Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Weeelll....not all that well. Sat. a.m. was all chirpy about his back not bothering him so much, getting grass cut, a little other yard work. Not gonna wear himself out, etc,etc,etc. Got a late start to the stable. Rode in early aft. home just B4 5. He'd said we'd go out to eat, no rush to go early, whatever time I got home would be fine. He decided we should just wear jeans, shirt, not get cleaned up first. Fine. Had dinner. He had the usual 2 glasses of wine. (not the 3 martinis he's done in the past, guarantees he'll be napping 30 min after we get home).

He said he dozed a little in aft. didn't really nap. Watched junk on TV. Was chilly out, he didn't mention having a fire. Sat & watched TV, this time he's on the other couch, close but not with. Hadn't touched me all day, kissed me, etc. Seemed less chirpy, went to bed before 10:30. Oh well, there's always Sunday nite, right? I went to bed an hour or so later, was almost done with "The New Male Sexuality" - got to the parts about arousal, etc. Finished reading it in bed. Started crying cuz that's the thing. No arousal. No desire. Never horny. Meanwhile he was having one of his "hot flashes" - a night sweat. He woke up mumbling about being hot, I told him he was damp. He went back to sleep. I went into LR, curled up on the couch & cried a lot. Worked on a puzzle, got sleepy, went back to bed. He woke up, said "where did you go?" I told him & why. He said nothing, back to sleep. Eventually I'm back on the couch & fell asleep around 3:30. One of the cats joined me.

When he got up, he fed the pets, had coffee & started reading the paper. Didn't turn on the TV news, amazingly. Stayed behind that paper a long time. Eventually I got up, washed my face, had tea. Asked him if he wanted to know where I went, why didn't he come look for me. I didn't know he'd woken up & missed me. No answer, of course. Did my nails, puttered around, read a little of the paper, showered, dressed (looked great!Hair came out good, pants w/jeans style jacket w/little row of sequins-15 lb wt .oss helped. Went to clambake. He was civil, sort of pleasant in the car, I didn't say much. He was in one of his moods to blurt out comments planned either to get a rise out of me which would start an argument, or embarrass me, or maybe even make me hate him for being such a boor?? Sometimes he seems like a little kid who keeps provoking his parents to see just how far he can go & they'll still love him.

He didn't drink much, but was driving just a little off on the way home. I know he was trying to get me to criticize his driving or accuse him of being drunk. I didn't say anything. Awhile after we got home, I'd pretty much had enough & lit into him. After his response,I told him I'd stopped talking for almost 4 weeks as he asked & he still hadn't shared his thoughts w/me if he'd even thought about stuff. He never did say whether I was supposed to not talk about sex or about how he feels about sex. I told him we have no intimacy whatsoever. He did the usual blaming me for being bossy as the whole cause of everything. I read him parts of the 1st chapter of the Mars Venus book. Was enlightening for me, but he was deaf to it. It wasn't a pretty fight, but not an unusual one given his tactic of saying something nasty, then saying it wasn't really how he felt. He said my crying was driving him away. (so who's making me cry?)Sat there like his wooden indian self. I went downstairs & finished sewing a pocket into a jacket. Watched Desperate Housewives. I don't think he turned the TV on upstairs, but he didn't come down to brush his teeth B4 going to bed! Chicken!! When I got in bed, he asked if I wanted him to hug.(message:Tell me you still wnat me, you won't leave?) I told him it was his option since he's the one who says he has no use for me, hates me, doesn't hate me, we don't love each other, so he put his arm around me as usual, but after a minute's thought moved it down to my waist. Chicken.

What hadn't occurred to me until today (we had a more frank, less fighting talk this morning, he's 10 pages into the man book & wants to know how that's helped, duuuuhhh)Because I've been so focused on the lack of desire, which became the ED problem in June & set this whole colossal goat [censored] into motion is that he's passive aggressive. Really. Its considered either a personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. It colors almost everything he does unless he's in a good mood. It's where the I hate you, no I don't hate you comes from as well as the "I'm leaving" along with the obvious worry when I am not around and/or quit talking. Characteristic of this disorder is wanting to be close, sabotaging it cuz of fear of abandonment if one's guard is let down, and fear of being alone.

In the event he ever does decide to go for counseling it will have to be to someone who knows how to deal with it -really well-meanwhile, I need to get back into "handling" him when he is doing his usual blocking, sulking, accusing behaviors. Of course (you know me by now)I hit Borders for a couple books. "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man". I haven't read up on it for several years, hope there's new info. He isn't as bad as he used to be, probably cuz he's mellowed a bit as he's aged and a lot of that stuff doesn't work on me after long practice on my part. This problem with its embarrassment, feeling like he's lost some manliness, being something that he can't ignore, deny, wait till it blows over has magnified his old tactics. He's probably close to panic stricken in some ways. The main thing about P-A is its driven by internal anger. What at? Long story & iffy at that.

I know he can't possibly be pleased with himself and must be miserable with the pulling me close, then pushing me away thing since he doesn't really want to be alone, but I'm also not pleased with having to work on "handling" him again when I just want to SCREAM at him for hurting me when he has the choice not to. Without screaming, this a.m. I pointed out that soon as I quit talking about it, his efforts to iniitiate and be closer, etc. started fading. So here we are. He'll be home in half an hour. I'm whacked, gonna take a hot bath. Thought about having a fire by myself or going in the hot tub a l o n e..but, naaah. Takin' a book in the tub w/me and possibly a glass of Riesling. I could mess w/his head & lock the bathroom door, but no point in that. If he wants to come in & sit & chat, fine. If not, fine. At least he started the book, even if he was sarcastic about what would that help, etc. He's not big into a "process", too much like something that might change him. I know he'll finish it if I'm willing to put up w/his getting crabby & sarcastic & worse. Like that little kid again. "Yeah, I'll do it, but you'll pay for it".

For the others who've been reading & coaching (thanks so very much, I'd go nuts without you to vent to) I'm sorry I forgot about the passive aggressive thing. The libido thing kinda drove it right out of my mind, altho I'm always dealing with it at some level depending on his mood.

Hoping we all have a good week.
Jayce