I want to go see the movie Fireproof. They brought it up at Retro yesterday and I described to him what it is about. I am hoping we can go before it is out of the theaters, the soonest we could go is next Sunday evening as H is out of town until late Friday night and we are camping w/his family on Saturday...
Sarah he was there when the Retro people said, Trust is a decision. I decided to jump in with both feet on that one and let the stuff from the past year go, at least partially. I know I still am hurt by it and think about it pretty much every day on some level, but I do not use it as reason not to reunite and rebuild with H. H heard the same presentations about loving and forgiving. But he is saying that he "can't" let it go.
I gave him a bit of tough love in the car yesterday. I said, "You didn't get to go to grad school, you didn't get to go to vet school. You know what? That was 15 years ago. You say my sister should "get over" not being able to have children (she has had fertility issues). If you want her to just "get over it", take your own advice. You didn't go to grad or vet school? Get over it! Move on....If you divorce me and live on your own, guess what, you still didn't go to grad school or vet school."
He acted irritated of course when I said that. I said he needed to stop laying around crying about it and move on with life. He said, "When have I layed around crying? All I do is work, and I have moved from job to job doing different things...." I cut him off and said, "Yes, that's right, we have moved from state to state while you try to find a job that will make you happy. Guess what,nothing has made you happy. So you just need to deal with it and move on." I said some really good stuff in there in the heat of the moment but now I have forgotten it.
I also pointed out that while he moved home to live with his mom and dad 2 hrs away, I was the one working full time outside the home, taking care of our home and the yard (10 acres but I mowed 3 of them), and taking care of the kids all by myself 6 days a week. I said there were many days I didn't want to get out of bed, I wanted to lay around and be depressed about what happened to me (the affair and betrayal, feeling abandoned, etc). But I decided that would not help me in anyway so I found friends here to talk to, got a job that kept me busy, focused on my kids, got on meds, and did what I had to do to get better.
He needs to quit being the victim and get over his pity party/anger/resentment issues.
That being said, how can you say that while also being loving, supportive, and affirming? I am stuck on that one.........
Would it be at all beneficial to take that hard line stance and just tell him (show him w/actions more likely) that I am no longer interested in kissing butt and trying to kill him with love, support, and kindness when he is offering none of those things to me?
To be fair, he has been helping more with the dishes and with helping me get the kids into bed at night. Those are both nice,but my Love Language is not acts of service (his obv. is). I want to be touched, held, and told I am special, loved, valued. He knows this, I have told him on several different occasions. he just doesn't do it......which I believe is another choice he is making.
hey bobbijo, i have been following your sitch here lately, and your h must have a really hard head. (no offense). i dont see anything wrong with backing off from the butt kissing. i understand how you feel. how long b4 was jump in and pull their weight. what i do when i start feeling like my needs arent being met(affection, touching, physical stuff) i just pull back and get quiet. w is keen to this and makes a conscious attempt to get close to me. that works great, for a while. the bit of affection she gives me kind of placates me 4 awhile. then the whole cycle repeats. i think your h is just being stubborn and want to come back to m HIS WAY. i think that is the case with most was. they really dont feel that they have anything to atone for. at least they dont want their hand forced. just my opinion. good luck.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Yes, I think you need to work doses of reality in with the nicey-nicey stuff. You were absolutely correct in the car, but chances are not good that he was really listening. Your problem is there is only one person trying to heal your marriage, and then there is the other person being dragged along with his heels digging in the ground. You are not likely to get far going like this. He was supposed to have made his decision on the weekend whether he was going to work on the marriage or not. Now it is 5 weeks later, and he is still not fully onboard. Perhaps one of your Retro advisors would speak to him. It's all a lot more effective coming from another person, not you.
I asked H to bring along the CDs from one of his favorite artists yesterday, Gary Allan. Every song seems to have a message of some kind, he is an amazing singer and I love his stuff, too. I was pointing out songs that I loved and identified with. As this one was playing I was thinking about H, and then H actually said, "I identify a lot with this song". Here it is, I added the bold to parts that stand out to me...
Smoky old bars, bright neon lights Good ole boys and girls of the night An ice cold beer and a good shot of brandy I've always had a sweet tooth For the devil's candy
And I've fought it all my life And the battle's now a warBut I'll get up tomorrow And I'll fight it all once more I want to do what's right But I'll never understand me I've always had a sweet tooth For the devil's candy
Well I've played the cards, and I've rolled the dice Well I gave up heaven for a fool's paradise I once lost an angel when a bad girl was handyI've always had a sweet tooth For the devil's candy
And I've fought it all my life And the battle's now a war But I'll get up tomorrow And I'll fight it all once more I want to do what's right But I'll never understand me I've always had a sweet tooth For the devil's candy
I want to do what's right But I'll never understand me I've always had a sweet tooth For the devil's candyYes I've always had a sweet tooth For the devil's candy
So when you ask what he says when I mention my love language, or any other requests I have made or things I have asked for:
H will say, I know what you want from me. I know I should give it to you. Often I even want to give it to you. But at the end of the day I look back on the day and realize I didn't give it to you, again....and I feel like sh!t. (However, apparently he doesn't feel badly enough to actually DO it the next time...)
He said he doesn't think you can just decide to be 100% committed and to vow to love and support the other person forever, no matter what.... I have heard this same thing from my W many months ago. I am going to have to go over the vows with whoever is going to be my next wife and clarify with her up front what she thinks about "forever" and "commitment".
I suspect your H made a lifetime commitment when he married you and that now life is just so difficult and frustrating for him.
BobbiJo, you really are on a rough rollercoaster ride and it must be so agonizing not knowing if it will finally stop and get into a peaceful and loving existance together.
You have a lot going on now. I think you did a good job with what you told him in the car.
My only take right now is that your husband needs to go to IC. He has issues of his own that he needs to deal with before he can find a way to be happy. Unfortunately he is projecting those issues onto you and the marriage, but you already know that.
If I could encourage one thing it would be to be firm with him on the fact he needs to go to IC. He is going to find any reason to avoid it. Work, etc. Look at it this way, he has a way to avoid dealing with issues in the marriage. It's called divorce. He has already run away once from the marriage with his affair. However, he can't run away from his own issues so he is avoiding them. Hiding from them doesn't make them go away. It makes them worse. It explodes out and hurts others.
BBJ..he's really conflicted. The song speaks volumes. I agree with Woog. He needs to get in IC. It will free his mind a bit. he needs an objective person to talk to. He will only go kicking and screaming...
