I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

Hmmm,

Not so sure what to think. I do feel that backsliding is like a drug. There was a lot of it going on last night sadly.

I just don't know what his actual feelings are. I have never seen him be so cold and distant, though there were moments of light.

I mean he said it made him unhappy for me to be there even after all we did was ML, and then watch shows together (this part he said he liked). I backslid after the conversation in terms of trying to be physically affectionate with him. He was having none of it, although he did put his feet on me in the bed because they were cold. He said that he missed my warmth in the bed. There was no more ML in the bed, though I tried to initiate once, yes bad me. Then, he kept joking around, but sort of mean joking around. He would say things like "do you want to cuddle?" I knew where he was going with this, so I said no. He kept saying "bet you do..." Of course I did. He was going to say, "too bad." Then he did the same thing for sex. I said I'd lost the interest. I don't get him!!!! He did touch my nose, which was one of my goals as this is an affectionate thing he does.

Sleeping was weird. He was wearing an eye mask, so he didn't make eye contact with me even in the morning. In the morning I tried to hug him goodbye and such. He was pretty distant, but did say "bye little", affectionate for him. I met the roommate this morning, who I actually really like.

It's just so strange. On the one hand he seems to be trying to push me away and tells me to be aware of the very real possibility that things won't work out. Before that R talk though, his desire to spend time with me seemed pretty apparent. I don't know what to believe. I don't know why he is so scared of me, even of my touch beyond sex. I sent him an email this morning, nothing scar, just to say I'd met the roommate and he seemed really nice, and that I'd see him on Thursday...

Ok, so am on the plane now, doors about to shut. I'll post later. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to make a positive step forward now? If I croner him he may make a drastic decision. If I don't move back in, he may continue to think he can't be around me. I need some sort of solution that shows I'm taking into account his needs. I just don't want a 2 week ultimatum :(. He is so afraid of stringing me along...

I really need some help and inspiration here...

ITH