WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice

[LonelyD]

I agree. One of the reasons for her discontnet was my not really being there for her issues, emotional or otherwise according to her comments and discussions with her family and frineds that she has talked with. She has definitely seen my changes, changes in the home and her situation getting worse. I have just started reading DR. Don't want to piece a strategy together until I do. However, my feeling on this is that if I don't take an initative, knowing how she is and how she bottles everything up, it could be a lost opportunity to get her to at least open up her commnications with me.

I just sent her a text "Thinking of you! Wnated to talk to you yesterday, still do." that was it. I figure maybe it will at least get her to contact me. I am staying dim on this. Hard to do, but...Still doing it.

[thrillisgone]

First of all if this is MLC and not just WAW, there will be lots of blame pushed your way. There will also be alot of justification on her part.

Let me say now that there is NO excuse for having an affair. Period. Do not blame yourself for this. Well adjusted adults don't commit emotional homicide. She has some problems that are hers and hers alone and she must come to grips with those problems.

I would detach. Doesn't mean you can't love her or feel compassion for her and work on yourself. However, if you contact her you may very well circumvent the real work you both need to do. She knows you love her. She knows you want this to work already.

You've made real changes. Now it is her turn and she must tackle those issues that bother her in lieu of blaming and justification tactics.

If you give too much I'd be afraid that you might be enabling her to continue on in the fog. You don't want her to use you. You want her back if she can feel the love and value of the relationship you've had with each other for 29 years AND she is willing to work with you to resolve personal issues between you.

[LonelyD]

Thanks. Her response to my text was less than what I expected, it hurt, didn't see any real emotion, but its text. Her response was Thanks. We had alot of good anniversay memories. Not what I wanted. Not what I built up in my head. Will be reading the book to large degree tonight. Get busywith some home projects that need to get done.

[LonelyD]

Her response was just "Thanks. We had alot of good anniversary memories." just to clarify. I know she has issues, I don't blame myself for the affair. Just need to focus away from her I know. difficult. If I hadn't seen her Satruday night or yesterday, this would be easier.

[LonelyD]

tgone, I am not sure if she is WAW in MLS or not, she left I know that. based on the symptoms and the way it came down, its looks to be MLC, but know one knows for sure. I am hoping something comes to light that will give me a clue. Right now, based on everything I will go dark again, try to avoid contacting her at all levels. i will do her brakes tomorrow night and hopefully I will see something in her eyes tomorrow. 29th anniversary is brutal right now. I have just got half way throguh chapter 2 of DR. I will most likely finish it tonight or tomorrow night latest. I am hoping to gain some more strength from it. Have you read it? did it help? I know your situation is dire. My wife has continually commented to friends that people who even get divorced get back together after even two years. Why is she making these comments? This is why I think she is MLC. Does anyone have any sure signs? Probably not. AmyC has been huge with her impressions and help. Yours is also very helpful. Any tips you can give me to help guide me down the path will be helpful. I am sure you have read my blogs and know that I am running my household. It is amazing how much time out of my day it takes. I know I need to focus on me, ut I have the house, kids, family, holdiays coming up, trying to sell my camper adn/or close it for the season, food shopping, driving my daughter to here there and everywhere. She has nothing to do. My MIL brought that to her attention. I thanked her for that. My W is about my W right now. I know that. Just need to focus. How are you getting throguh it? What tricks are you using? I can imagine your pain is as big as mine. there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, so I guess what I need to do is let her go....Doesn't help me much, right now, but I guess I have to try and let her go...

[LonelyD]

tgone, i just read your posts, we have a lot in common, wife is with 31 year old, everything else sems the same. My wife has lost a lot of weight, looks awful, stil partying and out for the good time. She is constantly lying about everything, tells her mother she is at my house cleaning, lie, she is looking for another job, lie, looking for more hours at her part time job, lie. She tells her mother my kids are fine, told tthem about OM and they were ok with it. I told them about OM, my D16 went to her knees when she heard this. She is acting out now as a response to this. my D21 wants nothing to do with her, my married D28 says she has little to do with her and isn't really pushing to get any closer. My S24 is devastated, he was mommy's boy, he really doesn't want anything to do with her. does this sound like kids who are fine!!!? My realtionship with my kids has gotten so strong over the past 2 months it is unreal. they have ben there, picking my crying ass up off the floor, preaching for me to go forward, consoling me when my voice cracks and i start to cry....they see my pain and don't like her for doing this to me, they say she is absent, not really their mother anymore because of her changes, they cpomplained tha tover the past couple of years she has been dressing and acting like she's 21, its true. these are the things that indicate MLC. I am mad, angry, hurt, crushed and every other emotion every day. Talked to a couple f therpists, doesn't really help. All I can do is be me, be close to my friends and family and watch. they tell me she is watching me, taking in my changes, looking to see if I have really changed ad can she come back. Question is, will i be here when she decides too?

[thrillisgone]

LD - I know what you are going through. I understand the sleepless nights, losing weight, the stress of carrying the world on your shoulders. I understand the shock and the fear of losing something that means the world to you. You didn't ask for this.

