All I know is that ache and bitterness still comes out. Regret, and sorrow. Pain and so much love still....
Cinders it is Ok to back track. I do it all the time; it simply means there is a little part of grieving that you missed. You need to get it al done. It’s not nice to do, it’s uncomfortable but it is important!!
Do not even try to rush through this process. Do not try to bury your feelings and emotions.
FWIW I don’t think you are making your H too bigger part of your life. I think there is a tendency for it to seem like that when you post on DB board but if you are anything like me (who writes loads of stuff about H in a diary) it is a case of 20 minutes off load time and then it’s forgotten and a normal –ish happy life is resumed.
Your H probably back tracks too. Don’t for one moment think he doesn’t regret. My H has told me as much. He said that he will always wonder if he made the right decision. As the honeymoon period wears off he will question that more. Two weeks ago he told me he was dreaming about me. I didn’t question what he had dreamed … he insisted on telling me that the dream was a bit ‘naughty’ We have been divorced a couple of months now. So, yea, I think it is a bit naive to think that he has walked away without any regret and remorse. When I feel like you do, I get the lighthouse story out and read that.
You know, I see my previous behaviour in my H. In the initial stages of my R with OM I was high as a kite, couldn’t be nicer to my H. Felt sorry for him, and wanted him to be as happy as me. As things soured with OM, (I started to see his true colours – notice how immature he was) I wanted to hide away from everyone especially my H. I kept up the pretence that everything was fine with OM for a long time after it was emotionally dead out of pride. Not wanting to admit I had made a mistake and not wanting to be sucked into the old relationship with my H, as I felt I would be back as square one with a load of guilt on top.
Anyway, you’re doing fine Cinders. Try to look for all of the good that has come from your H period of insanity. You have become much stronger, more independent, a heroine to your children, a beacon of light to people on the DB board. He must look at you and regret what he has lost.
Nutty x
Last edited by Nutty Chick; 10/07/0808:16 AM.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
We have been divorced a couple of months now. 
So, yea, I think it is a bit naive to think that he has walked away without any regret and remorse. When I feel like you do, I get the lighthouse story out and read that. 
