Moving her from Newbees

[Clayton]

I'm having a real bad morning today. Woke up having panic attacks. I feel like I'm going backwards with my acceptance of my situation. I'm not getting detached from this at all.

I emigrated to the US from NZ to marry my W. Left my family and friends behind and had to start from scratch here in the US. Now I have no one here. Naturally her family are giving her support although they love me very much, and almost all our friends are associated with her and have moved into her corner.

I basically am here on my own now and have to deal with this situation totally solo.
I feel that I totally gave up my original life to come and be with her ...and now she basically abandoned me...after 11 yrs. She even hinted that maybe I should move back to my home country.

I would never do this to someone I disliked....nevermind someone I was supposed to love and cherish.

Just venting through my tear stained eyes.

[cotoffgard]

I know how you feel about leaving behind family and friends and feeling abandoned when your W got up and WA. I left a very good life in Northern California (lots of friends and a good network of peers) to move down to Southern California because my wife had a strong desire to move here (warmer weather, her brother and friends, etc.). I on the otherhand really have no network or close friends down here, and like you I'm sorta flying solo.

Through my IC sessions, I realized that I was too "clingy" and burdened W with my happiness. You'd think that saying "if she's happy, then I'm happy" was a good thing, but it appears that it's toxic in a relationship. It should be more "if I'm happy, she'll probably be happy", sort of like what's covered in that DB section about "changing anything". So it begs the question - how do you make yourself happy/fulfilled/satisfied without your W?

I don't have clear definitive answers to that question, but from my vantage point I find that doing something new and unfamiliar (e.g. brand new hobby) really helps fill that void. Also, I'm making new friends...my friends and not our friends...and networking with like-minded people. The mantra "you need to be independent before you become co-dependent" speaks volumes.

"Down" days are tough, man...some worse than others. I try to remind myself that these days are indeed fewer and far between compared to a month ago, so that's progress, right? Oh, and for a quick fix, aerobic exercise really helps fight off the blues. Heck, I felt one of them panic attacks surfacing, and I forced myself to go to the gym...at 9:30pm! Gotta do whatever it takes I guess...no matter what time of day it is.

[Clayton]

Hey Cotoffgard,

Your very right about the down days being tough. I was pretty useless at work today.

I work out as much as my body can handle and it helps a whole lot. I try to do 5x a week...and salsa or hiking on the other days.

I'm just looking around at what we used to have and we were so perfectly set up. It just sucks that it will all have to be rebuilt....seems such a waste.

This whole thing is just so draining on the soul. I'm not religous...but I might start praying soon.

[optimistwife]

Hi Clayton,
It seems like there are lots of panic attacks going around these days. I woke up 2 hours before my alarm clock, and like an idiot, know my H was awake so called him- after I texted and he didn't respond.

That would be me backsliding. I am sure he found it sooo appealing.

Oh well- I can't believe I did that- but I did. Will have better control next time. Seems like divorce busting is a 5-3 ratio of good moves vs. really stupid things.

Anyway the bad days happen. I agree that we just have to look back in the not too distant past and recall when every minute of every day was intolerable.

Hope that tomorrow is better!

[Clayton]

Hey there Optimistwife,

I feel better now. Came home and had a good couple of drinks.
Today was not one of my better days.


You can try putting yourself in your H's shoes before you send any messages to him. That might help clarify how he will react upon contact.

I hope everyone sleeps well tonight.
Night..night
Clayton

[cotoffgard]

How was your weekend, Clay?

[Clayton]

How was your weekend, Clay?

I was hoping to get together with W and checkout an art show on Sunday afternoon. I left her a voice-message letting her know what time I was planning on going and to give me a call back if she could make it. She had tentively scheduled to come..but she already had prior commitments.

No call back...so I went and had a fun time.

She called back later that evening and had been up in LA for work all day and didn't receive my message until she got back (we live in SD). We chatted for about 10 minutes and she said we should go out in the next couple of days for a beer.

Other then that I went to a film festival on Friday, Salsa dancing on Saturday, hiking and art show on Sunday.

Pretty busy GALing.

I checked out match.com just to see what it's all about. Oh...god, I don't want to have to start dating again.

[cotoffgard]

Ack...dating! Scary thought...

Any luck convincing W to fly on that WWI bi-plane?

[Clayton]

Ack...dating! Scary thought...

Any luck convincing W to fly on that WWI bi-plane?

I'm going to mention the flying the next time we meetup. Hopefully either tomorrow or Wednesday.

On a different note:
There don't seem to be many sucesses going on on this board. I'm beginning to wonder whether reconciliation is just one big cheeseless tunnel!

[cotoffgard]

Isn't reconciliation the "cheese" and the manner in which we get to the reconciliation phase the "tunnel"? Too bad no one told us that there were so many twists and turns in these tunnels!

Many of the success stories we've read in the books and in the threads are usually those who were lucky enough to do something before the bomb ever gets dropped. However, many of the people who find themselves on this board are well past the air raid and are working their bums off to put a stop-loss strategy in place. The best outcome would be a save M, obviously, but countless people on the BB have benefitted tremendously from the many personal changes and GAL'ing other people encourage them to do. To me, that's success in and of itself.

Your sitch if quite rare, I must say. You're actually going out and having fun with your WAW! I'd trade all the tea in China to be where you are right now! I could see, however, how frustrating it would be for you. You can see, smell, and even reach out for a tiny taste of the cheese, but you can't get to it. This is where I would say you need to ground yourself and get back to DB/DR basics...small, clear, obtainable, measurable goals. As close as you are to reconciliation, you're in some very dangerous territory. Pounce too soon, and your prey will get away. Easy does it...slow and steady...patience...