Hey everyone! Thanks for checking on me over the past few days. I had Grace all weekend then today was the day I signed off on my marriage. Thus, I'm officially divorced. I really don't know how I feel about it, but I'm not doing cartwheels over this.
I guess I still never wanted it, but I can't run a two-man race by myself, so it was what had to happen. We still have to settle our pensions and I'm not going to take a deal here. I have a non-guaranteed pension from the Catholic Church and she has a guaranteed pension from the state. I'm pretty sure hers will be worth much, much more than mine will be, so I may end up getting some decent money out of her after all.
So, I'm a bit down and a bit sad by it all I guess. At the 11th hour, she decided to split up our two dogs - brothers from litters one year apart - and thus they'll be apart from each other for the first time in 6 years. That too breaks my heart. I have to give up one of my only real life friends and companions over the past 8 months. That is gut-wrenching to me.
Today, I couldn't even look at her. It wasn't out of anger however, as I'm not mad at her. But, I just couldn't bear to look at her. I'm not sure why, but when all was over, her L came over and shook my hand and said "good luck to you" - I wanted to tell him to go F himself, but restrained - and XW shook the hand of my L. I just looked at her, nodded and left. Didn't say a word. Didn't want to. Didn't know what to say, do, or act.
I did cry a bit as I was walking to my car, but it was a very short period of grief. I guess it is normal of sorts as I know this will bring peace to my life in time, but it is still so sad to have chosen poorly. I never dreamed I'd ever be close to here, but this is my reality. I guess that is what hurts - the little family I once had is now officially gone.
I know there will be better days ahead, but that still doesn't make today any easier. It will be better in time - you've all told me that, so I believe it - but there is something about this particular day - the day I'm "divorced" - that isn't a day of happiness. It is just plain sad all the way around.
Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired and I'm broken right now, so my body needs to rest. Tomorrow I'll be better. I have no choice. My little angel needs a strong father. Thus, I'll figure out how to rebound, but it just may take a while to get over the sting I have in my heart right now.
I hope you are all resting well my friends and I'll look to catch up w/ your lives tomorrow. Please forgive me for not having the strength to do it over the past few days.