Alot of what people tell you will seem counterintuitive. Letting go is the best option for you. She has to see that you let go in order to contemplate what the consequences of her actions might mean. Calling her and doing her brakes etc, sends the wrong message. It means you are there for her even when she is betraying her wedding vows, destroying a family and hurting someone who deeply loves her. This is unacceptable behavior.

My ExW uttered the phrase " I guess you won't be able to wait on me" She did this about a week before she left. I had no idea what that meant at the time. Still don't. Perhaps she had visions of returning one day. It has been a long and difficult 7 months since she left. I never let go and she knows it and knew it the whole time she was out partying and having an affair. I drew the line at her signing the divorce papers. She signed them. I believe she had painted herself into such a tight corner she had no choice. I say this because I spoke to her the night before the divorce was granted and the next day I saw her in person. She was an absolute physical and emotional wreck. She was in a far worse place than me.

The door for me is closed tight and locked. I'm moving on. If I had DB'd better, sooner, I might have been able to avert this mess. I believe the signals I sent her enabled her to continue her behavior the point of no return.

If I don't have more self respect than that what woman would ever want me? This has been a tremendous growing and learning experience for me. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Work on you and let freakin' go.

[LonelyD]

tgone, thanks again bud....Everyone is telling me I am crazy for doing her brakes. There had to be a reason she asked me, not her brother the mechanic or her OM the mechanic, she asked me. I used to be a mechanic years ago. the price would be the same, yet we don't know why I was asked. I have made a resolve to go dark completely once the brakes are done. she needs to give me money for her car ins our I am seperating the ploicies. I see your point and trust me, friends and family atre saying the same thing you are. Yet, something is holding her to me, not me to her, her to me. My pain today is bad, feel like crying but I'm not. Heard she did several times today. See has also commented to a friend that she needs to focus on herself and not have these distractions. one is the OM. apparently she left after the wedding because they were all going out partying at some bar and she didn't want to go. she had a couple and felt safer coming to the camp rather than driving home, stupid in any direction. So that mystery is solved. but the good thing is she didn't WANT to go out partying with OM and his friends. So maybe she is finally in a place where she can think and resolve and whatever. When her brakes are done and the insurance for her car talk is over, that will be it for me for a while, a long while. holidays are coming, she is more than aware that being in the same place as me ain't happening, made that quite clear with my actions Saturday night. My kids have indicated that thery will see her at her father's house on Christmas Day, but not christmas Eve at my house or my D's house if she has it. Thanksgiving, i was invited to her dad's, but it is her Father's. I have been invited to a few places, so who knows where I'll end up. wherever it is, my kids want to be with me at some time.

None of this seems right. I just finished reading the marriage map in the DR book and boy are we at Stage 3. I understand what she is saying as I preach it when I do training. How you interact with a customer is how they will respond, how you don't interact with a customer is how they will respond. funny, nerver thought my theories on motivating peolpe technically or customer relationship wise would be the same thought process I have tyo use if i want to save my marriage,. You said your doors are closed and locked, can they ever be opened, you think? I don't want to imagine the d-word, but I need to be realistic if thats what she wants then I need to let it go. I hate being alone, I hate not having her here to talk to and to help me throguh this, this is the pain i went thropguh as my Dad was dying of cancer. everyday hurt knowing that this could be the day it ends. I'm living that hurt times 100 today. Did you ever read the DR book? You said you had wished you started DBing earlier, when did you start. i started at about 6-7 weeks in, is that too late? I hope not...Well thanks agin for your great responses, do me a favor and check in on me, I really need your support and advice. I don't want to be a door mat, I'd rather be a welcome mat, but I guess I need to be patient.

[sandi2]

Hi, I was thinking of you today being your anniversary. I had hoped to get to you before you contacted your wife, but was too late.

Her response to my text was less than what I expected, it hurt, didn't see any real emotion, but its text. Her response was Thanks. We had alot of good anniversay memories. Not what I wanted. Not what I built up in my head.

First of all, let me ask you a simple but maybe hard question for you. What exactly did you expect from her when you contacted her? She has left you for another man and is in an affair with him!! Were you in some fantasy land of your own in thinking that just b/c it was your anniversay that she would come to her senses and go running back home to you? Please listen to me......this in all liklihood is not going to happen. I am not saying she will never go back home. Okay? But, I don't believe it will be like you have it pictured in your mind. You need to get over that dream. As long as you cling to that fantasy, you are setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment.

The best thing you can do right now is to drop the rope and get a life for yourself being busy with activities that are good and keep you out of trouble (you know what I mean by that). Discipline yourself not to contact her unless is is an emergency or strickly very important business. Stop looking for excuses to contact her. Stop making life easy for her. She needs to face the hardships that her decisions has brought upon herself. If you are there rescuing her from every little problem or fixing every little need......then she is eating cake.

If this OM is trying to stay in contact with his family, then your W will begin to feel left out more than she wants to. It will finally begin to cause problems between them. The excitement will begin to die out. Hopefully, she will not turn to another man! Sometimes it happens. Looks has nothing to do with it......trust me.

