Thought I better start a new thread since mine will probably lock up tomorrow.
Well Hubby finally did contact me by text (not quite the phone call he promised but whatever, no sense in getting pissy about it) and it was nothing serious, just talking about a show we watch as he was catching up on the episodes. So we've been texting a little.
Another interesting thing about last nights phone call was that he said that it seemed like every time he would start thinking about getting back together again we would have a fight and he would have to start his thinking over again. So I guess my big big big challenge is going to be keeping things super positive over the next few weeks, especially right before he leaves so that when he comes home we can work something out and get a place together.
I am really just trying to keep my own thought inside and not lash out everytime something goes wrong. Like tonight for example, when he texted instead of calling. I could have (and probably would have) said something snappy (read bitchy. . .) in the past but instead I kept it happy and just said "hey! what's up?" I struggle so much with just keeping things inside instead of just saying the first thing that pops into my head. I am doing much better than I used to. It is easier via text because I have more time to think before I respond but even on the phone last night I found that I was super aware of what I was saying and slowed things down and thought it out. Weird. But I like it!
Good for you!! I am glad that you think things through before saying them now. (That was one of my problems too) It is hard but you will get used to it.
About the living arrangement when H returns....Do you honesty think that it will be like roomates? I personally doubt it!! I would say go for it as it gives a ton of time for Dbing and time together.
No I don't think we would live like roomates at all because it just doesn't make sense to buy a new bedroom set ad all that just so he could have "space" however even if we did get to that and live in separate rooms I still do not think it would last very long, maybe a few weeks.
I will go for it if he wants to, as it would solve two problems by helping me move out and potentially fixing our relationship. It is just a matter of timing and finances now. As long as he still wants to. I get nervous since I don't know if he changed his mind. I might try and hint around tomorrow when I see him to get a feel for where he stands on the issue after a few more days of thought.
I was super bored at work today so I had a chance to make my list of things he needs to work on/change in order for me to want to live with him again.
1. Show respect (especially during conflicts, I want and need eye contact when we are having a conversation)
2. Goes to individual counseling
3. Makes a commitment to go back to church with me
4. Comes up with more suggestions of things to do/try so we can establish more common interests
5. Shows concern for me by asking me about my day, greeting me when I come home, asking if I am okay if I seem sad and learns to hold me when I cry instead of getting frustrated and walking away
6. Says I love you everyday, at least once
7. Shows appreciation for me by thanking me for the things I do, big and small
I want to email him the list soon so he can be thinking about it but don't want to overwhelm him. Should I just include it in my goodbye letter?
Let me know your thoughts!
He is coming to my work tomorrow and hanging out until I get off and then we are going to do dinner and a movie and then just hang out for awhile. So that should be good. I am excited to see him but also nervous because I do not want to mess anything up. I guess I am feeling a little pressured by this situation but I am going to try my hardest not to let it get to me.
Hey Daisy...don't let it get to you. I personally think that you should include it in your goodbye letter. Try to avoid R talk whenever possible for these few days. Leave him with just good memories of you guys having a fun time.
That's just MHO. I don't think that you are asking too much of him and think you should let him read it while he is missing you so it will not seem like much at that point also.
That makes sense that he should read it when he misses me. I am itching to send it tonight but definatly don't want it to affect the next week we have left. He knows that I am going to give it to him eventually so it might as well be in that letter when I can lay it all out there and let him think it over when he is away.
I am going to start writing the letter soon and will post it here before I give it to him to make sure it is perfecto!
No I didn't start yet. I was busy all day yesterday but I have the day off today so I will probably start writing a first draft.
So yesterdays date went well. There were a few rocky patches when R talk came up (some by me, some by him) and while we did not argue there was definatly tension. I was already in a bit of a mood because I was not feeling well. But we pulled it back togther and had a good night together.
