God give me the patience and the strength...7

[theotherhalf]

Our N (adopted D)'s sister's boyfriend (live together) was killed Saturday night in a car accident. He was 22 years old.

Life is too damb short to be living this way...

I told H this Sunday...he agrees but doesn't want to change a thing...not coming home...likes it the way it is...if I want to change it, change it...made a comment about me helping on the farm "if you want part of that farm, you best be helping". I just stared at him and said nothing...he's hard, he's cold, he really doesn't care what this is doing to me or the kids, it works for him, that's all that matters...

and yet, after all that said, he comes Sunday afternoon to change D17's tire on her car. He goes to leave, I said "aren't you going to stay and eat?" He says "ah? Yea, guess I will" he goes to check cows first. D17 and I didn't wait for him. We ate then I put a movie in and laid on the couch. H came back. Made his plate and came and watch the movie with me.

I had put in "wild hogs". Not knowing it was about 4 guys going through their MLC and deciding to go on a road trip. So was kind of uncomfortable at first. But it was funny and we both laughed and laughed. H stayed and napped on the couch. Stayed till it was time for him to go to work. Then back in the morning after work. He seemed so down. Don't know if he was just tired or what. He finally asked if he could stay here and nap. Wanted to work on the combine in the afternoon. Told him it was fine as long as he didn't clean out the house while I was gone. He just gave me a look like "yea, right". The girls said he was still here when they got home. But of course he was gone before I did.

So is it possible that my H of 22 years has lost all "love" for me? That he can honestly be "done" with me and be able to eat supper with us and hang out with us and is okay with it. That he is so over me that it doesn't bother him to spend time with me?

So I'm telling myself to leave him alone. To let him have what he's asking for. AGAIN! (it's going to take time, sorry). And then I'm thinking....so what is that going to change...he keeps on doing what he's doing, what works for HIM. And I stop bugging him, I leave him alone. I releave all pressure. I make it easier on HIM. I just ease on out of his life without asking a thing...I just fade into the past. As time goes on I just go away. Then it will be easier to call that L. To file those papers.

Honest questions dear people. I really don't get this...

Or do I just go file for the D and get this sh*t over with. What's the point anymore...