H moving out!! Crisis I need help

[TxMomw/2girls]

gosh... I knew you would tell me not to give him the letters... but.. why does this kill it for them? Why is this a no no?? he doesn't have to read them I just want him to realize what he thinks he has with OW is what we had for many many years...

I don't cry or beg or show depression in front of him and haven't since he left... if anything I show anger and hate or frustration when I see him... or I'm just casually nice and calm.. if anything we interact how we always did and then I remember mid way through a conversation that he'll be going to her house when he leaves here b/c he is dragging his feet on gettng a place.

I want the truth, about what he feels or is thinking or her... I know it will hurt but it will set us free... how can he one minute be crying and seem miserable for the choices he made and then two days later seem that he is ok with his decision??? I know it is a drug, an addiction...

For his b-day I'm giving him a book and pictures framed from the girls... my D3 and I will make a big heart shaped choc.chip cookie and she'll decorate it. I got him a card I'll write stuff and ordered him a speciality cake for him to take to Houston (which means he'll have to take to her house Thursday evening as he isn't leaving until Friday am) I'm not buying him anything ... I was going to make a CD for him but that could be like the cards ...

At some point I will write the OW and send her pictures of us and our family and copy all the letters H and I have given over the years..I want her to know I'm still fighting for our marriage and she has her work cut out... I think that will throw her into a questioning him, jealeously etc... not sure when to do this .. I would do this now but I don't want it to piss H off and pull him further away from me!!

I think I have gotten a couple of calls from her on my office phone .. both hang up calls were when H was here...I'm keeping record but that is a good sign of her showing insecurities. ( I work from home)

[blindsided1]

I just stumbled upon your thread. I feel for you, I truly do. I've been here for 11 months and went through a similar sitch. I'm still going through it. I have no success story to tell in regards to my H and I reconciling. However, I can tell you that I'm a much better person and a lot stronger even though there are days where I feel completely obliterated.

I just want to caution you about sending letters to your H and/or OW. This is NOT going to make things better for you, I guarantee it. If anything, it will probably make H angry and also see you as maybe a tad weak. And, the OW will probably be over joyed by the fact that you are showing YOUR insecurities by taking the time to send those items.

Regarding you showing anger instead of depression - not a good idea. I've been there multiple times and you know what it gets you? It gets you someone (H) who is angry at you back. This is where the fights start and the name calling and him rehashing WHY he left. Be careful of the anger. My suggestion would be to act indifferent. Just be cordial, smile, but don't get overly bubbly. Just act like he's a friend. If this is hard for you, limit the amount of time you spend with him.

How can he be one way one day and another way another day? Because he's confused. I also caution you about the "truth" sometimes (more than not) they'll tell you things that are not true. So, even if he tells you the "truth" you may not be able to believe it is actually the "truth" - does that make sense.

My H's birthday is Thursday - go figure libra men. They have a tendency to set a course and often find it hard to veer off of that course even if they realize it isn't really where they want to be.

I would suggest you make lists weekly of things you want and need to do. Then DO them. Try not to anticipate his calls or visits - you will only be disappointed. And, the biggest things to remember.....

You can NOT make him do anything. He's going to do whatever he wants to do, you have to take care of you and your girls. It's not an easy road ahead. But, I made a lot of mistakes and I wish that I had listened and done what the people on this board suggested. My M might have been in a different place, but the more I learn about my H, reconciliation doesn't seem like the best option for me and my baby anymore.

Hang in there.

[Babygirl]

hey blind, great to see you here my dear friend. idk how you want to handle the ow, but in my case, I did call her, and I don't and won't ever regret it!! she may think she is all that and a bag of chips, but she is the chips that are on the ground after the movie in the theatre is over, nasty. I spoke my mind, and guess what? H is still here, maybe not in the way I dream, he is still a was, but he IS HERE and not there!

[hope3343]

Hi TxMom {{{{hugs}}}
I do react the same as you. Some days I am good but others I get overwhelmed about the OW and I get mad. I am my own worst enemy. Please Please get Divorce Busting book, then make an appt with the online counselor here from this site, read the book first. It is confusing but does make sense. We want the truth but they don't know what the truth is. Only listen to 50% of what they say. Why do we have to make them prove what they already know. If you confront the OW then they will laugh at you. I am the type that wants to go and just hit the OW but it will serve no purpose but make my H want to protect her more.
By showing pictures, albums any history will not have any effect because in their own minds they have rewritten the history of the marriage. OUR actions are the only thing that will convince them we have changed. It is one sided, it does stink but right now that is all we have till they come out of the fog.
You can get great info from the message boards but the books are the base. It is a lonely road and I pray daily.

[saffie]

Tx,

I know how much you want to put OW straight. Believe me I felt EXACTLY the same.

I did contact OW in my sitch.....and guess what....it made me feel worse. It makes them think they are winning. It doesn't cause insecurity. Think about this - you say OW may have phoned your house a couple of times and does it mean she is feeling insecure. Don't know. But odds on if you do the same back and contact her she will think the same and think she has you on the run.

Don't credit her with a conscience. She KNOWS she is doing something wrong getting involved with a M'd man and she doesn't care; if she did she would not have done it in the first place. You will end up feeling humiliated, and also cross with yourself that you have let her know she has 'gotten' to you.

