Feeling a bit confused still. It feels SO right to be here. I have to pinch myself to remember that I can't walk up to him, sit on his lap, and tell him that I love him. It hurts that he is questioning whether he can be happy with me, even as I sit in our home that we created together. Right now I just love him SOOOOO much, and I do know that a lot of people would love to be in my shoes today. I know that and am very grateful for this opportunity to spend the night with H. I really am.
I truly believe that something big will happen between H and I this week. I am going to keep up the DBing today, and will not raise any R questions whatsoever, unless he does. At some point he is going to need to learn that I am meant to come home next week. I'm feeling a little nervous about this. He has already started talking about my US biz trip though, saying he'd like me to pick some stuff up for him there. So, in many ways he loves the life we have, i.e. sharing responsibilities, specifically me doing things for him, but he still hasn't outwardly committed to living together again.
I feel like I need to make a move, and maybe it's the email on Wednesday, though it seems a bit sappy now that we've been so light with each other today. I feel like we are at a crossroads here. Either I come back and move into our home, or I don't.
Anyway, right now he is downstairs working, and I'm watching a show he recorded for me. He loves to introduce me to new shows...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
At the house and had some dreadful R conversation with H. He said he just can't see it right now, being happy with me. He is acting pretty dreadful, and is a cold alien robot.
The one good that came from this was that he's suggested we trial me living here for 2 weeks when I get back. However the bad thing is that he could be willing to throw in the towel if it doesn't work after only 2 weeks.
He kept saying "you need to be willing to let me go". He was so cold and hard and generally mean. He has this MLC book by his bed, and I don't think he's gotten to the R section of the book yet as this section actually says GOOD things about relationships and how people tend to blame others during this time.
He just can't possibly think of leaving me if things don't work after 2 weeks???!!! I even told him the R stages, as I thought it was appropriate, that we were still in stage 1...
Ugh I don't know what I should do. I mean I definitely need to do 2 weeks here. This is an opportunity but it as if he has already made his mind up!!!
Any advice, help? BTW he brought up the R talk, not me. Then he said he was unhappy with me here today mostly. Some things were OK, like watching shows with me and laughing with me. I don't know what was bad then???!!! We didn't do anything else!!!
Should I be freaking out or happy? His classic MLC man talk is pretty mean. I have never heard such callousness. He doesn't even care if I am with someone else supposedly as long as I am happy. He may never want to be married in his life.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
The one good that came from this was that he's suggested we trial me living here for 2 weeks when I get back. However the bad thing is that he could be willing to throw in the towel if it doesn't work after only 2 weeks.
He kept saying "you need to be willing to let me go". He was so cold and hard and generally mean. He has this MLC book by his bed, and I don't think he's gotten to the R section of the book yet as this section actually says GOOD things about relationships and how people tend to blame others during this time.
He just can't possibly think of leaving me if things don't work after 2 weeks???!!! I even told him the R stages, as I thought it was appropriate, that we were still in stage 1...
Ugh I don't know what I should do. I mean I definitely need to do 2 weeks here. This is an opportunity but it as if he has already made his mind up!!!
I know it is sh!tty but this is your chance to validate, validate, validate. Look back at pisces sitch.
Did Pisces hear similar stuff? Seems like hers was so smooth. I messed up a lot during the conversation I think. I even sort of cried at one point, but at least it was mixed with laughter about something dumb.
He had the nerve to say that I hadn't held back during the summer and had "said plenty". The thing is that I KNOW this isn't really H, no matter how much he has been thinking about life and yada yada. He says I wasn't listening to him, and now it's the dynamics between us that are a problem, even if we go to a counselor. He kept harping on how I need to be prepared for the very real possibility that things won' work out, and I kept saying that if he wanted me to focus on this, then he should think about the possibility that things could be much better, even though this would probably take more than 2 weeks to figure out. I understand I shouldn't have said that, that is SO anti-DB. However I feel like he has given me an ultimatum. I don't know how to handle this proposed 2 weeks...And you know, using the Secret, I asked for H to ask me to move back home today, under any auspices. I guess this is it unless something happens Thursday...
All in all, not a very DB conversation although I did say "I apologize" and "I understand" a number of times. Afterwards I made a few mistakes again. I tried to hug him twice, and put my head on his chest. He was sooo cold and distant. He says he's not angry at me, but I know he is. I mean on the one hand he says I am wonderful and he likes being around me, but even when we were just friends he was affectionate, not like this. Affection for him now is touching my butt. He has been doing this all day, which I allow because it's all I can get at the moment.
I guess the email on Wednesday is still warranted. I also hope he gets to the relationships section of the MLC book, because maybe it will give him a clue, as he is SO wrapped up in self-help.