One thing that was said that is still bothering me was this friends topic. There was a moment or two last night when I just wanted to say "screw it" and move on without him because I am tired of feeling like I am less important than his friends. I asked him if the friends issue was a dealbreaker and he said it wasn't but that it didn't help my case (what case! He's the one who brought this moving in together idea up!) Basic refresher on this I don't want his friends coming over to our house but I have had friends over in the past. I admited to him that it was a double standard but that it all comes back to boundaries. Im not going to have my friends over that often and when I do it's for a few hours to watch a movie or something and never last minute! Whereas he would have friends drop by, stay for hours, take up the whole living room, and one time showed up and stayed the night. Ugh. I asked him why he couldn't just go and do things with his friends at their houses instead of at our house and he said he could if I would let him. I once again admitted that I had been too controlling in the past and wanted things to change but that I still feel that setting boundaries is the only way to do this and asked what his idea would be. He didn't seem to want to set them. He was not raised with rules and boundaries so anytime I bring this subject up (even when our MC agrees with me) he gets withdrawn. So we changed the subject and moved on but it was such a frustrating conversation. I still don't know what to do about it.
Anyways we had dinner, went to a movie, and then went back to my house ML and then he watched another movie and I kinda dozed off in and out. Even though he tried to get me to stay awake. Lol. I was so tired!
Towards the end of the evening it just kinda hit me that I will only see him a couple more times before he leaves. It's so hard to deal with. Even if it is only a month that still feels like a long time to me, especially when we are getting so close again. I know it will be okay I'm just sad and will miss him.
I did end up showing him the list though but he was watching the movie and did not pay too much attention to it, which is fine. I will include it in the letter though so that he can think it over while he is gone.
I'll post the first draft here when I finish it. Thanks!
Man I'm struggling to write that letter. I don't know what to say besides "I love you, I always have and always will. I want you back in my life. Let's start over."
Lol.
Not good.
I guess I don't know if I should write and just tell him good luck and that I am proud of him or if I should give in to the mushy side a little bit. I'm torn.
I will think it over some more and try to write again later. I'm just fuzzy right now. Any imput would be beautiful!
On the plus side I did apply for several jobs today. One thing we talked about yesterday was what city to live in. I told him I kinda needed to know sooner rather than latter because where we live depends a lot on what city I should be looking for a new job in. He wouldn't commit to anything really. He threw out a few ideas so I will just look close to where I am now and make the plan for myself. If he wants to jump on board he will have to make some sacrifices. If he refuses then I would know this isn't the right thing for me anyways. I have got to start feeling like a priority and when he wants to pick which city we live on based by how close it is to his friends house, even if it is not convinient or comfortable for me then we have a major problem.
Tomorrow I have my second IC appointment. I hope a lot of ground will be covered then. Maybe I can get some clarity as to what my next steps should be in light of his upcoming departure.
You still have some time to write the letter, don't stress it. Keep a running draft for right now. As more ideas come up jot them down. Before you have to write the whole letter you will have enough ideas and will only have to figure out what order to organize them in. I would also confer with the counselor about what they feel you should put in the letter too, like whether or not you should let it be mushy, etc.
Good luck on the job front. You should look for the job and apartment where YOU want to live. He will take your lead either way and you have to think about what is convenient for you right now.
Keep your time with him light right now, if you can cut down on the R talk and just enjoy him and his company. You have all the time in the world when he gets back have R talk!!! Especially when your going to be living in the same place!!
I did kinda stress today because it felt urgent but I do have time and it will come to me as I go. I will definatly see what my counselor has to say about it. Although that worries me a little as I am not sure if she knows about DBing or not.
You are right about the housing situation. I am going to do what I want and if he wants to be a part of it he is going to have to make some sacrifices. In a weird way I think he is holding onto these things as a matter of principle, like just wanting to be stubborn. But since he brought up the idea in the first place it must be something he really does want. So no more stressing about that either. I am going to go out and get some more apps tomorrow too. I want to keep the second job close to the first so it is easier commute wise. He moved to this area once, he can, and probably will do it again. It's just hard to feel like you are not the priority. I guess it all goes back to my need for security.
We have talked a little today. He was supposed to be out with friends tonight but just texted me to say he was home watching a show we like. I said "thought you had a game tonight" and he said "meh" Don't know what's up with that. Whatever.
Well I'll be back tomorrow morning to let y'all know how counseling goes.
Especially when your going to be living in the same place!!