Personally I've found, though I'm not "up and happy" because of my situation, I'm much more compassionate and vulnerable. It's helped me connect with family and friends in some ways.
Regarding finances and your wife, she won't get serious and responsbile until she has to. The school of financial hard-knocks still awaits her.
Perhaps weaning her off the Frank support-system will move her in more responsible directions.
I'm really glad you called your Dad's wife and your brother. That was a good thing to do and I'm very proud of you. Do follow-up and call your sister too. And don't let too much time go by before you call your brother again. Stay connected.
I've told you a hundred times that your W really hasn't faced the true test of being on her own. Sounds like her family is telling you the same thing. She has so much to learn and figure out for herself. Time will teach her about life's realities because no one else can. Keep plugging away and your situation will get better. A word of caution...the more desperate she becomes, financially and otherwise, the bumpier this ride will get. When she feels trapped, she will lash out. Try and get yourself as financially stable as possible so that you can fend off her attacks. And you will be attacked. Sorry.
Hugs, Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Thanks guys for the comments. I'm still feeling good today.
W came over this morning. I worked till 2 am last night since it is 'monday morning' in Amsterdam where my client is. So I didn't get up until she was leaving.
When I went downstairs she was on crutches and told me she dislocated her kneecap on Saturday. She was planning on going to the doctor to get it fixed later today. Of course, she is a massage therapist and has to stand to work.
Almost exactly a year ago she broke her foot and had to cut back on her work for the same reason. I drove her places and of course got her a scooter thing so she could get around.
I just told her "Let us know if there's anything we can do to help" 'Us' being the girls and I.
So she took D13 to school. Then called me about 5 minutes later because D13 had forgotten her locker key and could I bring it out to the car and she'd take it to her.
So I did, she said thank you and I turned and walked away. She looks kind of haggard. Don't think the grass is very green today for her.
"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom."
Pretty weird that your W and my W both were nagging on us this weekend. Projecting their own faults upon us.
Everyone keeps telling me she is going to hit rock bottom in a few years just as they are saying to you. I have seen this movie before with my bother and best friends ex's - everything bad in their lives that can blame on their ex H's who are both good men.
Keep in mind that there comes a time where it is financially advantageous for you to file for a D. If you know that the marriage has no chance, sometimes waiting until your financial situation is better can be worse in regards to your W being able to get more spousal support.
Everyone keeps telling me she is going to hit rock bottom in a few years just as they are saying to you. I have seen this movie before with my bother and best friends ex's - everything bad in their lives that can blame on their ex H's who are both good men.
Thing is that whether they hit 'rock bottom' or not isn't going to make a difference in how we live OUR lives. They don't want us any more, for whatever reasons they've come up with, and that's ok.
We don't 'need'. we desire and expect.
So, I'm just dropping the rope. I pretty much am hurt still, but I don't really think I want her to come back.
W called a little while ago, sounded very upset. She asked me if I can take the kids to school because her dislocated knee problem requires her to go in for MRI's tomorrow and it's worse than she thought.
This is really going to cost her since like most people we have a big deductible to keep premiums down. She still hasn't paid off all the doctor bills from last year. I hope she has been keeping up the premiums.
I told her ok, tried to be polite ans said "If there's anything we can do for you let us know" and told her I'd bring the girls by to see her. She said it didn't matter she was probably going to bed.
I was on the road bringing D17 and her boyfriend home anyway so we stopped and I dropped them off. W was outside on her crutches so they got out and went to talk to her. I stayed in the car and asked her if she was going to be all right but she kind of gave me an "I don't want you to care about me" attitude. So I left.
I went home and got D13 to go see her mom also. I drove her down the street and dropped her off and told her to give her mom lots of love.
As I was leaving OM came out of the house to go home. What a dorky looking guy. W has traded down, but they always do. I imagine he felt uncomfortable when the girls were there, or W told him he should go home. Guess she's not proud of him. It does go to show that the OP usually is irrelevant in the scheme of things. They're a weak link in the puzzle.
Anyway, it kind of felt bad to not be able to be there for her, and to be somewhat rejected by her. But that's stuff we just have to get used to.
....I've told you a hundred times that your W really hasn't faced the true test of being on her own. Sounds like her family is telling you the same thing. She has so much to learn and figure out for herself. Time will teach her about life's realities because no one else can. Keep plugging away and your situation will get better. A word of caution...the more desperate she becomes, financially and otherwise, the bumpier this ride will get. When she feels trapped, she will lash out. Try and get yourself as financially stable as possible so that you can fend off her attacks. And you will be attacked. Sorry.
Hugs, Spitfire
I can not emphasize enough how much I agree with Spitfire here.
Stay alert..
I was very impressed that you called your Dad's wife after the slight in the obituary.
D13 came home a few minutes ago from spending some time with W. Apparently they played some board games with her friends daughter and her boyfriend and guess what, OM was there.
D13 said she felt uncomfortable because mom likes him and 'technically you are not divorced yet'. I told her that's true and that what mom is doing is wrong. D13 said that I should tell W that and I said I have but she just wants to do whatever she wants to make herself happy.
D13 said "You're just upset because mom likes him and they're closer in age than you are".
I had to think about that, her observation of her mom, me and her mom kind of rejecting me. Kids know stuff I guess.
I've been pretty hopeful till now, a bit slow to 'get it'. I asked God for a sign and here it is. She's not lonely or hurting or anything. She's got the life she's been wanting, except for the financial stability. A 'nice guy' who she has things in common with, and none of Frank's problems. And of course I'll fix the financial ones because I have no choice - my survival depends on it.
This divorce is not going to be busted. She's like her mom and just wants to live the 'simple' life and not have to deal with the kinds of issues that came into our life. They were huge, but I was an over emotional over achiever who crashed and burned and stayed there way too long.
Never again. Never again.
Silly me, we're only 'technically' married. In her mind we're not married at all. Just a technicality.
I think this is the last dagger. At least I hope so. I'm keeping my promises to God.
My birthday is soon. This is the third one she's ruined.
In retrospect, it's been amazing to see her go up and down and sideways the first 7 months. Then in july by random chance OM shows up in her life.
Now she seems calmer / happier but sort of uncomfortable around me. Doesn't call or talk to me much unless she has to. Makes sense, she has someone paying attention to her who probably makes her feel good about herself.
My kids accept that this is the way it is.
I guess I've learned my lesson here. Be smart about who you marry but more importantly make sure that you take care of your own needs first, not last.
Because if you don't, you won't survive. And what's worse, if you did choose someone who wasn't strong they will bail.
she's just like her mom. what a surprise.
I'm done, really done. Going dark as best I can given the situation. So I can heal and move on with my life.
Oh frank i am so sorry that you are going through this. I really hope that this is 'the last dagger'; that this is your rock bottom and you can use it to project forward into recovery.
You deserve *so* much more than this.
Go as dark as you can. Take care of yourself.
Nutty x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
