I have been told about Fireproof too. I am curious, have no idea how I will feel about seeing it. I don't think I will ask WAS to come w/me as it might feel like pressuring to her.
Has anyone else seen it ?
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I hope he is enjoying his new life..while I take care of our kids.
Sandy
Funny how that happens. I used to feel like you also. I've realized lately though that my kids and I have a really tight bond which I don't think they will ever have with their dad. I'm the stable parent they count on, and my H is there sometimes when he feels like it when OW is busy. Kids are very smart and figure out this kind of thing. I think your H will realize this at some point, but if he doesn't and continues to be selfish and self-absorbed, why would you want him anyway?
If you think Fireproof might motivate you then see it, but I have to admit most movies I've seen lately are a bummer. So a comedy is good too! You need to do what will make you happy. That'll help you get stronger and more in control of your emotions and everything else.
I think that's a good idea to set simple goals to work on everyday. I've been doing that too. No contact except about kids and make it polite and businesslike (ok I know I really need to work on this one too) it's hard but a good one. Try to do something fun every day, something you enjoy each day, read a book, a hobby, watch a movie, or whatever makes you happy and that'll help with the crying. I used to cry so much, and now it's every 2 months or so so & it gets better. Karen
It looks like you are taking baby steps to try to refrain from pursuing him. Does it look like he is responding? Sounds like it.
Good for you ! Realize that H is like a skittish cat. You have to be very patient and do not chase after him.
I would avoid telling him ' I am too emotionally attached...' as it confirms what he already knows. You might say something like, 'I need time to think about what I really want here' or 'This situation is making me re-think some things' leaving it really vauge so he can start to wonder.
San, you are showing your first signs of strength, of controlling yourself. In this game you will need to keep your emotions in check, at least around H. Here you can let it all out and we will understand and continue to support and encourage you.
Have your read Divorce Remedy yet ? It might be time to start thinking about some 180s. You can search this site and find out examples from other's threads.
In a 180 we evaluate what we have been doing that doesn't work, and do an about face, then we moniter the results.
I sense that you have carried the lions share of responsiblity in the relationship and have let your husband be like an irresponsible kid. H needs to step up, but he won't unless you stop doing it all for him.
Maybe next time he wants to spend time w/kids, you could say 'Yes, and why don't you pick up dinner b/c I don't plan on cooking tonight ?'
Just an idea. Keep studying this site. Kudos for hanging in there. You are learning fast !
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
When your H shows up to see the kids, have everything ready to go (dinner) Wear one of his favorite outfits, the one he's made comments about in the past, smell good and then spend VERY LITTLE time with him. Ask ho wlong he will be staying, then leave. Go run errands, do all of those things you have wanted to when the kids aren't around. Use his mind to your advantage.
Always remember when you get an emotional reaction, it is a clue. Your task is to figure out what triggered the reaction and in the big picture, is it positive or negative. I will guarantee you if you leave tonight when he arrives you will get a reaction.
It looks like you are taking baby steps to try to refrain from pursuing him. Does it look like he is responding? Sounds like it.
Good for you ! Realize that H is like a skittish cat. You have to be very patient and do not chase after him.
I would avoid telling him ' I am too emotionally attached...' as it confirms what he already knows. You might say something like, 'I need time to think about what I really want here' or 'This situation is making me re-think some things' leaving it really vauge so he can start to wonder.
San, you are showing your first signs of strength, of controlling yourself. In this game you will need to keep your emotions in check, at least around H. Here you can let it all out and we will understand and continue to support and encourage you.
Have your read Divorce Remedy yet ? It might be time to start thinking about some 180s. You can search this site and find out examples from other's threads.
In a 180 we evaluate what we have been doing that doesn't work, and do an about face, then we moniter the results.
I sense that you have carried the lions share of responsiblity in the relationship and have let your husband be like an irresponsible kid. H needs to step up, but he won't unless you stop doing it all for him.
Maybe next time he wants to spend time w/kids, you could say 'Yes, and why don't you pick up dinner b/c I don't plan on cooking tonight ?'
Just an idea. Keep studying this site. Kudos for hanging in there. You are learning fast !
BINGO. BINGO, BINGO, BINGO!
Sandy, I only have a minute right now, but if you wanted a roadmap for your own emotional recovery (not to mention the greatest chance for ANY possible marital recovery) -- here it is in Native's post to you.
When your H shows up to see the kids, have everything ready to go (dinner) Wear one of his favorite outfits, the one he's made comments about in the past, smell good and then spend VERY LITTLE time with him. Ask ho wlong he will be staying, then leave. Go run errands, do all of those things you have wanted to when the kids aren't around. Use his mind to your advantage.
Always remember when you get an emotional reaction, it is a clue. Your task is to figure out what triggered the reaction and in the big picture, is it positive or negative. I will guarantee you if you leave tonight when he arrives you will get a reaction.
Ok...Well nfortunately I did not get your messages to leave until this morning.
Hubby came over..had a nice hot dinner waiting for him when he got here.
He sat and played and visited with the kids for 1 1/2 hours. I cleaned the kitchen..forlded laundry and talked to SIL on the computer.
I was in another room behind closed doors.
I did not say but maybe 5 words to him the entire time..I thought I did well...
Here is the bad part...
While talking to SIL on the computer i was crying. When hubby came in to leave he said good bye..I did not turn around from my chair so he could see me cry.
He said hey I grabbed this..so I had to turn around (I had leftovers in a container for his lunch today)
He saw me crying said are you ok? Yes He stood there for a minute looking at my back .. walked over and said come here... gave me a hug.. i cried..tried to pull away and he squeezed me tighter.... Then he said I gotta go I said ok bye
nothig more.... He saw me weak....It frustrates me..he knows me and has to inivite himself into my space for a hug..GRRRR....
But guilt must not have been too bad..I have not heard from him today. I have not texted him...yea me!
I almost always have em! Sounds like you had a setback to me. I would just learn from that, and continue to follow the good advice you're getting here. Next time H comes over, do try to run errands or go to a bookstore or whatever you feel like doing. And all the other advice given you. Everyone has setbacks and no one is perfect at DBing; I've made tons of mistakes way worse than crying (which is a normal emotion we all do sometimes of course) and still make them even though I've been working at DBing now for almost a year! But just try to maybe get a little bit better at it every day or every week or month or whatever. Karen
Karen