You have a lot going on now. I think you did a good job with what you told him in the car.
My only take right now is that your husband needs to go to IC. He has issues of his own that he needs to deal with before he can find a way to be happy. Unfortunately he is projecting those issues onto you and the marriage, but you already know that.
If I could encourage one thing it would be to be firm with him on the fact he needs to go to IC. He is going to find any reason to avoid it. Work, etc. Look at it this way, he has a way to avoid dealing with issues in the marriage. It's called divorce. He has already run away once from the marriage with his affair. However, he can't run away from his own issues so he is avoiding them. Hiding from them doesn't make them go away. It makes them worse. It explodes out and hurts others.