Believe me.....I still have draft letters on my email that I wrote to OW telling her what a despicable person she is...it really isn't worth going there. If they were decent and the sort of person who would react to such contact they wouldn't be messing with your H in the first place.

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) this hurts so bad.

On a lighter note....let me tell you....about my red face moment with OW. When I joined facebook I sent messages to my email contacts, (all my contacts), by mistake. Well, as I mentioned previously, I had these draft emails ready to send to OW....so she was in my contact list. Imagine my embarrassment that I had sent her a message asking her to be my friend!!!! I did send her another message rescinding it - but hey ho!!! As another DB said to me at the time...there is showing forgiveness.....and then there is lunacy!!!!

I will never forgive the OW. She was a hard faced manipulative biotch. It has become apparent as time has gone on that she never really loved my H; he was a means to an end.

Keep on keeping on....you will get where you can find some peace eventually

[blindsided1]

They usually are just a means to an end.

{{{{{TXMom}}}}}}

Hope you're doing okay today.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Hi all...

Today is better ... I saw my C and went to my first support group here locally.. you should all go on http://www.beyondaffairs.com and see if they have a group in your city... so I feel lifted.

If I ever contact the other women I do want it to be when I'm at a place of peace... not anger.. and probably when I know in my heart it is over I will do it then b/c it will make my H mad and both of them probably pull together if I did it now. I found pictures of them this weekend on his computer so now I have a visual.. not sure if that is good or bad.. she is 25 yrs old and looks like it.. cute but not mature.

My H and I talked briefly yesterday, he seemed so angry and depressed. He made comments like "you know we aren't going to work" I had asked him at some point I would want the truth .. that the truth would set me free... he rattled off some more of the "not in love with you" .. didn't like you telling me what to do or all the questions... so I discussed this with my C b/c either way I have to co-parent with this man and he can't even talk to me somedays... I know it is his depression. So I'm going to continue to work on my 180's and watch how I ask questions, not say things that might seem as if I'm telling him what to do etc... I only believe half of what he says... but I wanted some info so I could make sure I'm doing my 180's and "as if"

I had my support group meeting last night and he is asking all these questions and I was just vague.. he seems depressed. So I keep telling myself that if he was so sure what he was doing was right, he'd have already found an appartment, he would be telling everyone we are separated, he wouldn't walk around sad and depressed or angry.. one minute crying then one minute stand offish..... he is not in a healthy place right now. I'm being friendly and nice, trying to still talk his love language when I can and just doing my 180's and acting as if I'm moving on....

I actually feel sad for him at times as he isn't reaching out to anyone and I have the support of you guys, my friends, and C to help me....

His birthday is Friday and he leaves town Friday... so we were going to do something Thursday evening ... we'll see how that goes... no R talks or OW talks...

hang in there

[S.T. _I Made It!]

So I'm going to continue to work on my 180's and watch how I ask questions, not say things that might seem as if I'm telling him what to do

This is very wise. I would advise to read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldham. She is a christian novelist who when surveying many men for a book about infidelity, found answers that were extremely baffling, so she did 2 more surveys of men, both christian and non-christian and wrote a book specifically about men and what they want/need/etc. It was very helpful for me to realize some of the things I was doing, that I thought were not a problem at all, were in fact belittling my H and just pushing him farther into the ground.

I saw your post on Gabby's, I only have like 3 threads, I'll try to find the old ones. you'd want the ones from 2006 though.

hey, so without me going too far back in your thread, where are you at in your sitch? He's still moved out right? but your going out together this week? That is good. One thing to note, things can seem to be better, but it doesn't mean the OW R is over. That will take time. The thing your H will be doing, is seeing if your changes are real. He's going to be watching. You want him interested in you, interested in what your doing. just continue to be slightly vague, and just be fun. make your life fun. force it if you have to, and fake it till you make it. it does work.

The OW is just a symptom, so leave her out of it completely. She matters nothing. I got a visual of mine as well, porn star/playboy look, made me feel REAL good. lol. but now, I don't even care about it, and I never think about her, and if I do, she means absolutely nothing.

Hope you have a great week. you can make it great! Thanks for asking for my input.

[hope3343]

Hi TxMom, are you ready for the birthday dinner...look great -- act like you are taking out a best friend instead of H. I know it is easier said than done (I can attest to that!), but we have to try. The problem you might experience is that sometimes the length of time we spend with them is when we start having our emotional breakdowns. Keep a plan. Bring your cell phone, if you start to weaken have a "friend in reserve" that can talk you down in the ladies room. Or just excuse yourself and say a prayer to thank God for working on your H while you work on yourself. As time goes on I realize that I have to keep turning this over to God, I have no control and thank Him for being in the midst of my marriage when I need it most.
You need a goal for that night. When your H leaves you that night H should see you as happy, confident, and asking himself -- why did I leave her??? We are all pulling for you here. take care.

[Little Engine]

Hey TxMom--It looks like you are having good results here instead of Newcomers. I posted over there on your thread a day or two ago and then drifted here and found you've been getting lots of help! Do your best tomorrow for H's birthday! I know you will! Remember if you feel like you are going to get emotional, you are going to have everyone here to come to and keep you accountable. So prepare and do your best!