Hi, I was thinking of you today being your anniversary. I had hoped to get to you before you contacted your wife, but was too late.
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Her response to my text was less than what I expected, it hurt, didn't see any real emotion, but its text. Her response was Thanks. We had alot of good anniversay memories. Not what I wanted. Not what I built up in my head.
First of all, let me ask you a simple but maybe hard question for you. What exactly did you expect from her when you contacted her? She has left you for another man and is in an affair with him!! Were you in some fantasy land of your own in thinking that just b/c it was your anniversay that she would come to her senses and go running back home to you? Please listen to me......this in all liklihood is not going to happen. I am not saying she will never go back home. Okay? But, I don't believe it will be like you have it pictured in your mind. You need to get over that dream. As long as you cling to that fantasy, you are setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment.
The best thing you can do right now is to drop the rope and get a life for yourself being busy with activities that are good and keep you out of trouble (you know what I mean by that). Discipline yourself not to contact her unless is is an emergency or strickly very important business. Stop looking for excuses to contact her. Stop making life easy for her. She needs to face the hardships that her decisions has brought upon herself. If you are there rescuing her from every little problem or fixing every little need......then she is eating cake.
If this OM is trying to stay in contact with his family, then your W will begin to feel left out more than she wants to. It will finally begin to cause problems between them. The excitement will begin to die out. Hopefully, she will not turn to another man! Sometimes it happens. Looks has nothing to do with it......trust me.
You have done well with your many changes and I congratulate you. She may not trust all of these many changes and will be watching for a long time to see if they stick. Even going dark, she will hear about you through family and friends, but I think that the less you make contact with her, the better.......at this point. Do you know what we mean by "drop the rope"?
Until you can get a grip and discipline yourself in your life to act as if she is not going to be a part of your life and go on.......you are going to continue to be one miserable person. No, it is not easy. There are many stories here on the bb that tell how hard it is, but they also tell that it is possible and that they learn they can survive and carry on. Some say it does get better after they truly drop the rope. I have not been in that position so I cannot tell from experience, but I can tell you that she is not ready to come back to you and won't be for a long time. That is why you need to go on and pick up your life and make the most of it. Focus on that instead of wondering what she is thinking.....why did she do what she did.....what if this....what if that....just make a life for yourself. Stop analyzing ever word that comes out of her mouth and every move she makes. Okay?
Continue to go by the DR book, but that is part of it......making a life for yourself.
You stand a much better chance of drawing her back to you by droping the rope and going dark than trying to keep some type of R with her. In some cases that works and in some it doesn't. In your case......I think it's time to move on and let her deal with her consequenses. But, don't stand at the door watching for her.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
