuff. I told him we didn't as D17 didn't get picked. "oh, okay". I thought he'd want to see the girls dressed all up for the night but obviously not. Didn't mention it to him either. Don't really know what he did. Didn't matter. (for once). I spent the evening alone, at home, watching TV and dozing on the couch. Did shed a few tears but not too bad.

H came early this morning. I was cleaning house. Did not really expect to see him much this weekend at all. He asked if I wanted to go with him to get the grain truck. "or if you got something else going on it can wait". I told him no, I'd go. I really didn't have anything to do anyway. We went and did that then went to bring combine and head home. That pretty much took the day. H was in a pretty good mood. He is so much like his old self anymore it is so hard to keep detached from him. But I am. In a way I think that I seem to have a attitude with him. I think its my gaurd being up. Can't help it. I am civil but am not laying down anymore. He gives me [censored], I give it right back.

Later in the day we had H's great nieces b-day party. We were both there but both kept our distance from the other. So unlike the way we are here or at his place. It's so weird. It's like we play the part in public so well. But alone, it's different...

Tonight H's nephew fought in town. (like NFC). I have not seen him fight yet. Wanted to go but H had laid the guilt trip on me last week. He said he was not going because couldn't afford it. I thought about it all day. Everyone asked if I was going. Except H. Last minute. I decided you know what. He goes out does what ever. He drinks pretty regularly, that is not cheap. What do I do? If I stay home, I'll be miserable. So I went. H went too. Nephew gave him a ticket. I bought mine. We sat together with the rest of the family. Had a good time. We spoke but again we put on the show. Nephew won and I was so glad I went.

Afterwards I just up and left. Said nothing to H. I wanted to so badly go up to BIL's as that's where most were going and H probably went there too. But nope. I turned my car for home. I did send H a TM saying..."I'm glad I went. What a kid!!". He did not return one. That's okay. I only sent it to share with him how proud I was of Nephew. And I had noticed after the fight that H had tears in his eyes. (H used to be a boxer so this kid is after his heart).

And so... I DB my ars off today. For H? Well maybe a little. But mostly for me. I have to. I have to accept this damb choice he's made. And for today, I'm okay...

[theotherhalf]

Our N (adopted D)'s sister's boyfriend (live together) was killed Saturday night in a car accident. He was 22 years old.

Life is too damb short to be living this way...

I told H this Sunday...he agrees but doesn't want to change a thing...not coming home...likes it the way it is...if I want to change it, change it...made a comment about me helping on the farm "if you want part of that farm, you best be helping". I just stared at him and said nothing...he's hard, he's cold, he really doesn't care what this is doing to me or the kids, it works for him, that's all that matters...

and yet, after all that said, he comes Sunday afternoon to change D17's tire on her car. He goes to leave, I said "aren't you going to stay and eat?" He says "ah? Yea, guess I will" he goes to check cows first. D17 and I didn't wait for him. We ate then I put a movie in and laid on the couch. H came back. Made his plate and came and watch the movie with me.

I had put in "wild hogs". Not knowing it was about 4 guys going through their MLC and deciding to go on a road trip. So was kind of uncomfortable at first. But it was funny and we both laughed and laughed. H stayed and napped on the couch. Stayed till it was time for him to go to work. Then back in the morning after work. He seemed so down. Don't know if he was just tired or what. He finally asked if he could stay here and nap. Wanted to work on the combine in the afternoon. Told him it was fine as long as he didn't clean out the house while I was gone. He just gave me a look like "yea, right". The girls said he was still here when they got home. But of course he was gone before I did.

So is it possible that my H of 22 years has lost all "love" for me? That he can honestly be "done" with me and be able to eat supper with us and hang out with us and is okay with it. That he is so over me that it doesn't bother him to spend time with me?

So I'm telling myself to leave him alone. To let him have what he's asking for. AGAIN! (it's going to take time, sorry). And then I'm thinking....so what is that going to change...he keeps on doing what he's doing, what works for HIM. And I stop bugging him, I leave him alone. I releave all pressure. I make it easier on HIM. I just ease on out of his life without asking a thing...I just fade into the past. As time goes on I just go away. Then it will be easier to call that L. To file those papers.

Honest questions dear people. I really don't get this...

Or do I just go file for the D and get this sh*t over with. What's the point anymore...

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH:

I know I sound like a broken record but your life's too short comment was pressure on him and he knew exactly what you were talking about.

You asking if he is going to come in and eat is more pressure. Instead of asking if he is going to come in, maybe at times ask him if he would like to come in...........

Lay off the pressure and the way you use your words.

[Bworl]

You're riding out a storm TOH. You do realize that, right?

MWG is one of your better guides here, because I see you being in much the same situation that she is in. She's just further along in knowing how best to deal with it.

I don't see you being ready to throw in the towel. I DO see you just now beginning to get a bit weary of the battle. When we get weary, that's a sign we need some rest, not a sign that we're ready to quit.

You have long ago decided that you were standing for your marriage until your husband came to his senses. If that is your stance, then walk the talk. Your husband is doing nothing different from any of the myriad walk away spouses on this board. Even his lines are not unique.

Can he be so cold that he has lost his love for you? Come on TOH, that's a beginners question that you should already know the answer to. He THINKS he has lost his love for you. He honestly does think that. The truth is that he's just LOST. He doesn't have any idea what the problem is, he just knows there's a problem. He's figured awhile back that the marriage must be a big part of it, so it's been the scapegoat.

You are doing very much what MWG does. You are providing him with a safe place to land. You are allowing him access to his home. You are reminding him of what YOU bring to the table through meals, help, companionship. Your goal should be for him to see the good side of life with TOH. You should be keeping pressure low and your welcoming nature strong.

In for a penny, in for a pound I say. While I could not do what you are doing, I can appreciate that you are doing it. And I say if you're taking that approach, do it right. Stop the fussing and pressure. Welcome him. Being loving towards him. You don't have to put up with poor behavior, but that's as simple as asking him to leave and give you a break. You can be kind but firm, and still manage to establish some boundaries that keep you from experiencing any more pain than you have to.

Your husband is still a work in progress.


Blessings,

Bill

[MidwesternGirl]

The thing is I don't do nearly half of what I used to do such as cook for him. If I have cooked and the food is there, okay, fine, whatever but I do not go out of my way. And he rarely eats anymore.

On the other hand, my h admits he is messed up, knows what he ultimately wants but is paralyzed to do anything about it at this particular point in time.

Also, I think it is important that you give him his space while at your place, TOH, so he does not feel smothered.

I think you both have a long way to go and he has to get to the point where he trusts you, is able to talk to you without you going off on him before he feels comfortable with anything else.

[WCW]

Ok, so my advice sucks but here it is anyway -
toh is doing a 180 by finally helping on the farm
her H notices and even compliments her about it
he asks for her help now
he just made a comment that she better be helping if she wants the farm

The trick is to help while not smothering him. That's like walking a balance beam. Just try to be there when he asks and make yourself scarce the rest of the time.

About the food and cooking - the way it's worded is huge. Don't ask if he is coming in to eat. Just say something like - food will be ready at 6pm if you'd like something.

So sorry to hear about the young man that died. It does make you think about how short life is and what to do about living the rest of it.

toh, it is up to you to decide when you've had enough. Have you made your list of pros and cons?

Anything new on your court action?

How's the fall harvest yield?