You have done well with your many changes and I congratulate you. She may not trust all of these many changes and will be watching for a long time to see if they stick. Even going dark, she will hear about you through family and friends, but I think that the less you make contact with her, the better.......at this point. Do you know what we mean by "drop the rope"?

Until you can get a grip and discipline yourself in your life to act as if she is not going to be a part of your life and go on.......you are going to continue to be one miserable person. No, it is not easy. There are many stories here on the bb that tell how hard it is, but they also tell that it is possible and that they learn they can survive and carry on. Some say it does get better after they truly drop the rope. I have not been in that position so I cannot tell from experience, but I can tell you that she is not ready to come back to you and won't be for a long time. That is why you need to go on and pick up your life and make the most of it. Focus on that instead of wondering what she is thinking.....why did she do what she did.....what if this....what if that....just make a life for yourself. Stop analyzing ever word that comes out of her mouth and every move she makes. Okay?

Continue to go by the DR book, but that is part of it......making a life for yourself.

You stand a much better chance of drawing her back to you by droping the rope and going dark than trying to keep some type of R with her. In some cases that works and in some it doesn't. In your case......I think it's time to move on and let her deal with her consequenses. But, don't stand at the door watching for her.

Sandi

[thrillisgone]

LD - Keep it together my friend! You come across as an intelligent, thoughtful and strong person. You can do this. I just read Sandi's post to you and she is right on the money. MLC doesn't resolve quickly in the best of cases and since there are many cases where it doesn't conclude in a successful reconciliation at all, you must summon all your resources and carry on as if it might not. Take care of yourself and your children.

I'm going to throw you a couple of bones here. I do this to give you strength but don't operate under the assumption that DBing will work at reconciliation. What DBing will do is make you a better stronger person with better chances at success in coming through this whole no matter what happens.

I personally know of 2 women who left their husbands and were full blown MLC. Both eventually returned. One marriage is currently better now than it ever was but it was rough going for about 1 year to 1 1/2 yrs. The other marriage still has problems but the couple is back together and trying.

Case 1. The W carried discontent and resentment around silently for about a yr before starting an online emotional EA with a "friend" from her past. Then one day she got up, packed her bags, left her husband and took off out of state to live with her "friend". She got an attorney, paid a retainer but never filed. Her husband begged, pleaded and everything else. He was crushed. He thought about killing himself. I've spoken to both W and H extensively about this and know the whole this story. The H was a former Marine who served in Desert Storm. He is a pretty tough guy but it nearly broke him. Well the chasing went on for about 2 months and this absolutely disgusted the W. After 2 months the H began to make honest changes in himself and began to maintain the household, go to work and pay the bills and carry on with life as if the W didn't exist. He began to date other women ( all platonic relationships) and then called a real estate agent to list the house. He emailed his W to sign the listing contract and she complied. This happened at month 4 and at month 5 they got a buyer. Suddenly the W began to feel like she was losing control of the situation. H told her without emotion that he was done and excited about moving on with his life. She could sense that it was for real (and it was) and she could see all the changes he had made. She refused to sign the contract with the buyer and started to feel real remorse. They started talking and then going to counseling and by month 6 she moved back into the house. After a year of couples counseling they are so happy it is like night and day. H told me he went to counseling and DBed and it worked. At first he faked it but after awhile it came naturally and he truly was happier and really ready to move on. Women aren't fooled. They know it when they see it. This was a pretty fast resolving case as the W was only gone for 6 months.

Case 2 W leaves H and stays gone for a year
She moved out of state and lived with various family members. H stays behind and starts to take care off all the things he had failed to do while his W was home. They spoke occasionally on the phone but it took the W a full year before she went home. No affairs were admitted to by either party. The W just woke up one day and decided to come home. The H didn't pressure or cajole her, he just acted indifferent but friendly and took care of business. They are back together but neither one is particularly happy. They did no counseling and still have unresolved issues and I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't last. In speaking to both the H and W there doesn't seem to be any real passion or trust.

As far as my situation is concerned I can't see how there would ever be reconciliation. Too much damage has been done and my W has put herself in a situation where it would be almost impossible for me to envision her getting loose any time soon. She is in an affair with a 69 yr old co-worker out of state. She is buying a house out of state in his neighborhood. She has lied to co workers, family and me. The changes in her are so drastic emotionally and physically that I don't even know her anymore. My story is much different than yours though. My W has taken to drinking lots of alcohol and ingesting a huge concoction of hormones and steroids. Yes it was crushing. Brought me to my knees. However, the pain is subsiding and I'm happy to be moving on with my life. I will always love her but the writing is on the wall. Her father was married 4 times (twice to the same woman). Her mother has been married 4 times. Her sister has been married 3 times (twice to the same man). A psychiatrist took a look at what she was taking and how she was acting and told me "there are worse things than divorce". I didn't believe it but I do now. My wife now refers to herself and her friends as "beautiful people". You can't save the world but you can save yourself.

Get to work buster! You can do it. Keep your head up. Respect yourself. Take care of business. You will do this.