Now I am sitting upstairs, trying not to cry, and his stupid friend/roommate whom I've never met could be home at any minute. I just can't believe that someone could be so unfeeling. I mean he is acting like I need to just understand his mission in life or something, and like I am being SO selfish. I am sick of his self-help nonsense. I think it can be taken way too far. His latest, "marriage is a choice that we can make every day. I am not sure that this is a choice I am prepared to make right now." He's "becoming someone different than he ever was, and this person might need to find a different path to happiness, and I might need to find one as well." Ridiculous. I made another faux pax. I reminded him of how he pursued me for one year before even loving me, when he only liked me like he does now, and how he didn't give up. I said the H I know did not give up after 3 months of pain. The one success that I think I had this time was mentioning how far he had come in 3 months, and how it was good that I had gone away for 3 months as before he hadn't missed me, and hadn't wanted to talk to me, and now he missed me and liked to talk to me. He sort of agreed
I need some inspiration...I KNOW H still loves me. In fact now he is up here, laughing with me at some show, insisting I put some others on my laptop (obviously oblivious to what I'm doing at the moment). His biggest issue seems to be "not wanting to string me along". I mentioned again that I wouldn't be dating anyone anyway so was fine to see how things went, that some people's sitches take a year, some a week, everyone was unique.
Feeling confused...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
If I were you I would look at all the positives of the sitch...He wants to try be it only for 2 weeks. It 2 weeks of Dbing your butt off!!! I would LOVE to have that opportunity now. It will be 2 weeks of validating like you never have before and being so cheerful and happy that your cheeks hurt from smiling so much!!! LoL.
Hang in there this is a great opportunity to SHOW him that you are listening to what he is saying and are making the improvements on yourself.
Prob is he is trying to make this an ultimatum. He seems to expect a perfect relationship after 2 weeks or nothing at all. This is why I said that there were 4 stages and what I hoped for was that he could feel more comfortable around me after 2 weeks, and that I would just hang back, not try to get him to do things etc.
This is pretty much what I asked for however I didn't expect the ultimatum. I need to think about how best to do this now. He wants to maybe break up the 2 weeks; I actually think that's worse. There will also be the roommate here. In a way I think this is good as I'd have the chance to really get along with him. I've always been good at getting along with guys as friends...
Hmmmm,
I'll post in the morning again!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Not so sure what to think. I do feel that backsliding is like a drug. There was a lot of it going on last night sadly.
I just don't know what his actual feelings are. I have never seen him be so cold and distant, though there were moments of light.
I mean he said it made him unhappy for me to be there even after all we did was ML, and then watch shows together (this part he said he liked). I backslid after the conversation in terms of trying to be physically affectionate with him. He was having none of it, although he did put his feet on me in the bed because they were cold. He said that he missed my warmth in the bed. There was no more ML in the bed, though I tried to initiate once, yes bad me. Then, he kept joking around, but sort of mean joking around. He would say things like "do you want to cuddle?" I knew where he was going with this, so I said no. He kept saying "bet you do..." Of course I did. He was going to say, "too bad." Then he did the same thing for sex. I said I'd lost the interest. I don't get him!!!! He did touch my nose, which was one of my goals as this is an affectionate thing he does.
Sleeping was weird. He was wearing an eye mask, so he didn't make eye contact with me even in the morning. In the morning I tried to hug him goodbye and such. He was pretty distant, but did say "bye little", affectionate for him. I met the roommate this morning, who I actually really like.
It's just so strange. On the one hand he seems to be trying to push me away and tells me to be aware of the very real possibility that things won't work out. Before that R talk though, his desire to spend time with me seemed pretty apparent. I don't know what to believe. I don't know why he is so scared of me, even of my touch beyond sex. I sent him an email this morning, nothing scar, just to say I'd met the roommate and he seemed really nice, and that I'd see him on Thursday...
Ok, so am on the plane now, doors about to shut. I'll post later. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to make a positive step forward now? If I croner him he may make a drastic decision. If I don't move back in, he may continue to think he can't be around me. I need some sort of solution that shows I'm taking into account his needs. I just don't want a 2 week ultimatum :(. He is so afraid of stringing me along...
I really need some help and inspiration here...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
And fyi I'm sitting at the pool right now in Valencia, and there are so many businessmen who could be interested/interesting. I'm feeling a little angry right now.
H has forwarded some email on Yom Kippur, which is sort of good as it's a good segue into my please forgive me email tomorrow, if I decide to send it...if so I can say I saw his email and it got me thinking.
Still wondering on my next move. At this point there needs to be one unless H makes one very quickly. He has been really annoyed at me for not sending dates through for things like me leaving Poland.I said I'd send him through dates before leaving Valencia. I think the dates are going to freak him out a bit, as I am coming back next week. He has already agreed to me staying next Monday, BTW.
So here are my choices as I see them-I send an email with the dates, in which case I'm obligated to talk about the living together sitch. I send the Yom Kippur email, and hope this softens him before my dates email. Basically both emails are heavy. One sort of needs to ask for things re.living together, and the other brings up emotional issues which either could be great, or could overwhelm him. My fear is that by asking for forgiveness, he thinks I am weak and/or that I have not listened to him about maybe not wanting to be married, and that me apologizing for relationship stuff is at best irrelevant. Without sending it, then I am sending the dates email, which is by default touchy, with nothing to soften the blow.
Of course the best thing would be H making a nice gesture by tomorrow so that I don't have to make any. I don't think a forwarded email counts...feeling confused still. Yesterday was overwhelming and I don't know what to believe these days!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Im sorry I don't have much advice. I seem to be just as confused as you are. If it were me I would hold off on the forgivness email because it seems a bit too personal and he has not shown an interest in being close to you (except to have sex) and it might spook him. If he has asked you for the dates then I would send those. Remember that you can't be afraid of his reaction and that it has nothing to do with you. He is obvious confused and lost and so you can't take it too personally. Hard to do, I know.
