You and I went through some pretty similar situations. And yup, I brushed a lot under the rug for a while. I ignored somethings until they made me angry and depressed. Truthfully, I lashed out. I gave him total hell around the time we decided to separate. For sometime before that, I just really didn't care I think. I just got tired of it and used my work and kids as an escape so I didn't have to face his severe depression. I also felt incapable of dealing with it.
I thought about this a lot through this journey. And I never once felt as if my M was bad from the get-go or that I married the "wrong person." I know all relationships have their ups and downs. But when I looked back, I saw so much weariness on his part. We both worked crazy hours, we both career-oriented. We had the money pit of a house where sometimes several areas were under construction or major repair...we would come home to only do another 4-5 hours on the house putting up drywall, painting, fixing hardware, yada yada yada. We had 4 kids close in age who were active and into everything (not bad stuff...but things like marching band, sports, summer symphonies, advanced education in HS where they needed transport to the local colleges to get extra credit...etc. etc. etc.) There was so little time for "us." Heck, when we first were married, dinner was always a big deal. There was always a gourmet cooked, hot meal and a bottle of wine and we lingered over it. As time went on, it turned out to be a pizza in a box eaten as we passed through on to doing something else. We didn't value our time or presence together.
"Us" time usually consisted of a quick weekend away now and again. A few rolls in the sack, a couple of drinks, and go back home. That was it. Neither of us really took the time to say "stop the insanity" and slow down. I think reality hit both of us really really hard at that time. We lost a number of family members/close friends to death at that time. I traveled a lot for work to escape the madness (my boss would ask "who wants to do something?" and I'm there raising my hand "pick me pick me!").
I let everything else be more important to me like my job, the kids' constant needs, and balancing budgets. He didn't relate to that. I have my "tunnel vision." If I was on a mission, I just had to do that mission...be it a project at work, a volunteer job for the kids' schools for marching band, sports, whatever...I couldn't stop to listen to him. I think he got frustrated.
Somewhere in all of that madness, I neglected me, I neglected him, and I neglected our marriage.
It was such a lesson to me to slow down, to listen, to realize that people and relationships do take time. I'm really a geek in some ways. I look at things logically so by nature I don't have a lot of the "ultra feminine" in me--shoes, clothes, makeup don't really mean a lot to me. But I realized that I relied on that "logical" side of me for far too long, I neglected the intuitive side I had as well. It was hard for me too because I do have such a "logical" career. I'm working on it though. I realized that while I didn't have to be a supermodel in my marriage, you are so right...things worked so well while we were best friends. And I was so much more relaxed when I let that "intuitive side" come out and be much more like I was when I was younger.
